Marriage okay without intimacy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We almost got divorced 2 years ago due to my frustration with his refusal to work. He was laid off 6 years ago and never put any effort into finding a job, and until recently didn’t do much around the house either. After seriously contemplating divorce for a while, I finally decided that I’m sticking with it. Not because I’m in love with him, but because of how much harder life will be if I go through with a divorce. His lack of working has put a serious financial strain on the family, but if we divorce I will spend even more money on a lawyer, and then alimony and childcare. We’d move into separate places, and it would be difficult for my daughter. I’d rather stick with it and let my daughter spend her time with a father who loves her, rather than at a daycare that doesn’t. He does a much better job now at doing stuff around the house. He’s taking care of stuff that I would have to do if we got divorced. We’ve gotten to a comfortable point where we’re friendly with each other and spend time together. I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him, though. I just don’t want to. I lost so much respect for him over the years that I don’t have those feelings anymore. I have zero desire to kiss or even touch him. I don’t hate him, I’m just not in love with him anymore. I know he would like some intimacy, but he doesn't bring it up. I think he's afraid of what I'll say. We sleep in separate rooms.

Am I just fooling myself that this is going to be okay?

Short answer: Yes, you bet your ass you are fooling yourself

+1. You've settled for a horrible relationship and a sad sad life.

These kinds of comments add nothing.

And yours was profound?
OP asked a question and got an anwer. Coddling her and telling her all is well is foolish.

[Anonymous]

Maybe stay for now, but work on a viable exit plan.
Beat him at his own game.
My concern is what you are modeling for your daughter.
Staying together for the kids never works.

[Anonymous]

I am a man and I think this can work in the short term. I think you owe it to each other to give it a shot through counselling.

Ignore those bitter divorced people who want you to join their club. You are doing right by your child giving this a shot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and I think this can work in the short term. I think you owe it to each other to give it a shot through counselling.

Ignore those bitter divorced people who want you to join their club. You are doing right by your child giving this a shot

I commented that it is a sad life she leads. I'm indeed divorced--but I'm extremely happy. It was tough at first, figuring out a new financial normal and all, but well worth it in the end. I feel like I was reborn.

[Anonymous]

It will work until it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We almost got divorced 2 years ago due to my frustration with his refusal to work. He was laid off 6 years ago and never put any effort into finding a job, and until recently didn’t do much around the house either. After seriously contemplating divorce for a while, I finally decided that I’m sticking with it. Not because I’m in love with him, but because of how much harder life will be if I go through with a divorce. His lack of working has put a serious financial strain on the family, but if we divorce I will spend even more money on a lawyer, and then alimony and childcare. We’d move into separate places, and it would be difficult for my daughter. I’d rather stick with it and let my daughter spend her time with a father who loves her, rather than at a daycare that doesn’t. He does a much better job now at doing stuff around the house. He’s taking care of stuff that I would have to do if we got divorced. We’ve gotten to a comfortable point where we’re friendly with each other and spend time together. I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him, though. I just don’t want to. I lost so much respect for him over the years that I don’t have those feelings anymore. I have zero desire to kiss or even touch him. I don’t hate him, I’m just not in love with him anymore. I know he would like some intimacy, but he doesn't bring it up. I think he's afraid of what I'll say. We sleep in separate rooms.

Am I just fooling myself that this is going to be okay?

Short answer: Yes, you bet your ass you are fooling yourself

+1. You've settled for a horrible relationship and a sad sad life.

These kinds of comments add nothing.

Ummm... Except they answer exactly the question she asked

[Anonymous]

Did your husband ever get counseling since losing a job can be very be very demoralizing? Did the two of you ever go to counseling to figure out why he gave up job hunting? Maybe it is time for him to retool by seeing what jobs he might be able to train for. Do not forget that if you continue to carry the load, you may find child care would be better to lay now then to divide up your retirements assets later.

[Anonymous]

You both are selling yourself short in the love department.

Love, intimacy + passion are all necessary for quality of life and if you both deny yourselves this, you are living a life with less than you both deserve.

We are considered very lucky if we can get eighty years in this life.

Why waste any of it on denying yourself the main joy of what truly makes life precious??

[Anonymous]

Marriage….and the two are joined as one. The basic understanding of a marriage commitment is the covenant relationship designed as an inseparable, exclusive relationship between a man and a woman. The intimacy formed strengthens the bond between the two. So, in my opinion, without the intimacy (unity as one) in the marriage, the bond that had formed would lessen over time.

[Anonymous]

If he's a good stay-at-home dad, in other words takes care of all the things a SAHM would, I would work on rebuilding the relationship and work toward intimacy again. You have a serious communication problem, if you haven't been able to hash this all out and get a better sense of his perspective on this (is he happier being at home, being the primary for DC etc.?) though. If you think you can work out an arrangement that is fulfilling for each of you, then why not work on the marriage?

[mmmb]

Marriage….and the two are joined as one. The basic understanding of a marriage commitment is the covenant relationship designed as an inseparable, exclusive relationship between a man and a woman. The intimacy formed strengthens the bond between the two. So, I think, without the intimacy (unity as one) in the marriage, the bond that had formed would lessen over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no intamcy and a deadbeat husband? I'd be gone like the wind. Yeah, it might mean an initial setback, but Id have to believe my my life would ultimately turn out more prosperous and emotionally fulfilling. You get one shot at this life so how many years are you going to lose to this situation?

This. One life. So why don't you think you deserve better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no intamcy and a deadbeat husband? I'd be gone like the wind. Yeah, it might mean an initial setback, but Id have to believe my my life would ultimately turn out more prosperous and emotionally fulfilling. You get one shot at this life so how many years are you going to lose to this situation?

This is exactly what I was thinking as i read the OP. I'd take my punches now, rather than later. The longer she carries on the more expensive the divorce will be for her.

[Anonymous]

mmmb wrote:Marriage….and the two are joined as one. The basic understanding of a marriage commitment is the covenant relationship designed as an inseparable, exclusive relationship between a man and a woman. The intimacy formed strengthens the bond between the two. So, I think, without the intimacy (unity as one) in the marriage, the bond that had formed would lessen over time.

Uh, marriage is a legal union. That is all. Whatever else you deside to wrap around it is your business, but don't project those onto anyone else. Especially not strangers.

BTW marriage is also between men and men and women and women as upheld by the supreme court.

[Anonymous]

It will never work.