If your spouse makes more than you

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both in tech sales. Rhis means we are quite often neck ans neck, but sometimes one of us has an incredible year and blows the other out of the water. We are very competitive with each other. For us it is fun.

[Anonymous]

I make 20x what my wife makes. She was a SAHM, and is now a preschool assistant. The only time it is mentioned is if she complains I do not do enough around the house. I respond, I am the reason we have the house...And I do about 30-40% of the work at home.

(I work about 50 hours/week, with a 45 min commute; she is 18 hours/week with a 5 minute commute).

[Anonymous]

DW makes mroe than me, a substantial amount, about 40-50K.

I mention it a lot, but in a joking manner. "Hey babe if you get one more good raise, I'll be able to quit work and be a SAHD."

DD is tarting college next year.

[Anonymous]

He's a jerk. My DH never mentions it. We've been through phases where we earned the same, he was unemployed so I earned more, I was a SAHM w/ a little PT work so he earned more, and now we both work FT again and he earns a bit more but I provide the health insurance so with that factored in we probably make about the same.

Through it all, we never singled out money as "his" or "hers". Everything is "ours." Once a bonus amount happened to be exactly the amount we were paying for a trip and I made a comment about his bonus paying for the trip and he corrected me, saying, no "we" paid for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband constantly reminds me that he makes $30k more than I do ($120k/$150k). He believes this means he doesn’t have to do any housework or childcare, because I should make up the difference in “sweat equity”.

My husband is a jerk.

Yes, he is. Or at a minimum, completely immature.

I am a DW and make 3x more than DH. At times I feel resentful, but when I dig deep and look at what’s going on, that feeling happens at the same times I feel DH is being selfish or not supportive. So for me at least, it’s about the underlying feelings at those stressful points and not the actual salary difference. He is my partner and I love him and our family.

Completely relate. I made 2x my DH and feel the same sometimes. You are so right about looking deeper, it's so true that the resentment is not about the money.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes, mine makes just under 2x what I make and he will occasionally mention it. To him making more money and handling all of our finances means he does less around the house/taking care of the kids. I guess it's how we've divided responsibilities in a way.

He's a dick about money.

[Anonymous]

We met when I was in grad school and was making $0. She still earns 2-3x what I do even though I earn well into the six figure range. Last year, my whole W2 didn't cover her federal income tax.

She's never mentioned it once in 16 years other than joking that she's going to retire first.

[Anonymous]

I make a lot more than my husband. At one point it was 4x when he was a post-doc. Now it’s not quite 2x. I also have 15+ years of working and saving for retirement where he got a PhD and spent a long time doing post-docs.

Once and a while when we buy something expensive or frivolous he will jokingly say “thank you for buying us nice things”. I don’t work harder than he does - I just had some lucky breaks in my career and he took time to get settled into his.

[Anonymous]

I make 2x as much as my DH and wouldn't never, ever say anything like your DH did. That's a dick move.

[Anonymous]

I make twice as much as my husband and the whole family is on my insurance coverage.

He will occasionally mention it - as a humorous aside. I think it bothers him a bit but it's been the case since we met - I am far more driven to succeed and advance in my career than he is.

I would NEVER make the comments your husband is making and if either me or my husband was taking shots at the other in those ways it would be indicative of a deeper issue - which we would be sure to address.

[Anonymous]

My DH has mentioned it but we make almost the same and it doesn’t have any reflection on how the household labor is divided (he is very hands-on and involved with the kids) or how we spend money (joint accounts). When we met in our 20’s I think I was making maybe 25K more which was a big difference (not quite double). I play along and say who knew ..and that it’s like the Jeffersons moving on up song.

If you, OP, don’t find it funny, be honest and straightforward with him that it’s too soon to joke about this. You are still trying to get to where your career should be and it makes you feel like the sacrifices you made for his career aren’t appreciated . If him making more is being used to control budget/spending decisions or get out of helping around the house that’s a different conversation. I don’t think it’s the beginning of the end unless he continues joking after you’ve explained why you don’t find it funny - I mean what’s the point of a joke between two people if it’s at the expense of the other person and they have said they don’t find it funny - at that point your being an a-hole. Or if he is using making more money to control the budget or how the household is run and you have discussed this issue , how you feel, being open to negotiation and compromise on how to go forward, and he isn’t hearing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No DH never mentions it which is nice since I make zero. We are partners.

Why are you even in this conversation?

Because her experience is relevant. As is mine. My wife lived under the poverty line when we met, and as soon as we moved in together _we_ made a certain amount of money which she basically controlled.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he does mention it, and often. He has also mentioned that he has a real job, mine doesn’t matter, and thinks I should make up for the disparity in income with chores.

[Anonymous]

DH makes about 40K more than me, never mentions it. I do sometimes, making jokes about quitting and becoming a SAHM because my salary is so stagnant compared to his.

[Anonymous]

DH makes about 2x what I make, but my job has better benefits, a ton of flexibility and telework, and much less stress. I know he's envious of that. We never talk about the salary difference because our money all goes to the same place and we consider ourselves equal partners. I'm definitely the more available parent but that's my preference; we hope as his career continues to advance that he'll be in a more stable place and I'll be able to scale back to part-time.