If you continuously caught your spouse doing what Weiner did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I caught my husband doing an online version of it before smartphones were in. Thank god now exDH is too stupid to have ever learned how to tweet or use social media. Thank god we aren't famous.

I've watched the Abedin saga with a sense of "there but for the grace of god go I".

I understand entirely why she stayed. First, the marital counseling complex encourages you to think that it is partially your fault for failing to contribute some necessary component to the marriage (thus her speaking about "working on the marriage") when in reality the problem lies within the cheating spouse (as is ever so clear when you see Weiner's overall behavior). Then, even when you realize that there's a problem, it is often cast as "addiction" or "mental illness". In my case, my now ex was diagnosed with bipolar and his acting out was probably a part of hypomania. Of course, culture reinforces that we should stick with someone "in sickness and in health," so we are pressured to stay and see if some kind of treatment works. Also, the cheating is a form of abuse. Like any abuse there is a cycle dynamic that keeps sucking the victim back in -- abuse/cheating, discovery, apologies, happy/quiet period, then back to abuse.

When one finally comes to accepting that divorce is the only answer, then there are the problems of custody, child support, alimony and asset split that still motivate one to stay. My attorney told me clearly that absent documented physical or sexual abuse (not the mere threat of but actual abuse), my ex would get 50% custody if he wanted it. The thought of my out of control spouse with 50% custody frightened me enough to put off the break up. Same 50% custody would go to Weiner, until the recent evidence of the sexual texting in the presence of the minor with an undressed adult. That might be enough to either fight for or negotiate full custody for Abedin or some kind of supervised visitation arrangement (e.g. Weiner gets some kind of custody or visitation but child lives with Abedin and a 24/7 nanny who also accompanies Weiner on visitation).

Then also, there's the problem of maybe having to also pay alimony to Weiner since he has been the SAHD or at least facing the threat of a public fight to avoid doing so.

Also, there's the impact on the job. I, like Abedin, had a career that demanded travel (about 30%). I also had a job offer at a very high salary in NYC. I ended up leaving my career which required travel and turning down the NYC offer because of the difficulty of negotiating what I felt was appropriate custody of the kids. In the end it was the best decision for the kids, but it devastated my career and financial future. I'm sure Abedin was hoping she could just get thru the campaign, and then move to Washington and set up some kind of arrangement where she didn't have to travel as much but yet could keep a WH job and thus her high level career and still be able to see the kid. President's don't travel nearly as much as candidates and when they do they have a huge structure of support.

He's a @#$@ for so many things, but especially for putting her in a position to choose herself or her child. That is a no-win choice.

This is me too. My H has PTSD and a sexual addiction from being sexually abused as a child. He had 10 years of faithfulness, then 9 more years.

He also has PTSD from combat. So .... while we are divorcing, it's not like... hey I hate your guts and I am moving on you sicko.

It's more like, I am sorry about all the bad things that happened in your life, I have to move on, but I am here to help you through your mental illness so my children can have a mentally stable father and and BTW no, you can't see the kids alone so you can stay with us until you get your shit straight.

[Anonymous]

You run for president

[Anonymous]

The first time the scandal broke, she was fairly recently pregnant (first trimester) with their child. I cannot fault anyone in such a position for deciding to try to work through infidelity, it's an incredibly vulnerable time. So let's imagine they work through it, do marriage counseling, he does individual counseling, etc. And then he has a relapse a couple of years later and gets caught, they try again to work through it, but when it then happens again, she's done.

Imagine if he'd been an alcoholic instead of a sexting pervert (which I'm sure has been labeled an addiction by someone involved). She discovers his drinking problem, supports him as he gets help, he gets sober and things seem to be good. Then he has a relapse and starts drinking, which anyone who has been through recovery will tell you is almost inevitable as someone is coming to terms with their alcoholism. Given how utterly predictable a relapse was, she continues to support him in the hopes it will be the last time. But then he relapses again, and she realizes she can't live this life anymore, nor can she ask her child to do it. Would people condemn her for supporting him through his battle with alcohol like they have with the sexting?

