Mom/MIL who feels like they need to have all the information

[Anonymous]

This is where a nicely placed "why would you like to know?" might go a long way. And then a "Oh I already thanked them, don't worry about it!" and MOVE ALONG.

[Anonymous]

My ILs stalk us when it comes to real estate. "Are you sure you want to buy that house? The map on Google Earth shows a boat parked in the neighbor's driveway." They were blatantly looking up public records of a rental SIL was considering, and were picking over EVERY detail.

I straight up told them it was odd for them to be that into the nitty gritty. They've backed off me and DH (to our faces, at least) as a result.

My sympathies, OP!

[Anonymous]

My Mom is like this too. She is constantly trying to be the middleman in all communications between us siblings. She had a meltdown recently when my sister and I coordinated plans for a weekend directly. It is all about control and manipulation, hence we spend a lot less time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My secretary at work is like this. Obviously not about gift-giving but about knowing every single detail and being in the know about everything in the agency and every bit of my work. She likes to be able to say "I knew that" when I tell her I have a meeting.

I think anxiety drives this and a fierce need to control. I'm trying to find a way to tell her that the know-it-all-ism actually makes her less desirable as a secretary than more desirable.

I was just about to type "anxiety". My mom was similar in wanting perfection and control...

My mother has this too. I also think it's a need to be needed. She thinks if she has the scoop on information that we'll bypass everyone and go to her instead of the person in question. It helps me have a little empathy for her, but it also means I tell her absolutely nothing about anything. She will pass on whatever "information" she has to anyone who will listen.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. She needs to be involved in everything. Asked for all of us siblings to share our work/personal calendars with her to integrate into her online calendar so she could see what we were doing/where we were.

[Anonymous]

Here's another perspective on being nosy about gifts: my MIL does this, too, but mostly for DH's side of the family. She HAD to know what gifts we received from everyone on her side of the family for our wedding years ago, and it's gotten worse now that we have kids. "What did so-and-so give the baby? How much was the check?" I was really pushing back about the baby gifts - especially when she'd ask how much money people gave the baby! She told me that she wants to know only because she always gave those family members gifts for weddings and children, etc. and just wanted to make sure that they were reciprocating now that HER child (DH) was getting married/having kids. It's still none of her business, and there's still an element of control involved, but I never thought of it that way before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective on being nosy about gifts: my MIL does this, too, but mostly for DH's side of the family. She HAD to know what gifts we received from everyone on her side of the family for our wedding years ago, and it's gotten worse now that we have kids. "What did so-and-so give the baby? How much was the check?" I was really pushing back about the baby gifts - especially when she'd ask how much money people gave the baby! She told me that she wants to know only because she always gave those family members gifts for weddings and children, etc. and just wanted to make sure that they were reciprocating now that HER child (DH) was getting married/having kids. It's still none of her business, and there's still an element of control involved, but I never thought of it that way before.

So she is keeping count of the value of gifts and making sure that people are giving back an equivalent amount that she has given to them?

[Anonymous]

My mom and DH's mom are both like this. They're nosy and gossipy and we know any scrap of info they get will be broadcast to every single person on the planet they have even the slightest relationship with. We're intensely private people, so we just don't share. We've set boundaries to keep contact to a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective on being nosy about gifts: my MIL does this, too, but mostly for DH's side of the family. She HAD to know what gifts we received from everyone on her side of the family for our wedding years ago, and it's gotten worse now that we have kids. "What did so-and-so give the baby? How much was the check?" I was really pushing back about the baby gifts - especially when she'd ask how much money people gave the baby! She told me that she wants to know only because she always gave those family members gifts for weddings and children, etc. and just wanted to make sure that they were reciprocating now that HER child (DH) was getting married/having kids. It's still none of her business, and there's still an element of control involved, but I never thought of it that way before.

So she is keeping count of the value of gifts and making sure that people are giving back an equivalent amount that she has given to them?

That's what my MIL does! I never thought to do such a thing until she asked me to give her a listing all our wedding gifts and the names of who gave them, so that she could reciprocate exactly the same way. Her family is Indian and they mostly give money (checks) as wedding gifts for what it's worth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective on being nosy about gifts: my MIL does this, too, but mostly for DH's side of the family. She HAD to know what gifts we received from everyone on her side of the family for our wedding years ago, and it's gotten worse now that we have kids. "What did so-and-so give the baby? How much was the check?" I was really pushing back about the baby gifts - especially when she'd ask how much money people gave the baby! She told me that she wants to know only because she always gave those family members gifts for weddings and children, etc. and just wanted to make sure that they were reciprocating now that HER child (DH) was getting married/having kids. It's still none of her business, and there's still an element of control involved, but I never thought of it that way before.

So she is keeping count of the value of gifts and making sure that people are giving back an equivalent amount that she has given to them?

