My mother is dating a sex offender... what do I do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I will admit, I freaked out and did a lot of damage to our relationship (I can be very mean when I want to be) so I'm sure that further isolated her. I guess I was hoping someone would know what to say to her to make her "see the light."

The guy is a skeeze ball, and since I teach kids I was extra angry. I'm not too happy she is in this situation. UGH!

11:11 here. My brother is in a very dysfunctional romantic relationship, too. Not with a sex offender, but with someone else who is really emotionally abusive to both my brother and their collective kids. We've battled for 3 years to get him to see the light, but for whatever reason, he's completely wrapped up in her. We tried to maintain a relationship with him. But she's managed to cut him off from everyone he cares about and who care about him, including family, friends, doctors, etc. When they are in love, there's little you can do to make them "see the light." They will have to figure that out on their own. And they may never do so, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nature of offense was soliciting a minor online. It was a sting operation. Cop posed as 14 year old girl. Guy was in his 40s (hes 54 now). Happened in 2006, convicted and pled guilty in 2008. Says cop set him up. I don't believe him.

She does have a support system, but they have all contacted me saying the same thing: dude is sleezy and not to be trusted. My grandmother called me in tears.

He blames everyone but himself on his actions. Doesn't even seem apologetic.

She desperately needs therapy, but won't go. Not sure what to do.

Make sure then grandkids stay far away from him. She is delusional. Does she have access to children that he trying to get at?

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone.

My brother and I don't have children yet, and the only child that she has access to are her friends' kids. So we are in the clear there. My brother and my dad are of the mindset that this is "just a phase" and will work itself out, but I'm not really so positive. My mother is insecure and doesn't know how to see the potential bad in people (there's like a whole therapy discussion about this) whereas I am quick to judge someone's past and current actions.

I know I can't make her "see the light" but I super wish I could. PP with a brother in a dysfunctional relationship - I'm sorry one of my friends is dating a man who I think is manipulative and she just says its her problem and shes insecure, blah blah... since I can't make her see the light either, I suspect anything I say to my mother at this point is extremely futile.

I've essentially told her all discussions with her will be professionally based. I know this is probably what this douchebag wants, but at the same time I have worked too long to get where I am today to be undone by a mistake my mother is making, you know? Just the perception of being near a sex offender is enough to send me flying.

[Anonymous]

I would tell you mother she is welcome to visit with you at your home or in public but that BF is not invited to step foot on your property and that you do not want to see him in public.

Make plans with her but don't discuss him at all.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, your mom's safety is the first priority but don't be surprised if she ends up supporting him financially.

I personally know a few well off women (2 widows in particular, if that is important) who in their 50s/60s, ended up with loser men who drained them of money.
One actually paid 10s of thousands in legal fees to defend him in an elder fraud case. He went to jail for a while and then SHE MARRIED HIM. Don't ask.
Another allowed the guy to move in, thinking that he would be renting out his place for extra money. His place has been foreclosed and now she is feeling responsible since he has "nowhere else to go". He is 65 years old.

Both smart, educated, professional, well-traveled women with normal, successful families (adult children, grandchildren,etc).

I have no explanation other than both men are younger than the women and are overly attentive to the women. Dote on them, don't let them out of sight. Needless to say, lots of friction between the men and the families' of the women. Which only makes the women defend the men more.

As I write this, I see how dysfunctional these situations are.

Not sure how to help your mom see things clearly but she should probably find someone else.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OK. I'm just sorry. I don't blame you for getting nasty. I probably would've said something to her like How does it feel to know that when you're having sex he is fantasizing he's banging a 14-year-old. So gross and so sad but if she's gotten this age without good self-esteem or a good BS detector there's not much hope.