6yo - is it just my kid? "Don't speak to your mother that way" (tone and the way things are said)

[Anonymous]

Ooh yes. DH and I are trying to explain how tone and attitude change how words are understood by others. It's slow going. DD is 7.

My older son never had this problem. He was, and is, perfectly well-spoken. How is it that his sister can't imitate him???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't get to issue commands to adults like "don't touch me" or "Don't talk to me I'm watching TV" in everyday situations. Of course if there's something big or terrifying going on or the kid is scared about something, that's different. I mean every day normal situations. I'm frankly shocked at what some parents allow.

Absolutely this. They are so many over privileged, spoilt brats about nowadays who are treated like little entitled kings/queens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you correct a child because their words are harsh or tone is harsh if what they are saying is true (but just might not need to be said)? How do you do so at this point?

Yes I would. OP, independent/strong willed does not/should not equal tone deaf. You won't do your DD any favors if you don't get in and teach her a concrete lesson about language every time this happens. Give her alternative lines to say, inform her that Father's Day can be a day to celebrate all the fathers in her family (and get her involved with choosing presents if feeling ownership will help her understand better), talk to her about feelings and how people have the power to either lift others up or cut them down, depending on what they say.

Use the "How to Talk So Your Child Will Listen and How to..." book to get to the heart of what she's saying in her clunky way. For example, "Don't touch me!" might really mean, "it hurts when you comb my hair too hard, could you be more careful please?" or, "I don't want to sit still for this, can I please go play instead?" Help her figure it out and say it.

Yes -- it's not just about correcting tone, but it's also helping your kid understand how her tone and choice of words come across. So sometimes "try it again" works, but sometimes you need to do a little more to help your child consider her own feelings and how to express them without hurting others' feelings. This isn't just about being respectful to your parents (thought that's absolutely important), but it's also about being respectful and kind to siblings, friends, teachers, coaches, roommates, partners . . . you get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't get to issue commands to adults like "don't touch me" or "Don't talk to me I'm watching TV" in everyday situations. Of course if there's something big or terrifying going on or the kid is scared about something, that's different. I mean every day normal situations. I'm frankly shocked at what some parents allow.

Kids absolutely can say "don't touch me". They can say it in a non-a$$hole way, of course. But empowerment begins at home and every kid needs to know that they are the boss of their body.

+1

I think OP mentioned rude protests about hair brushing, which i put in a diffferent category than bodily empowerment.

In our house, it's not OK for DD to shriek dramatically and protest obnoxiously when I brush her hair. It's an ongoing process (she's 9), but we talk about that a lot -- how to work together to find detangler that helps, how she can tell me appropriately when it hurts, how I can do a better job listening to and respecting her request by slowing down etc. Re hairbrushing (and fiinding misplaced items, or picking out snacks, or navigating conflicts about errands etc.) it's about HOW to communicate properly (politiely, respectfully) about small irritations and daily inconveniences.

Our goal is to teach her to commuicate with us the way we communicate with her. Of course, sometimes I'm impatient and snippy, too. So I try to catch myself and apologize when appropriate -- to model that, too. Nobody's perfect, and we can always give ourselves another chance by taking responsibility and apologizing for our mistakes.

BUT . . .

This is all completely different than overall empowerment re our own bodies.

We are HUGE on teaching our kids to respect each other (and us), when we do not want to be touched. We are each in control of our bodies for things like tickling, cuddling, hugging (including hello and goodbye AND with relatives, including with the grandparents).

There are two parts of this, though. One is teaching everyone to respect each other's requests about their bodies. ("Larlo, did you hear her when she said to stop? Please respect her." "Larla, please give me some space. I'm not in the mood to be hugged.") That teaches respect, but it also shows the kids their requests will be enforced and honored.

The other part, however, is teaching them HOW to communicate those requests. It's not ok for DS to screach at DD to "stoooooopppppppp!!!!" when he's had enough roughhousing. Or for DD to screach "GET OFF!!!!!" when DS accidentally brushes up against her. Or to flip out if the grandparents ask them for a hug etc. when they're not in the mood. Those are not emergencies -- they're routine family interactions, and the kids are expected to communicate clearly but also politely.

All of this can be taught. It takes awhile, but if you're consistent and model it yourself, kids get it.

[Anonymous]

I'm spending lots of time working on this with the six year old. I don't respond to whiny or angry sounding tones. If it keeps up, he sits on the steps until he's over it. Tone means far more than the spoken words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ooh yes. DH and I are trying to explain how tone and attitude change how words are understood by others. It's slow going. DD is 7.

My older son never had this problem. He was, and is, perfectly well-spoken. How is it that his sister can't imitate him???

I think translating feelings into words and behavior can be more challenging for some kids than others. Adults, too.

Happily, it's a skill that all kids (and adults) can learn, of course. But like any other skill, it comes more easily to some than to others.

Not sure about your DD's personality, but sometimes it helps us to be a little playful. DD will say something in an obnoxious way, and if I'm in a patient place, sometimes I can laugh and say, "Wait. You meant, 'May I pease have some water,' right?" with a cocked head and a wink. If my tone is light, she'll likely go with it and is more likely to take the correction in and rephrase it herself. But if my tone is snippy/brittle/impatient/angry, however, she's likely to escalate, which gets us nowhere.

Like so many other things, it starts with us, the parents. When we slow down and model good tone and attitude when we're irritated and impatient, they are more likely to do so, too.

[Anonymous]

I think I'd cut her hair really short if I was being verbally abused when trying to detangle it. Three strikes and it gets cut. She is not mature enough to manage long hair.

As for the grandfather, I would not put that in my child. She's right, he's not her father. If you're making ridiculous requests of her then I can see why she would start resisting whenever you started to talk to her.

But yes, she sounds like an entitled brat and I would definitely fix it.