[Anonymous]

Three times? And naked pictures? Yeah, I would not be married to that person anymore.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the appeal of him. Poor women. I hope she can move on from this.

[Anonymous]

I think people dont realize what its like dealing with an addict. People are quick to judge Huma but I guarantee her life as been hell and she doesn't need random internet strangers claiming she's an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I caught my husband doing an online version of it before smartphones were in. Thank god now exDH is too stupid to have ever learned how to tweet or use social media. Thank god we aren't famous.

I've watched the Abedin saga with a sense of "there but for the grace of god go I".

I understand entirely why she stayed. First, the marital counseling complex encourages you to think that it is partially your fault for failing to contribute some necessary component to the marriage (thus her speaking about "working on the marriage") when in reality the problem lies within the cheating spouse (as is ever so clear when you see Weiner's overall behavior). Then, even when you realize that there's a problem, it is often cast as "addiction" or "mental illness". In my case, my now ex was diagnosed with bipolar and his acting out was probably a part of hypomania. Of course, culture reinforces that we should stick with someone "in sickness and in health," so we are pressured to stay and see if some kind of treatment works. Also, the cheating is a form of abuse. Like any abuse there is a cycle dynamic that keeps sucking the victim back in -- abuse/cheating, discovery, apologies, happy/quiet period, then back to abuse.

When one finally comes to accepting that divorce is the only answer, then there are the problems of custody, child support, alimony and asset split that still motivate one to stay. My attorney told me clearly that absent documented physical or sexual abuse (not the mere threat of but actual abuse), my ex would get 50% custody if he wanted it. The thought of my out of control spouse with 50% custody frightened me enough to put off the break up. Same 50% custody would go to Weiner, until the recent evidence of the sexual texting in the presence of the minor with an undressed adult. That might be enough to either fight for or negotiate full custody for Abedin or some kind of supervised visitation arrangement (e.g. Weiner gets some kind of custody or visitation but child lives with Abedin and a 24/7 nanny who also accompanies Weiner on visitation).

Then also, there's the problem of maybe having to also pay alimony to Weiner since he has been the SAHD or at least facing the threat of a public fight to avoid doing so.

Also, there's the impact on the job. I, like Abedin, had a career that demanded travel (about 30%). I also had a job offer at a very high salary in NYC. I ended up leaving my career which required travel and turning down the NYC offer because of the difficulty of negotiating what I felt was appropriate custody of the kids. In the end it was the best decision for the kids, but it devastated my career and financial future. I'm sure Abedin was hoping she could just get thru the campaign, and then move to Washington and set up some kind of arrangement where she didn't have to travel as much but yet could keep a WH job and thus her high level career and still be able to see the kid. President's don't travel nearly as much as candidates and when they do they have a huge structure of support.

He's a @#$@ for so many things, but especially for putting her in a position to choose herself or her child. That is a no-win choice.

She can't be Hillary right hand AND do much of any parenting. No way.

That might be true right now when the campaign requires almost constant traveling, but not necessarily true in the WH. You can bring your kid in to work with you in the AM while you're reading early AM cable traffic. You can hire a nanny to take them to daycare in the gap before it opens. (And as I remember there are many federal daycares and even for OEB people nearby). You can run over to daycare during the day to visit or to have dinner with child and then go back to work after. It's do-able. But, it's very difficult as a totally single parent. Most of us rely on a responsible co-parent or extended family.

Frankly, when you think you have a SAHP, you feel free to do more than you would if you know there's no reliable SAHP because you know at least that child is with one parent.

[Anonymous]

I might have worked through it the first time. Second and third? Dumped. Certainly wouldn't have had a kid until there was a clear pattern of good behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand why she gave him two chances. I think she must really honestly love him and he probably does have a legit compulsion. But really the third time (that we know of? And it includes his son?). No, sorry. Done.

+1

+2. It is bringing the kid into it that would be it for me, not the sexting itself.

[Anonymous]

It depends on whether we could afford it. I don't care about the act, really. I do care about the social and career implications. Obviously, Wiener couldn't afford this... quirk and should have known better. In such an instant, I wouldn't wait for the problem to become "continuous."

If your life is much less restrictive, then... who cares?