Private school and divorce

[Anonymous]

OP here. Spouse works fulltime, just in a lower paying field. We could probably eek by paying for private school with an intact household, but if we divorced that 30k/year would be very painful and seeing it hurt my parents has obviously influenced my outlook.

Very much not my style, but I think I'll punt on this for now. Lot can change in 3-4 years.

[Anonymous]

If your wife gets pregnant and you are paying for both to go to private school - eek. You can't send one and not the other.

[Anonymous]

IMHO it's much more of a personal finance question. I'd have to either (i) be making a ton of money, (ii) live in a really shitty school system, (iii) have kids with very special needs that the public schools couldn't accommodate or (iv) have strong religious convictions in order to consider private schools.

(i) would have to be at least $300K and possibly more. (ii) isn't applicable because I wouldn't buy in a shitty school district especially given the insane housing prices around here. (iii) is a wild card. (iv) I knew prior to marriage that neither of us felt this way.

Going back to (i), you didn't mention your HHI but I wouldn't do it unless you are both maxing 401Ks, backdoor Roth accounts, no student loan debt or car payments and are contributing to 529s on target to meet whatever you plan on doing for your child (in state public, private, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMHO it's much more of a personal finance question. I'd have to either (i) be making a ton of money, (ii) live in a really shitty school system, (iii) have kids with very special needs that the public schools couldn't accommodate or (iv) have strong religious convictions in order to consider private schools.

(i) would have to be at least $300K and possibly more. (ii) isn't applicable because I wouldn't buy in a shitty school district especially given the insane housing prices around here. (iii) is a wild card. (iv) I knew prior to marriage that neither of us felt this way.

Going back to (i), you didn't mention your HHI but I wouldn't do it unless you are both maxing 401Ks, backdoor Roth accounts, no student loan debt or car payments and are contributing to 529s on target to meet whatever you plan on doing for your child (in state public, private, etc.).

This. I know a number of people who send their kids to private school but then plan to not contribute to college expenses. Saddling your young adults with several hundred thousand dollars of student loan debt that could have been avoided is not kind.

Save for college and retirement first. Once you've saved 4-6 years of college costs and are 3/4 of the way to retirement, sure, send them to private school.

[Anonymous]

If you think you may divorce, do not send to private school. This sets a precedent and "standard of living" that judges will take into strong consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Married. One young kid. Divorce not imminent.

My spouse wants our DC to go to same school (s) spouse went to growing up. 30k yr average. I think our public schools are fine. I met my spouse at one of the fancy private schools (which I hated and which contributed to my parents lack of retirement savings when they divorced.)

Spouse expects me to work additional years in order to make this happen rather than retiring early.

I make double what my spouse does, so not really seeing the payoff from the private school education.

Don't want to be locked into a 30k/year commitment that jeopardizes my own retirement so Spouse can re-live the elite lifestyle of spouse's youth.

How does the kid going to private school enable the spouse's "lifestyle"? If anything it detracts from it. It is only the kid that gets a better lifestyle from private school, not the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved to an area (rented) with better schools post divorce. All the private school talk stopped with that.

Nothing wrong with that. People on DCUM act like the only reason why private school is an issue with divorced parents is one parent trying to stick it to the other. Married couples disagree about private school as well.
Two things to remember:
Do what is in the best interest of the child. Actually research the schools. Consult neutral parties who have a professional knowledge of the child. Going to private or public school is rarely a permanent decision. Many families move in and out as children's needs change.

It could be in the kid's best interest to go to private school but still be economically impossible after a divorce.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you guys are ready to think divorce over this is alarming.

I'm guessing your wife really values her experience at that school, and since yours was so miserable, you feel exactly the opposite about it.

Is moving away so that the particular school is not even an option possible? I can understand wanting your child to experience something you loved so much, and having a hard time letting that go when it's right in front of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you guys are ready to think divorce over this is alarming.

I'm guessing your wife really values her experience at that school, and since yours was so miserable, you feel exactly the opposite about it.

Is moving away so that the particular school is not even an option possible? I can understand wanting your child to experience something you loved so much, and having a hard time letting that go when it's right in front of you.

That's why people are supposed to talk about these things before committing to marriage and it amazes me they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you guys are ready to think divorce over this is alarming.

I'm guessing your wife really values her experience at that school, and since yours was so miserable, you feel exactly the opposite about it.

Is moving away so that the particular school is not even an option possible? I can understand wanting your child to experience something you loved so much, and having a hard time letting that go when it's right in front of you.

That's why people are supposed to talk about these things before committing to marriage and it amazes me they don't.

I can see talking about money and children. But I'm not sure private vs. public would come up. And I'm betting mom didn't realize how she would feel until it became a reality. This is irrational, and probably should be dealt with in a therapist's office before it leads to divorce. 30K is not throw-away money, and as other PP's have said, what happens when kid #2 comes along?

There are very specific reasons our kids are in private elementary schools, but we are in agreement about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you guys are ready to think divorce over this is alarming.

I'm guessing your wife really values her experience at that school, and since yours was so miserable, you feel exactly the opposite about it.

Is moving away so that the particular school is not even an option possible? I can understand wanting your child to experience something you loved so much, and having a hard time letting that go when it's right in front of you.

