When you don’t agree on where to spend money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy the light fixtures on the joint card. When he complains, compare the total of the light fixtures to the sum of the golf/greens fees. Probably a wash

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Seriously this. Take back your power!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking his permission? I find a great deal on light fixtures, buy them and put them up myself.

This, but I make my husband put them in.

This. I wouldn't ask DH about this unless I was spending over $500 for each fixture (and we have the money in the bank).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be helpful if you explained your financial arrangement. It sounds like you have separate buckets?

OP here. When we got married neither of us wanted to switch banks so my paycheck is still direct deposited into my own account and I write DH a check for household expenses with a few hundred left over each pay period for personal expenses such as clothes and haircuts. We have joint savings at DH’s bank and all off our investments and retirement accounts are joint. We have a joint credit card. I have a debit card which is linked to my account and I use it for personal expenses.

It sounds convoluted but it generally works because he has opinions about what I spend money on ($$ haircuts for example—although he gets haircuts much more frequently than I do so it probably ends up almost even by the end of the year) and I don’t have to hear about it if I pay for it myself. But, for instance, he puts things like his haircuts, new golf clubs and greens fees on our joint credit card which gets paid out of the account we both put money into.

He used to insist that I pay for things like dinners out with my friends, my gas expenses and other stuff like that out of my account. For instance, lunch out for him would be counted under the food budget but if I went out to dinner with a friend it would be considered out of my personal budget. I put my foot down on those kinds of things and now he doesn’t say anything about it.

But the issue is that if it’s not something he wants or would choose for himself then he doesn’t want to contribute money to it. Our mattress was 10 years old and was killing my back but he said it was fine for his so didn’t want a new one. I finally got him to make it my birthday present and he agreed. I needed a new computer and that ended up being a combo Mother’s day/anniversary gift. When he needed one he just went out and bought one.

So now I want to change out the light fixtures on the main level and he doesn’t care about it so he says he doesn’t want to spend the money on that. Yes, I could pay for them and installation out of my personal account but the principle of doing that annoys me.

Wow. I'm embarrassed to admit that I behave much like your DH with regard to our finances and how I handle joint expenses. Seeing this written out like this I feel really bad and kinda like a jerk. I need to go apologize to my husband! I will be following this thread for advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be helpful if you explained your financial arrangement. It sounds like you have separate buckets?

OP here. When we got married neither of us wanted to switch banks so my paycheck is still direct deposited into my own account and I write DH a check for household expenses with a few hundred left over each pay period for personal expenses such as clothes and haircuts. We have joint savings at DH’s bank and all off our investments and retirement accounts are joint. We have a joint credit card. I have a debit card which is linked to my account and I use it for personal expenses.

It sounds convoluted but it generally works because he has opinions about what I spend money on ($$ haircuts for example—although he gets haircuts much more frequently than I do so it probably ends up almost even by the end of the year) and I don’t have to hear about it if I pay for it myself. But, for instance, he puts things like his haircuts, new golf clubs and greens fees on our joint credit card which gets paid out of the account we both put money into.

He used to insist that I pay for things like dinners out with my friends, my gas expenses and other stuff like that out of my account. For instance, lunch out for him would be counted under the food budget but if I went out to dinner with a friend it would be considered out of my personal budget. I put my foot down on those kinds of things and now he doesn’t say anything about it.

But the issue is that if it’s not something he wants or would choose for himself then he doesn’t want to contribute money to it. Our mattress was 10 years old and was killing my back but he said it was fine for his so didn’t want a new one. I finally got him to make it my birthday present and he agreed. I needed a new computer and that ended up being a combo Mother’s day/anniversary gift. When he needed one he just went out and bought one.

So now I want to change out the light fixtures on the main level and he doesn’t care about it so he says he doesn’t want to spend the money on that. Yes, I could pay for them and installation out of my personal account but the principle of doing that annoys me.

