Dear op: you are in the toughest years. It gets better. What we did - first, started with some parent coaching - really just learning how to apply evidence based positive reinforcement to our challenging areas. Learning the significance of the language we use, managing our expectations, and doubling down on quality parent/child interactions. Second, when he was old enough, we started him on individual therapy - he does well with cognitive overlay - discussing the issue with his therapist and coming up with strategies. Therapist is also able to help him get unstuck when he gets really rigid in his thinking. Third, started medication at almost 10 - it has been really helpful. Fourth, limit screens always and be very aware of media content. He can be overwhelmed emotionally by themes images above his developmental readiness. Fifth, sleep is very important - try and make bedtime a priority. Their brains need more rest. Sixth, plenty of outdoor time - mix of sports and free play. For awhile, I though team sports might never be a good fit, but we spent a lot of time working on coordination and general fitness (at first years of ot, then gymnastics). We have a rule, every season he needs at least one sport - we give him a choice of about 3 things. For ADHD kids - getting them into clinics so they can build fundamental skills before they start a team helps. My son can either focus on team dynamics/integrating into the team or basic skill but not both at the same time. There is lots of research on how activity helps the brain - I am a big believer in long walks/hikes. if you start researching how different physical activities help the brain - either through reduction of inflammation, reduction of stress hormones, encouraging neurotransmitter production, or encouraging left/right brain communication - you will make a varied physical activity diet a regular part of your game plan for your child and yourself.
Our next task is to get him a tutor to address areas of academic weakness. In public school, have 504 could not get iep and not ready to litigate it. So, spending money on therapy and fairly soon tutoring. In the future, may try academic summer camps.
Finally, listen to your gut. Some of my best ideas came from just being present for my child and sensing what he needed. Also find other parents with ADHD kids - don't worry u will be able to spot them a mile away on the playground.
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