Who is better spouse -- someone who was an only child, or someone with brothers/sisters?

[Anonymous]

DH is an only. He's great but I think there are unique and frustrating challenges that come with him being an only. The burden of his aging parents is a lot right now, and almost especially on me because I think MIL feels more comfortable getting support from another woman. DH thrives on quiet and needs a lot of alone time which isn't practical with young children. I think there's always been a lot of pressure because without us there for holidays his parents are basically alone. He has only one other relative (who we will also be responsible for as they age) so his family has always felt very lonely to me and the focus has always been entirely on him and his achievements. I come from a fairly large family so it all feels very foreign to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does your spouse's childhood -- with or without siblings -- make them a better (or worse) spouse and parent?

The presence or absence of siblings is a poor proxy for a good spouse. The favorite child in a large family can be terrifically selfish, while an only child raised by mindful parents can be great. My brother is one of six children, but whoever makes the mistake of marrying him will be sorry. My husband is one of three, but has so many selfish ways that I am practically re-raising him against my will. He was coddled by his lazy, stupid mother. My best boyfriend was the youngest of four boys. Some of my favorite people are only children who grew up wanting siblings and really appreciate other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does your spouse's childhood -- with or without siblings -- make them a better (or worse) spouse and parent?

The presence or absence of siblings is a poor proxy for a good spouse. The favorite child in a large family can be terrifically selfish, while an only child raised by mindful parents can be great. My brother is one of six children, but whoever makes the mistake of marrying him will be sorry. My husband is one of three, but has so many selfish ways that I am practically re-raising him against my will. He was coddled by his lazy, stupid mother. My best boyfriend was the youngest of four boys. Some of my favorite people are only children who grew up wanting siblings and really appreciate other people.

Yes this.

Some kids are spoilt some aren't. Some people are selfish some aren't. My most selfish ex had an older brother but his parents spoiled both of them. I was basically an only (much younger sibling) and I wasn't spoiled and am happily married. Dh is one of 4 kids but was kind of spoiled as the only boy.

[Anonymous]

A man who has sisters is usually a better husband. Gender of the woman's siblings doesn't have nearly as big an impact.

[Anonymous]

Only children tend to be odd-ducks. They grow up in an adult's world and tend not to get socialized in the same way that kids jostling around with other kids do.

[Anonymous]

My son gets off the bus and spends the next 2-3 hours every day playing with his friends. So that's 10-11 hours a day soent in the company of other young people learning to compromise.

He isnt some lonely only circus freak who spends all day huddled in a corner hoarding his toys or conversing with old people at dinner parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man who has sisters is usually a better husband. Gender of the woman's siblings doesn't have nearly as big an impact.

You would think this is true, but not in my experience. DH had two older sisters who constantly coddled him as a child. DH is the baby of the family and never had to do anything. This has shaped his thinking as an adult, and he is an incredibly selfish person. He gets very annoyed when the needs of our children have to come before him, and he never takes care of things in our family. We went to marriage counseling, and the counselor pointed out that DH having older sisters and a strong mom who ran things is why he doesn't step up in our life. We've almost divorced over these issues.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child and am a pretty great parent. I will note that I am more selfish than my spouse with siblings in general, but that's just my personality. In his brother's marriage, both partners have siblings and there is the same dynamic there (one selfish and one not). As an only child though, having kids means so much more to me as it's amazing to have a bigger family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man who has sisters is usually a better husband. Gender of the woman's siblings doesn't have nearly as big an impact.

You would think this is true, but not in my experience. DH had two older sisters who constantly coddled him as a child. DH is the baby of the family and never had to do anything. This has shaped his thinking as an adult, and he is an incredibly selfish person. He gets very annoyed when the needs of our children have to come before him, and he never takes care of things in our family. We went to marriage counseling, and the counselor pointed out that DH having older sisters and a strong mom who ran things is why he doesn't step up in our life. We've almost divorced over these issues.

+100000. DH has 2 sisters (he is the middle child) and grew up basically useless because every chore was shifted to the girls. Early in our relationship, I told him he was either going to learn to pull his weight or I would kick him to the curb. I then had to teach him everything from how to wash a dish to how to fold clothes. Same with when we had our first child.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the optimal scenario is a spouse with a large span, like 8+ years between them and their next oldest sibling. My husband and I both have siblings but spent a long time as the only child in the house as well.

But really, there's no comparison between us. He's better at somethings, sucks at others and vice versa with me. I think a spouse's relationship with their own parents and the relationship between those parents has a greater impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue with only children is that they never had to compromise with anyone. Marriage is one big compromise.

My only child has to compromise constantly with family and friends. That's sort of life. I could just as easily say families with more than one television are doing it wrong because they don't learn to compromise (like we had to when we were kids with only one TV in the household). Everyone would rightfully point out that believing that sharing a television is the only way one learns to compromise is bizarrely limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is an only. He's great but I think there are unique and frustrating challenges that come with him being an only. The burden of his aging parents is a lot right now, and almost especially on me because I think MIL feels more comfortable getting support from another woman. DH thrives on quiet and needs a lot of alone time which isn't practical with young children. I think there's always been a lot of pressure because without us there for holidays his parents are basically alone. He has only one other relative (who we will also be responsible for as they age) so his family has always felt very lonely to me and the focus has always been entirely on him and his achievements. I come from a fairly large family so it all feels very foreign to me.

My spouse and I both have sibling. I thrive on quiet and need a lot of alone time. Introversion is not limited to only children. In fact, our only child is not an introvert, he would have a bunch of siblings if it were his choice. But I - not an only child - could not handle the chaos of a larger family.

Even though my spouse and I both have siblings, the challenges of aging parents fall on us. In one case, the siblings live too far away to be of any regular help and don't have money to help minimize the burden on us. In the other case, the sibling is unwilling to help.

Holidays are a burden because both families want time with the grandchild. If only childen have even more complications about the holidays, I feel for them. And our child wants holidays with both of the families because he thrives on the family chaos and doesn't want to miss one second of it. My spouse feels similarly to our child, so I see no evidence that's a trait of being an only or being a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue with only children is that they never had to compromise with anyone. Marriage is one big compromise.

Compromise with anyone or compromise with a sibling? Those are two different things. I can't imagine anyone can go through life without having to compromise with anyone. That's an overly simplistic view.

Compromise with siblings. They get to choose the movie, restaurant, activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

Well..DH has a sister 2years younger than him and they were close growing up. He's an awesome guy all around.

DHs friend has a sister 2 years younger than him who he was close to growing up and his friend is a nice guy but a horrible spouse.

So I'd say it makes zero difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue with only children is that they never had to compromise with anyone. Marriage is one big compromise.

Compromise with anyone or compromise with a sibling? Those are two different things. I can't imagine anyone can go through life without having to compromise with anyone. That's an overly simplistic view.

Compromise with siblings. They get to choose the movie, restaurant, activities, etc.

Except a lot of times parents pick this stuff. Who just does whatever the kid wants? You'd be at Chucky Cheese every day. It's just something parents tell themselves to feel better about the sacrifices they made to have more than one child.