This is not sharing money. He sounds like an ass. We kept our money separate initially because of his ex-wife. When child support was over and we had a child we combined everything. If I want a new bed and we can afford it, fine. Actually I did and bought one for twice as much as planned. He didn't care or say a word. Now i don't work and I can spend what I want when I want within reason. You only getting a few hundred a month and him keeping all the money is bizarre. Pay your portion of the bills depending on your/his income and keep there rest. Make sure to have your own savings in your own name just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be helpful if you explained your financial arrangement. It sounds like you have separate buckets?

OP here. When we got married neither of us wanted to switch banks so my paycheck is still direct deposited into my own account and I write DH a check for household expenses with a few hundred left over each pay period for personal expenses such as clothes and haircuts. We have joint savings at DH’s bank and all off our investments and retirement accounts are joint. We have a joint credit card. I have a debit card which is linked to my account and I use it for personal expenses.

It sounds convoluted but it generally works because he has opinions about what I spend money on ($$ haircuts for example—although he gets haircuts much more frequently than I do so it probably ends up almost even by the end of the year) and I don’t have to hear about it if I pay for it myself. But, for instance, he puts things like his haircuts, new golf clubs and greens fees on our joint credit card which gets paid out of the account we both put money into.

He used to insist that I pay for things like dinners out with my friends, my gas expenses and other stuff like that out of my account. For instance, lunch out for him would be counted under the food budget but if I went out to dinner with a friend it would be considered out of my personal budget. I put my foot down on those kinds of things and now he doesn’t say anything about it.

But the issue is that if it’s not something he wants or would choose for himself then he doesn’t want to contribute money to it. Our mattress was 10 years old and was killing my back but he said it was fine for his so didn’t want a new one. I finally got him to make it my birthday present and he agreed. I needed a new computer and that ended up being a combo Mother’s day/anniversary gift. When he needed one he just went out and bought one.

So now I want to change out the light fixtures on the main level and he doesn’t care about it so he says he doesn’t want to spend the money on that. Yes, I could pay for them and installation out of my personal account but the principle of doing that annoys me.

This is not sharing money. He sounds like an ass. We kept our money separate initially because of his ex-wife. When child support was over and we had a child we combined everything. If I want a new bed and we can afford it, fine. Actually I did and bought one for twice as much as planned. He didn't care or say a word. Now i don't work and I can spend what I want when I want within reason. You only getting a few hundred a month and him keeping all the money is bizarre. Pay your portion of the bills depending on your/his income and keep there rest. Make sure to have your own savings in your own name just in case.

And, put everything on the joint credit card or if you cannot use the joint, shut it down and get your own credit card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be helpful if you explained your financial arrangement. It sounds like you have separate buckets?

OP here. When we got married neither of us wanted to switch banks so my paycheck is still direct deposited into my own account and I write DH a check for household expenses with a few hundred left over each pay period for personal expenses such as clothes and haircuts. We have joint savings at DH’s bank and all off our investments and retirement accounts are joint. We have a joint credit card. I have a debit card which is linked to my account and I use it for personal expenses.

It sounds convoluted but it generally works because he has opinions about what I spend money on ($$ haircuts for example—although he gets haircuts much more frequently than I do so it probably ends up almost even by the end of the year) and I don’t have to hear about it if I pay for it myself. But, for instance, he puts things like his haircuts, new golf clubs and greens fees on our joint credit card which gets paid out of the account we both put money into.

He used to insist that I pay for things like dinners out with my friends, my gas expenses and other stuff like that out of my account. For instance, lunch out for him would be counted under the food budget but if I went out to dinner with a friend it would be considered out of my personal budget. I put my foot down on those kinds of things and now he doesn’t say anything about it.

But the issue is that if it’s not something he wants or would choose for himself then he doesn’t want to contribute money to it. Our mattress was 10 years old and was killing my back but he said it was fine for his so didn’t want a new one. I finally got him to make it my birthday present and he agreed. I needed a new computer and that ended up being a combo Mother’s day/anniversary gift. When he needed one he just went out and bought one.

So now I want to change out the light fixtures on the main level and he doesn’t care about it so he says he doesn’t want to spend the money on that. Yes, I could pay for them and installation out of my personal account but the principle of doing that annoys me.

