Does the concept of "you reap what you sow" apply here?

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of cultures where people expect grandparents to take care of the kids, and in return, the grandparents expect to be taken care of.

That's not my culture. Built-in entitlement and expectation leads to built-in resentment and accounts keeping in an extended family. Other than the direct responsibility one has to one's children, everything else is down to doing the best you can for your loved ones, within the limits you feel you can handle. My parents and in-laws are not responsible for my kids, and I cannot, likewise, put my parents and in-laws ahead of my kids. This makes it really unpleasant to marry into another culture sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of cultures where people expect grandparents to take care of the kids, and in return, the grandparents expect to be taken care of.

That's not my culture. Built-in entitlement and expectation leads to built-in resentment and accounts keeping in an extended family. Other than the direct responsibility one has to one's children, everything else is down to doing the best you can for your loved ones, within the limits you feel you can handle. My parents and in-laws are not responsible for my kids, and I cannot, likewise, put my parents and in-laws ahead of my kids. This makes it really unpleasant to marry into another culture sometimes.

My Asian MIL wants this sort of quid pro quo, except 1) for me to hire a nanny for her to supervise and 2) for me to move into her house and care for her there. No and no.

Of course I think children owe it to their parents to keep them fed and sheltered, but how one does that depends on the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Looking at it from a different perspective, my mom has done a lot to help with and take care of my kids, and I fully plan to take care of her when she is elderly. If she were not able to help me out I would still take care of her, but I feel I have a greater responsibility than my siblings because she has given my family so much help.

My FIL lives on the other side of the country and therefore hasn't helped as much, but as DH is his only child, I also understand that we have a responsibility to him when he is elderly.

MIL, OTOH, was abusive to DH but spoiled the crap out of and is close with his younger sister, so younger sister is on the hook for her. If sister doesn't have the means, we would help that way, but it is on her to put the time in.

[Anonymous]

My parents saw helping with the grandchildren as mainly a financial responsibility. They have saved money that my sibling and I will receive when they die. Otherwise, they were not that involved with the grandkids, but their idea of being involved was preserving the money for them...so would not count that against them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of cultures where people expect grandparents to take care of the kids, and in return, the grandparents expect to be taken care of.

That's not my culture. Built-in entitlement and expectation leads to built-in resentment and accounts keeping in an extended family. Other than the direct responsibility one has to one's children, everything else is down to doing the best you can for your loved ones, within the limits you feel you can handle. My parents and in-laws are not responsible for my kids, and I cannot, likewise, put my parents and in-laws ahead of my kids. This makes it really unpleasant to marry into another culture sometimes.

My Asian MIL wants this sort of quid pro quo, except 1) for me to hire a nanny for her to supervise and 2) for me to move into her house and care for her there. No and no.

Of course I think children owe it to their parents to keep them fed and sheltered, but how one does that depends on the circumstances.

Wow. We have the same Asian MIL.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about grandparents but hell yes to how they treated you growing up. I'm not going to lift a fucking finger for the father who walked out on us when I was four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of cultures where people expect grandparents to take care of the kids, and in return, the grandparents expect to be taken care of.

That's not my culture. Built-in entitlement and expectation leads to built-in resentment and accounts keeping in an extended family. Other than the direct responsibility one has to one's children, everything else is down to doing the best you can for your loved ones, within the limits you feel you can handle. My parents and in-laws are not responsible for my kids, and I cannot, likewise, put my parents and in-laws ahead of my kids. This makes it really unpleasant to marry into another culture sometimes.

My Asian MIL wants this sort of quid pro quo, except 1) for me to hire a nanny for her to supervise and 2) for me to move into her house and care for her there. No and no.

Of course I think children owe it to their parents to keep them fed and sheltered, but how one does that depends on the circumstances.

Wow. We have the same Asian MIL.

Surely there are enough of us in the DC area to form a support group...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of cultures where people expect grandparents to take care of the kids, and in return, the grandparents expect to be taken care of.

That's not my culture. Built-in entitlement and expectation leads to built-in resentment and accounts keeping in an extended family. Other than the direct responsibility one has to one's children, everything else is down to doing the best you can for your loved ones, within the limits you feel you can handle. My parents and in-laws are not responsible for my kids, and I cannot, likewise, put my parents and in-laws ahead of my kids. This makes it really unpleasant to marry into another culture sometimes.

This.

My inlaws and parents are the type who would just as soon put a bullet in their own heads than take from their kids or grandkids. For all the needy family members discussed on this forum, I really don't think that attitude is that unusual.

[Anonymous]

You take care of your parents if you are a decent person.

This doesn't mean you suffer abuse or put your other obligations, like your kids, at risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about grandparents but hell yes to how they treated you growing up. I'm not going to lift a fucking finger for the father who walked out on us when I was four.

I'm with you, but you'd be amazed at the number of people who will say, "oh, but it's your DAD!!!!"

I can only assume those people don't understand or grasp concepts like abuse and abandonment, or they themselves are abusive users and cannot tolerate a world where people are held accountable.

[Anonymous]

The level of entitlement that goes into this post knocks me out almost as much as the lack of compassion and the mental bookkeeping. Sad and sick.

[Anonymous]

A few months ago there was a thread where the OP was rather smugly saying she wouldn't let her in-laws move in specifically because they never provided full-time child care. She said to her MIL directly that any money they had to support in-laws was gone because they had to pay for daycare. She seemed to feel that grandparents OWE their kids child care services.

I'm pretty sure this is the same OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should one's responsibility to one's aging parents bear any relationship to the amount of help they did or did not provide with the grandchildren?

You help people by their need not their worthiness. Your children will treat you the same way they see how you treat Your parents/in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Good God, no.

They know we can't afford private for our special needs child, who would be better off there, but they chose not to get the hint. They are not the type to babysit regularly. They still reek of cigarette smoke when they hug the kids. My mother has said and done pretty awful things, including calling my husband a jerk, telling me I ruined my life by marrying him, and telling both my children that they were too fat and shouldn't eat that much (one of them is underweight and the other is normal).

You know what?
I'm not going to throw them to the wolves anyway.
Somehow amid their distorted view of the world, they love us deeply.

[Anonymous]

You reap what you sow is a proverb that implies that actions have direct consequences. You fail to water a plant, that plant dies. You eat a lot of fatty high calorie foods, you become overweight.

The proverb does not envision some sort of Rube Goldbergesque scenario in which grandparents, for whatever variety of reasons, do not spend sufficient time pursuing childcare for grandchildren, and then are not nurtured in their declining years.

That proverb would be "How sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child."