MIL and DH both being irrational. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't buy into MIL's argument. She doesn't want a second dog at her house, period (along with human guests). But she needs to be honest about the reason rather than pegging it to a safety concern which she thought she could use to shut you down (sort of a shaming technique). Don't take your dog to her house. She does not want it there. But DH needs to make her admit her reasoning because what she's now done is make you guys feel like your somehow bad parents and that's not fair.

Agree with this. It is DHs issue to work out with her but she picked a terrible way of trying to prevent you from bringing your dog. Telling you your dog is a danger to your child is a recipe for defensiveness, hurt feelings, and anger. She should have just been honest about not wanting both dogs there, which is totally appropriate and reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Bring the dog and everyone stays in a hotel. That's what my passive aggressive self would do.

[Anonymous]

I see that you've been up there three times already (Dude, three 12 hour round trips in eight months with an infant, you are a rock star). I think it's fine to cancel the visit. And for any future visits, plan to board your dog.

But what does DH want to do? It's his family. Getting a kennel at this late date may be not possible. You could also consider staying in a hotel.

How's the relationship otherwise?

[Anonymous]

The original request was not to bring the dog. Etiquette requires that this wish be complied with. No host should have to suffer canine guests he or she doesn't want, whatever the reason!

Dog-owners should know that part of the costs incurred with their pet is boarding during your travel, and that their dog should be socialized enough to be compliant in these situations.
Also, just because your dog was welcomed at your MIL's and behaved well there in the past does not mean that she is obliged to welcome your pet every time you visit!

The argument and unfortunate words that followed should be ignored, because it stems from your husband's rude behavior of disputing the dog issue, which he was not supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Would your husband be willing to visit as planned, but stay someplace else (a hotel)?

P.S. We can all be irrational when it comes to family. Do not try to persuade your husband he is wrong on this. It is his mother, and it is his right to be irrational with his mom. Also don't make this about your 8 month old's need to have a relationship with that side of the family, please. That is, at this point, just as melodramatic as both the other parties, in my personal opinion. I would just say to DH that you were really looking forward to the vacation and you'd still like to get away (if this is the case) and see if things simmer down once he doesn't feel so defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So MIL is concerned that your dog, who lives with your son, is going to attack your son, which he has presumably not done before?

My guess is that she thinks that our dog and her dog are going to attack each other and our son (who is newly crawling) is going to get in the middle of it. It's completely irrational because (1) my dog is completely sweet to our son, (2) our dog and their dog have growled at each other but have never attacked one another, (3) in the 5 years our dogs have been together at their house we have always been aware that the dogs aren't bffs and make sure we pay attention to what they're doing at all times, (4) we have brought our son and our dog to their house 3 times already and she never mentioned that she didn't want our dog there.

No matter what the reason, my feeling is that family is more important than the dogs (although our dog is like a child to us!) and why are we cancelling this trip over the dogs?!? Clearly this fight is more than just about the dogs.

If the dogs and have done things that make you aware they aren't BFF's, then MIL is right to think that they might not get along and maybe shouldn't be together. The baby is newly crawling so something that seemed ok before might not seem ok now. I agree that the whole thing seems like a lot of paranoia, but I could see the thought process.

Or, maybe MIL just doesn't want your dog and came up with an excuse that backfired.

But here's the thing. It's her house. She said no dog. Don't bring the dog. Your husband is completely wrong to dig in his heels and say if you can't bring the dog they can't see the baby. That is actually so immature and wrong that I'd have a very hard time with it.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel. Ultimately though, this argument isn't about the dog, right? It's about MIL and DH and I think PPs are right that I shouldn't get in the middle. I've been trying to argue in favor of going, but now he's so mad at his mom that he thinks the trip will be too stressful and not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The original request was not to bring the dog. Etiquette requires that this wish be complied with. No host should have to suffer canine guests he or she doesn't want, whatever the reason!

Dog-owners should know that part of the costs incurred with their pet is boarding during your travel, and that their dog should be socialized enough to be compliant in these situations.
Also, just because your dog was welcomed at your MIL's and behaved well there in the past does not mean that she is obliged to welcome your pet every time you visit!

The argument and unfortunate words that followed should be ignored, because it stems from your husband's rude behavior of disputing the dog issue, which he was not supposed to do.

OK Miss Manners, we're talking about a son and mother here, not dinner guests. Etiquette is a far distant second on the list of priorities in this situation to the issues in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Thanks you guys. I really do understand both sides of this. Maybe MIL just doesn't want our dog there anymore, even though she's been fine with it in the past., and that's her prerogative. But she really did handle it wrong with some really hurtful words to DH.

DH and his mom have a good relationship but it's also a typical first child v. mother relationship. He can be stubborn and hard headed and she can be demanding and lay on the guilt trip like no other. Clearly this argument is no different.

I'm just feeling so sad about not going over this. I know great grandma really wants to see the baby, and his cousins were so excited to see him too. That family togetherness makes me really happy, and now i'm feeling so sad that we're not going to have it this weekend. Maybe this is post baby hormones, but I used to not feel so strongly about this stuff and now I do!

[Anonymous]

Well, come up with an alternate weekend plan that you can pose to DH (a quick trip somewhere) and see what he says. When he sees that is wife is going to accept his "irrational" behavior but not allow it to ruin your plans to get away he might calm down and see that fulfilling the trip to see his family is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree about being a united front w/ your husband - you guys need to be on the same side (even if that means negotiating with your husband to find a solution.)

If a dog owner is anxious about their dog's behavior I respect that - no matter what prior history shows. A human's anxiety can fuel a dog's so I would be way given that alone. But that's a side issue to the relationship between mother and son.

Can you meet halfway with any of the other family? Or reschedule a different version of the trip in the near future? I would highly value time w/ a great-grandparent also, but I also highly value calm!

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Well if it was me, I would stay out of it and back my husband 100%. Why? Because it would mean less time with my MIL.

[Anonymous]

Do not go without your husband. Follow his wishes on this visit. It is his family. If he decides not to go then talk to him about it after he cooks down. Do not talk to your MIL about it. If you say your husband is being crazy then she WILL tell him that even his wife agrees with her. He will feel betrayed.

[Anonymous]

MIL doesn't like your dog. It's her right to request not to have it at her house. Yes it stings, but come on. Your DH loves the dog more than his parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks you guys. I really do understand both sides of this. Maybe MIL just doesn't want our dog there anymore, even though she's been fine with it in the past., and that's her prerogative. But she really did handle it wrong with some really hurtful words to DH.

DH and his mom have a good relationship but it's also a typical first child v. mother relationship. He can be stubborn and hard headed and she can be demanding and lay on the guilt trip like no other. Clearly this argument is no different.

I'm just feeling so sad about not going over this. I know great grandma really wants to see the baby, and his cousins were so excited to see him too. That family togetherness makes me really happy, and now i'm feeling so sad that we're not going to have it this weekend. Maybe this is post baby hormones, but I used to not feel so strongly about this stuff and now I do!

What breed of dog do you have? I am wondering if MIL is suddenly more cautious with the baby crawling because you have a dog that people think is dangerous, like a pitt or a rott.

[Anonymous]

While I agree with you that the dog thing is a stupid reason to cancel the trip, I think you have to stand with your DH on this. He is pissed off and would probably not have a good time with his mother this weekend, dog or no dog. It sounds like you've already plead the case for visiting great grandma and the cousins, so now you just have to back off and hope he cooks down and changes his mind.