Wow. I'm embarrassed to admit that I behave much like your DH with regard to our finances and how I handle joint expenses. Seeing this written out like this I feel really bad and kinda like a jerk. I need to go apologize to my husband! I will be following this thread for advice!

It's great that you can see yourself in this story and want to change! Most people wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

When you get married you combine finances and you make a budget together. Your money is no longer 'yours' and his money is no longer 'his' but you both have 'our' money. This means that both of you agree on a budget together and that agreement should never be exceeded without first conferring with the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you get married you combine finances and you make a budget together. Your money is no longer 'yours' and his money is no longer 'his' but you both have 'our' money. This means that both of you agree on a budget together and that agreement should never be exceeded without first conferring with the other person.

It doesn't have to be that way. This thread is just an example of everything not to do when using a hybrid system.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have money and don't want to pay for anything out of YOUR funds but it's okay for him to buy and pay everything he enjoys out of his funds because it all goes into the joint account. If you're keeping back money you SHOULD be paying for frivolous expenditures that you enjoy just like his car habit is paid with his funds.

[Anonymous]

You guys sound like perfect candidates for a his/hers/ours system, which gets a lot of shade on DCUM but works really well in my marriage (better than other parts of my marriage!). My husband and I happen to have very different attitudes toward minor/daily spending, and we can avoid any fights about those issues. We mostly agree on bigger spending (mortgage, savings, childcare, etc.).

Anyway, he makes 2x as much as me, so he puts $2 into our shared account for every $1 I put in. We use that account for mortgage, utilities, childcare, college savings, groceries, and only a few other incidentals. Beyond that, everything comes out of our individual accounts--lunches and dinners out (unless we're together), hobby gear, hair cuts, personal travel, etc. With two kids and a third on the way, we don't have a ton of discretionary money anymore, but it's nice to know I have total control over what little I have.

In your case, because the desired purchase would clearly benefit us both, but only one of us really cared about it, I suspect that we'd put some nominal amount of shared money toward it, and then the remainder would come from the interested party. Or maybe the interested party would buy the fixtures, but we'd pay the electrician with joint money. Of course, because we never argue about money, we're pretty flexible about these occasional things because we don't have any financial resentments.

[Anonymous]

I personally don't feel like he should need to replace the light fixtures with his/"our" money if the other ones are perfectly functional and he's fine with the way they look.

However, him buying things like haircuts and golf clubs (?!) or work lunches out of the joint funds is way out of line.

Ask him whether the joint account is for things that you BOTH agree on, or whether one of you can buy whatever you want from the account. If he says you need to both agree, then tell him you'd like him to write a check this week for the total of whatever he's taken out of the joint account that didn't get your approval (give him some hints about what those things were) for let's say the last 2 years. If he changes his mind and says that each person can decide what's reasonable, tell him that you'll be getting new lights and that you'll give him advanced notice of when the electrician will be arriving so he can plan his meetings around it. And if he pushes back about the meetings, just take the day off to do it if you really want it done.

[Anonymous]

My monthly check for the "joint" bills would be much smaller. With his attitude I would not agree to pay for his green fees, haircuts or lunches. I would be too nosey to have my name taken off the joint credit card but would open my own. I would not use that joint account unless it was a true household expense. No need for a grand announcement either.

I use a strategy described earlier as his, hers and ours in my marriage. It works for us

[Anonymous]

This whole money set up is nuts OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My monthly check for the "joint" bills would be much smaller. With his attitude I would not agree to pay for his green fees, haircuts or lunches. I would be too nosey to have my name taken off the joint credit card but would open my own. I would not use that joint account unless it was a true household expense. No need for a grand announcement either.

I use a strategy described earlier as his, hers and ours in my marriage. It works for us

This. I was trying to figure out how the joint account had enough for golf clubs and green fees etc. I think you agree to true household expenses up front with a budget. Everything else goes into individual account. You will have enough for new fixtures and the electrician. Modify your schedule so you can be there for the appointment.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem not a money problem.