Custody agreement - is there a way to keep him from just leaving kids with nanny?

[Anonymous]

Few things. First of all, when it's his custody / time with the kids, it's HIS time with the kids. He has the choice to do whatever he wants or doesn't want to do with the kids during his time. Even leave then with the nanny.... we can't always plan social activities on nights we don't have the kids... so sometimes it might happen. If my ex knows of something, he will ask if i want to switch a night or if I want to take them, but he sometimes has things come up or I can't take them, etc.

You will have to get over the control you want to have over him and the time he has with the kids. It will suck, but it gets easier. Just like he has no right to control what you do with or without the kids during your custody times.

BTW, we have RFR written into our custody agreement, but I know a judge would laugh me out of the courtroom if I took him to court over last Tuesday night when he left them with a sitter instead of asking me first...

[Anonymous]

Why would a parent not have the other parent take the kids when they need to go out? Why would they fork out $$$ when they didn't have to?

[Anonymous]

You have no say over what he does with the kids during his time. You can try for RFR, though.

Would you want him stopping you from using a sitter or nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Few things. First of all, when it's his custody / time with the kids, it's HIS time with the kids. He has the choice to do whatever he wants or doesn't want to do with the kids during his time. Even leave then with the nanny.... we can't always plan social activities on nights we don't have the kids... so sometimes it might happen. If my ex knows of something, he will ask if i want to switch a night or if I want to take them, but he sometimes has things come up or I can't take them, etc.

You will have to get over the control you want to have over him and the time he has with the kids. It will suck, but it gets easier. Just like he has no right to control what you do with or without the kids during your custody times.

BTW, we have RFR written into our custody agreement, but I know a judge would laugh me out of the courtroom if I took him to court over last Tuesday night when he left them with a sitter instead of asking me first...

+1. When I was in court with my ex, my lawyer said that RFR was dumb and that I had bigger fish to fry. She was right. Granted, I was shooting for sole custody (and got it for good reason, my ex has liberal visitation but I'm the tiebreaker when we disagree on certain decisions). I still offered my ex extra time when I had things going on in evenings, and we switch things around if we need to. RFR really isn't worth the paper it's written on.

[Anonymous]

Agree with all the previous posters that are kindly advising you to basically give this up. You shouldn't try to control what he does with the kids on his time. Just like he isn't going to control what you do. It's really hard to let go. I understand. But you have to. Welcome to the hell that is divorced parenting.

Also, as others have said, first, don't judge. Unless you have some kind of perfect life, then stuff is going to come up on your end too--a nighttime work event, a social engagement that you don't want to miss, etc. It just happens. Nannys/babysitters are a normal part of life, even for intact households. Second, you cannot underestimate how hard it is for child to constantly deal with changes schedules. If they are anything like most kids, they would rather stick to the schedule and go to dad's, even if it means not seeing dad, than constantly keep switching things around. It disrupts their sense of order and creates anxiety in a way that is frankly just not worth it. Third, if your husband is going to be doing this all the time, then your kids might ask for a change themselves. And so let THEM be the ones pushing for a change. Not you.

As others have mentioned, there is something called a "right of refusal" but I strongly recommend you only consider having this apply to situations where it would involve an overnight. As in, if your ex cannot watch the kids overnight on his night, then he is supposed to contact you and ask you if you want to take the kids for the night first. But even then, I hope you consider whether either of you has family in the area. Let's be honest, it's not unusual for an intact family to leave the kids with grandma for a night, etc. If you force a "right of refusal" in this way, then neither you nor he can leave kids with their grandparents or aunts etc without having to deal with this right of first refusal thing.

Also, think about how the "right of refusal" will kick in should either of you remarry. Sure, if he moves in with someone first you might feel really good about denying her the ability to watch your kids some night when he had a quick overnight trip. But it won't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot and your new husband can't step-parent your children on the night you had to stay with your sister to help her with her newborn.

I know divorce is frustrating. I know splitting the precious time you have with your kids in half feels devastating. But please, for your sake and most importantly, your children's sake, start finding some peace with the fact that you have lost a lot of control.