Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents split after 25 years of marriage. My sister and I were teenagers, my brother in college. There were some bumpy, awkward years as everyone adjusted.

It's now been 20 years and everyone is in a really good place. My parents are both remarried. They have a good relationship and are friendly, as are their partners. We all spend holidays and birthdays and major life events for us kids or the grandkids, all together. We spend a week all in one huge house with both my mom and her DH and my dad and his DW. It's awesome. I love that they worked hard at getting over the awkward stage so that we can be a functional family unit. I love my step-parents for being big enough to work through the weirdness. I love that they put US first and figured out a way to not make holidays and the like annoying.

I will say, the big family events all together weren't really needed before the weddings and grandkids came. So there was maybe 10 years before that for everyone to adjust a bit. But once my siblings and I were all married, we had in-laws who we needed to split time with, so doing separate holidays and the like was just impossible. So it became clear the choice was "do things together, or see our kids/grandkids LESS" and they choose "do things together".

My divorced parents are happier and more functional than my DH's still-married-after-40-years parents.

My parents divorced after a long marriage. They were very unhappy and my mom began a long-term affair. Right now, they are courteous and make small talk well. My mom likes to believe we are all a big happy family, but of course we are not. Nobody likes her boyfriend (who has only recently divorced his own wife) and my dad refuses to spend time with him. So my mom likes to pretend that things are fine, and everyone else just avoids the situation. She just tells herself my dad is too busy.

It really is true that divorce = less grandchild time. My mom is not happy about this but there's nothing I can do, she should have thought of it when she made her life choices. I didn't really mind having divorced parents in my 20s and early 30s, but now that I am dragging a spouse and toddlers between their houses on the holidays, it sucks. Lots more logistical effort, money, and time. And I can already see that it's going to be hell when they're actually old and I have to care for them both in separate places.

I am in the process of divorcing my husband after 30 years. He has cheated on me for many years but I stayed and tried to work it out for the sake of our child. I can no longer sacrifice my happiness for the sake of even my most beloved child. I hope he will one day understand the hell I went through for so long. Your post makes you sound like YOU are the only important consideration. I hope I am wrong about that. Parents are people who deserve peace and happiness in their lives, or at least a chance.

I'm not sure I'm the PP you're replying to-- I'm the most recent. But if it's me, I think you're being very unfair. Who is asking you to sacrifice your happiness? All I ask of my mother is that she not delude herself that anyone likes her boyfriend, and that she understand that the loss of grandchild time is the result of her choice to cheat on my father. The OP asked what it's like when parents divorce after a long marriage, and this is what it's like for me. Being an adult child of divorce can be really, really tough when the parents are elderly. That's my experience and I'm entitled to share it just like you're entitled to share yours.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced last year after 42 years of marriage. My dad is a sociopath and has had inappropriate relationships with women for decades. My mom finally got the courage to say enough is enough. He still hasn't owned up to what he's done. My mom has had no closure but is doing remarkably well.

It was hard for me at first but I'm so relieved now. He rarely calls and now rents out rooms in his house to college aged women. Seriously.

Someone suggested a book: "The Way They Were" but I haven't checked it out yet. Have gotten some help from books on sociopaths.

[Anonymous]

My parents split just after 25th anniversary, when I was a junior in h.s., my older sister was in college.

They barely speak, it's super awkward. I hate hate hate being in the same room when they are in same room. Classic scenario where mom hates that bitch my dad is dating (in fairness, she is a about the worst human I have ever met).

It sucks, but when you have kids of your own, its easier to cut them all out of your life and focus on your own family. Honestly, if they got along, I wouldn't really care about the extra hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents split just after 25th anniversary, when I was a junior in h.s., my older sister was in college.

They barely speak, it's super awkward. I hate hate hate being in the same room when they are in same room. Classic scenario where mom hates that bitch my dad is dating (in fairness, she is a about the worst human I have ever met).

It sucks, but when you have kids of your own, its easier to cut them all out of your life and focus on your own family. Honestly, if they got along, I wouldn't really care about the extra hassle.

I hear you, but it's not just the hassle. It's that I'm not able to be as good a caregiver for them as I'd like to. I know it's the result of their own choices (not just the divorce but in moving out of state), but when they're both sick and I have to choose which one to go to, it's pretty hard. It's financially tough on me as well, and it's really taken a toll on my work and my own marriage as well. It's more than just hassle. And if they got along, these things would still be true.

[Anonymous]

My folks were together for 20-25 years and she left. They seemed to have the perfect marriage, family, house, etc to everyone. Years later when on the rocks in a second marriage she admitted she made a mistake leaving. She (nor he) doesn't seem to fully understand what went wrong but it seems to have precipitated from stress following the death of her father.

They are cordial/friendly but can't call them friends.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced after 25 yrs. They remained cordial and so we were able to spend all holidays together as if they were still married. I am an only child with three of my own children.

It was stressful to worry about aging and illness and they both feel off a cliff financially after their divorce. My dad died a few yrs ago so I have only my mom.

The divorce devastated me at the time (soph in college) and derailed me for about 3 yrs where i just took the easiest path instead of being able to really focus on what I wanted in life. We were a threesome and the divorce was a huge surprise. My dad initiated. He just couldn't live with the lack of intimacy - emotional and physical anymore. My mom refused to go to counseling and said he had a problem. He had run up tons of credit card debt secretly so I see her point.

They really would have done so much better of they had faced their issues and stayed together but they didn't have the courage.

Left me sad, but I'm good now. Have a GREAT marriage btw. My DH's parents also divorced after 25 yrs - and they HATE each other still - 20 yrs later. His dad married his AP who was the kids babysitter. Oy.

[Anonymous]

My dad left my mom after 25 years, in the midst of a late midlife crisis. He wanted to go out and party with younger women and he did. He was terrible during the divorce and ended up with almost everything because she had worked forever and he was able to hide money. That's been the worst because she is constantly worried that he will leave his inheritance (much of which she worked for) to the woman of the month (ok, they usually last a bit longer). He remarried and his wife divorced him after a couple of years because he is so difficult. Mom never dated. She is happy but, financially, did not do as well as he did. Plus, she always planned on spending her elderly years traveling but ended up moving in with one of my siblings because she couldn't stand living alone. She has spent a good part of her elderly years babysitting.

Oh, and they get along ok now. I think dad regrets his decision a bit. The hard part is he moved far away and thinks we owe it to him to uproot our lives and go take care of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was about 35 years for my parents. My mother was the one that pushed for it. They'd basically just been platonic roommates for years and she wanted to just make it official. They get along better now than when they were married and it's all fine. They still live together but as roommates and they also travel together quite a bit. It works for them and I'm happy they're happy. They also fight so much less now so it's much easier to spend time around them.

How is this different from being married? Presumably after 35 years you don't really care if you're having much sex anyway and that seems like the only difference.