My MIL is exactly like this and yes, she wants to make sure that her friends are giving at least as much as she did for their children. She literally said "I want to see the list of my friends who gave you gifts because I ALWAYS contribute to gifts for their children when they have babies."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective on being nosy about gifts: my MIL does this, too, but mostly for DH's side of the family. She HAD to know what gifts we received from everyone on her side of the family for our wedding years ago, and it's gotten worse now that we have kids. "What did so-and-so give the baby? How much was the check?" I was really pushing back about the baby gifts - especially when she'd ask how much money people gave the baby! She told me that she wants to know only because she always gave those family members gifts for weddings and children, etc. and just wanted to make sure that they were reciprocating now that HER child (DH) was getting married/having kids. It's still none of her business, and there's still an element of control involved, but I never thought of it that way before.

So she is keeping count of the value of gifts and making sure that people are giving back an equivalent amount that she has given to them?

My MIL is exactly like this and yes, she wants to make sure that her friends are giving at least as much as she did for their children. She literally said "I want to see the list of my friends who gave you gifts because I ALWAYS contribute to gifts for their children when they have babies."

What do you think of people who do this? I'm not sure what to make of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective on being nosy about gifts: my MIL does this, too, but mostly for DH's side of the family. She HAD to know what gifts we received from everyone on her side of the family for our wedding years ago, and it's gotten worse now that we have kids. "What did so-and-so give the baby? How much was the check?" I was really pushing back about the baby gifts - especially when she'd ask how much money people gave the baby! She told me that she wants to know only because she always gave those family members gifts for weddings and children, etc. and just wanted to make sure that they were reciprocating now that HER child (DH) was getting married/having kids. It's still none of her business, and there's still an element of control involved, but I never thought of it that way before.

So she is keeping count of the value of gifts and making sure that people are giving back an equivalent amount that she has given to them?

My MIL is exactly like this and yes, she wants to make sure that her friends are giving at least as much as she did for their children. She literally said "I want to see the list of my friends who gave you gifts because I ALWAYS contribute to gifts for their children when they have babies."

I can't even imagine this. What is the point of giving a gift if you expect to get it back someday?

[Anonymous]

I *completely* understand the gift giving nosiness. My mother hand makes beautiful gifts for her friends' children and grandchildren. If she doesn't make something, she picks out something lovely and tasteful and generous. Her friends, on the other hand, sent my daughter gifts from the dollar store that left me really stretching to reach gratitude. And I am sure everyone will jump down my throat because I am ungrateful and materialistic and maybe they were doing the best they can. Um. Nope. When my mother hand makes heirloom quality gifts or sends beautiful and thoughtful gifts with lovely handwritten notes, I think her friends can do a little better than (not kidding) a paddleball set from the dollar store and crazy straws for a newborn. And you can be sure I sent an on time thank you note for the paddleball set and crazy straws. If I were my mother, I would want to know.

My MIL is like this. Every time we go on vacation when it comes up in conversation, she is a combination of alarmed and annoyed. Alarmed because she finds anything outside of what she has personal experience with alarming. Annoyed because apparently we are supposed to clear our travel plans with her. She is annoyed when she isn't invited to our daughter's bday parties with her friends. Really, MIL? You want to come to Rebounderz? Because you actually don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my MIL. Just a few scenarios among many:

When we lived 45 min away, and we were driving to visit, she wanted to know where we were at all times. Specifics. Of course, if we said we'd be there at two, we'd be there. Or sometimes we would shoot a text to give an eta. ETA was not enough. Needed to know where we were on the journey.

When we were deciding to move and to get a new job for DH, and the 100 decisions that go along with that, she wanted to know stuff WAY too early that was of no relevance to her. And not just asking to be kind, like a friend might ask, how's it going? It was like "why haven't you decided this yet?!?!" And ya know we were in the process. Of deciding everything! And I have no idea how some of these things would even impact her weeks in advance!!

When the family is all taking a trip together, she is the center of it all. Obviously having a hard time adjusting to her adult children managing aspects of the trip themselves. For her it would not be enough for her to arrive at the destination in the morning, and know everyone would be there by mid afternoon. I get that it's fun to know when planes land or whatever. It's not just that. "Where are you getting a car rental? How long will that take? Ok so that puts you at the house at 1 right, maybe 1:30 if you stop for lunch? Should I have lunch ready for you guys?" And every detail of the week is handled like this.

Last, all of this does not *feel* caring. It feels, as I said before, not like a friend simply being interested and friendly...

I trained my MIL out of that behavior. MIL calls DH's phone every 30 minutes when we are on the road. I text back: "It's Kate; Jim is driving. We are on track. Our ETA is still 7:30."

She then texts "Where are you exactly?" Over and over. And I ignore.

We give a time of departure and an ETA at outset. I text ONE "on track" update. If delays occur, we keep them informed. That's it. That's all she gets. She complains when we get there, and I shrug and smile.