How to turn around a fight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if they just use "breaking up" as a defense mechanism. What if they don't really want to, but are just saying it

counseling. Because that's a pretty nuclear thing to say during a fight.

Agree with this but I don't even know if I would pursue counseling. Using breaking up as a threat to shut down an argument will just leave the other person constantly terrified of bringing up any issues they have because they don't want their partner to leave. BTDT, if you say you want to break up, you better mean it because I'm going to assume you do and treat the relationship as over.

BTDT too. I spent years of my life in a relationship with a man who did this (and other emotionally abusive things). Then I spent years rebuilding my self esteem to the point where I could end it with him. Then I spent years trying to figure out healthy boundaries so I could meet the right man who is secure enough that he doesn't need pull this crap to get attention.

OP, if I were you, the next time he put a breakup on the table, I would walk away.

I'm the PP you quoted and that was my experience as well. It really messed up my ability to be in a relationship and I just didn't date for years afterwards. I thought that's how relationships were, where one person can use the "if you don't like it then let's break up" thing as a get out of jail free card for any and all bad behavior and I decided I would rather be alone than deal with that. After a couple years, I finally realized that wasn't how healthy relationships operated and most people don't do that sort of thing.

I still find myself occasionally reluctant to talk to my DH about things that are bothering me for fear he'll say he's leaving, even though he's an amazing guy and isn't going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

My marriage counselor asked us in our first session if we threatened divorce to each other. I told her that my husband did it frequently and she sent us packing, she said she doesn't work with couples where they do that because they don't have any desire to work on the marriage, they just want to find reasons to leave it.

I was so taken aback when we left but she was absolutely right. There was nothing for me to "fix" since he wasn't on the same page as I was. Stupid me fought it for another three years before I finally had enough.

I agree 100% with those that say "if he threatens to break up then thank him and leave".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you say to take a fight in a different direction? When your significant other is talking about breaking up? Have you ever said anything to change their minds? Or solve a problem so a break up wouldn't happen?

Not sure your context but if a conversation is going astray just ask them to please focus on the issue at hand. Changing the subject, gaslighting, running away, making up excuses or, in your case, threatening the other person are all immature and ineffective ways of communicating. You need to decide if your SO can verbally communicate well. You do not want this for the long-term. Find someone better and more mature.