That's why people are supposed to talk about these things before committing to marriage and it amazes me they don't.

I can see talking about money and children. But I'm not sure private vs. public would come up. And I'm betting mom didn't realize how she would feel until it became a reality. This is irrational, and probably should be dealt with in a therapist's office before it leads to divorce. 30K is not throw-away money, and as other PP's have said, what happens when kid #2 comes along?

There are very specific reasons our kids are in private elementary schools, but we are in agreement about it.

This IS money. Couples need to discuss where they see themselves living and how they see themselves living. Schools are a leading factor towards determining that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMHO it's much more of a personal finance question. I'd have to either (i) be making a ton of money, (ii) live in a really shitty school system, (iii) have kids with very special needs that the public schools couldn't accommodate or (iv) have strong religious convictions in order to consider private schools.

(i) would have to be at least $300K and possibly more. (ii) isn't applicable because I wouldn't buy in a shitty school district especially given the insane housing prices around here. (iii) is a wild card. (iv) I knew prior to marriage that neither of us felt this way.

Going back to (i), you didn't mention your HHI but I wouldn't do it unless you are both maxing 401Ks, backdoor Roth accounts, no student loan debt or car payments and are contributing to 529s on target to meet whatever you plan on doing for your child (in state public, private, etc.).

This. I know a number of people who send their kids to private school but then plan to not contribute to college expenses. Saddling your young adults with several hundred thousand dollars of student loan debt that could have been avoided is not kind.

Save for college and retirement first. Once you've saved 4-6 years of college costs and are 3/4 of the way to retirement, sure, send them to private school.

This is insane to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you guys are ready to think divorce over this is alarming.

I'm guessing your wife really values her experience at that school, and since yours was so miserable, you feel exactly the opposite about it.

Is moving away so that the particular school is not even an option possible? I can understand wanting your child to experience something you loved so much, and having a hard time letting that go when it's right in front of you.

That's why people are supposed to talk about these things before committing to marriage and it amazes me they don't.

I can see talking about money and children. But I'm not sure private vs. public would come up. And I'm betting mom didn't realize how she would feel until it became a reality. This is irrational, and probably should be dealt with in a therapist's office before it leads to divorce. 30K is not throw-away money, and as other PP's have said, what happens when kid #2 comes along?

There are very specific reasons our kids are in private elementary schools, but we are in agreement about it.

This IS money. Couples need to discuss where they see themselves living and how they see themselves living. Schools are a leading factor towards determining that.

Did you know how much private school cost before you looked into to it for children who are already here? I didn't. I would have guessed that they were 10Kish, maybe 20K for residential. I would never in a million years have guessed that Kindergarten could cost 25K. Preschool prices rocked my world; they were twice what I expected. I would have had no idea that private school costs would be out of reach for people with a combined HHI of nearly 200K.

We talked about saving vs. spending, and retirement, and house debt, and cars, and did we believe parents should pay 100% of college (and private vs. public college)... But we always assumed private school would mean foregoing a vacation or contributing less to retirement, not 12 years of private college tuition rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMHO it's much more of a personal finance question. I'd have to either (i) be making a ton of money, (ii) live in a really shitty school system, (iii) have kids with very special needs that the public schools couldn't accommodate or (iv) have strong religious convictions in order to consider private schools.

(i) would have to be at least $300K and possibly more. (ii) isn't applicable because I wouldn't buy in a shitty school district especially given the insane housing prices around here. (iii) is a wild card. (iv) I knew prior to marriage that neither of us felt this way.

Going back to (i), you didn't mention your HHI but I wouldn't do it unless you are both maxing 401Ks, backdoor Roth accounts, no student loan debt or car payments and are contributing to 529s on target to meet whatever you plan on doing for your child (in state public, private, etc.).

This. I know a number of people who send their kids to private school but then plan to not contribute to college expenses. Saddling your young adults with several hundred thousand dollars of student loan debt that could have been avoided is not kind.

Save for college and retirement first. Once you've saved 4-6 years of college costs and are 3/4 of the way to retirement, sure, send them to private school.

This is insane to me.

NP here. Lifelong private school attendee. This might not happen at elite D.C. privates, but it is absolutely an occurance at run of the mill out of the area privates.

I wouldn't believe it unless I knew it were true, either. Wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved to an area (rented) with better schools post divorce. All the private school talk stopped with that.

Nothing wrong with that. People on DCUM act like the only reason why private school is an issue with divorced parents is one parent trying to stick it to the other. Married couples disagree about private school as well.
Two things to remember:
Do what is in the best interest of the child. Actually research the schools. Consult neutral parties who have a professional knowledge of the child. Going to private or public school is rarely a permanent decision. Many families move in and out as children's needs change.

It could be in the kid's best interest to go to private school but still be economically impossible after a divorce.

You'd be surprised.

When it's truly economically impossible, usually it wasn't really economically possible in the first place. If it is merely tight after the divorce, financial aid can help close the gap. But more often, one former spouse isn't willing to give up any frills in their own lifestyle to accommodate the expense. We watched a family recently where all three kids were forced to give up music lessons and horseback riding so that one parent could buy a luxury condo and luxury car to make him dateable after divorce.