DH's Creepy Relationship with his Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll Score: 4. Points for reminding me of Flowers in the Attic.

And that Friends episode...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a big age gap? The one family I know like this there's a very large age gap. The older brother spoiled the baby sister, and it's hard for her not to be his center of attention. It was hard for him to see her as an independently thinking grown up. The relationship is weird and definitely involved a lot of drama during her adolescence. But there's nothing inappropriate. They're just both very sensitive and dramatic about each other. It was initially hard for his wife, but she's come to accept it eventho it's occasionally annoying. She is close to her SIL.

This could be me. Only 4 year difference but the sister is very babied by DH. He advises her on her job, how to relate to people, everything. She really looks up to him. Did your friend eventually successfully create more space between the two siblings? I don't feel like I'm #2 to his sister. But it's not appropriate he's her #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a big age gap? The one family I know like this there's a very large age gap. The older brother spoiled the baby sister, and it's hard for her not to be his center of attention. It was hard for him to see her as an independently thinking grown up. The relationship is weird and definitely involved a lot of drama during her adolescence. But there's nothing inappropriate. They're just both very sensitive and dramatic about each other. It was initially hard for his wife, but she's come to accept it eventho it's occasionally annoying. She is close to her SIL.

Nope, that's weird, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a big age gap? The one family I know like this there's a very large age gap. The older brother spoiled the baby sister, and it's hard for her not to be his center of attention. It was hard for him to see her as an independently thinking grown up. The relationship is weird and definitely involved a lot of drama during her adolescence. But there's nothing inappropriate. They're just both very sensitive and dramatic about each other. It was initially hard for his wife, but she's come to accept it eventho it's occasionally annoying. She is close to her SIL.

This could be me. Only 4 year difference but the sister is very babied by DH. He advises her on her job, how to relate to people, everything. She really looks up to him. Did your friend eventually successfully create more space between the two siblings? I don't feel like I'm #2 to his sister. But it's not appropriate he's her #1.

These days, the wife is so close to SIL that she's one of the few people she can vent to when she and her husband are having issues. They are at different life stages, but they care about each other. Even though they don't always see eye to eye, they are no longer threatened by eachother. I think partly what happened is big disagreements between siblings about baby sister's life choices. Baby sister started seeing big brother as a bit flawed. Also, the sister just grew up and gained perspective.

[Anonymous]

That's definitely icky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a big age gap? The one family I know like this there's a very large age gap. The older brother spoiled the baby sister, and it's hard for her not to be his center of attention. It was hard for him to see her as an independently thinking grown up. The relationship is weird and definitely involved a lot of drama during her adolescence. But there's nothing inappropriate. They're just both very sensitive and dramatic about each other. It was initially hard for his wife, but she's come to accept it eventho it's occasionally annoying. She is close to her SIL.

Nope, that's weird, sorry.

Yeah, it's weird. I don't disagree. But it's not inappropriate. And it's matured over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a big age gap? The one family I know like this there's a very large age gap. The older brother spoiled the baby sister, and it's hard for her not to be his center of attention. It was hard for him to see her as an independently thinking grown up. The relationship is weird and definitely involved a lot of drama during her adolescence. But there's nothing inappropriate. They're just both very sensitive and dramatic about each other. It was initially hard for his wife, but she's come to accept it eventho it's occasionally annoying. She is close to her SIL.

This could be me. Only 4 year difference but the sister is very babied by DH. He advises her on her job, how to relate to people, everything. She really looks up to him. Did your friend eventually successfully create more space between the two siblings? I don't feel like I'm #2 to his sister. But it's not appropriate he's her #1.

That's different. Yes, siblings help each other and offer advice when they can. They don't fawn over their siblings though. That's creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your married name isn't Lannister, is it?

Off to Google "Lanniester Washington DC"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your married name isn't Lannister, is it?

Off to Google "Lanniester Washington DC"

I think this is a Game of Thrones reference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was his relationship like with her when they were kids? Is she older than him? Younger? It is kind of creepy.

She's the younger sister. DH never really dated much before me. The email raised the hairs on my neck. OTOH it was an email DH forwarded to me so he didn't think it was a big deal.[/quote]

OP, that part in bold is key. He isn't hiding his communications with her; he actually ensured you'd see it. That's nothing but good for him and for you too. Can you step back from the suspicion and jealousy you're experiencing and see that it's positive that he sent you this?

Maybe the issue is your own expectations for how siblings should address each other--do you have siblings? Is your family a close and demonstrative one, or more reserved? Sometimes we look at our spouses' family dynamics through the lens of how we ourselves were raised and how our own sibling or parent relationships function, and we assume (without even realizing we're assuming it) that our own family's way of doing things is the inherently "right" way, so other ways seem alien and make us uncomfortable. The fact that he showed you this and you find it "creepy" may say as much about your own upbringing and expectations than it does about his relationship with his sister; it's entirely possible that your family's way and his family's way are both right and fine--just different, and you're not able yet to objectively see the differences and accept them.

I agree with the PP above who said to really befriend her when she visits. That PP is correct that you don't want her to think that you're not right for her perfect brother. Be sure to do things with just you and her -- no husband/brother present, just "girls' day out" things; she may just need to get to know you better (and it sounds as if that need goes both ways, OP). Do count your blessings that she lives so far away and cannot be part of your daily lives, especially if she seems pretty emotional about his being married now. Don't wing it on her visit, though. Have a lot of plans in reserve so you're ready with ideas if she starts to mope around the house and lament that brother's occupied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your married name isn't Lannister, is it?

Off to Google "Lanniester Washington DC"

I think this is a Game of Thrones reference.

Yes, Queen Cersei has a long-term affair with her brother.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I sometimes use flowery language when addressing each other. It's basically an inside joke, but if someone saw it an email they'd think we were whackjobs. I'd be cautious about ascribing it too much importance, my dearest op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I sometimes use flowery language when addressing each other. It's basically an inside joke, but if someone saw it an email they'd think we were whackjobs. I'd be cautious about ascribing it too much importance, my dearest op.

My sister and I have have a humorous way of communicating with each other too. Anyone looking at our emails to each other (or hearing us talk together) would think we had both flown the coop and were cuckoo cray cray. We don't use flowery language but I could see us doing that in a haha mocking sort of way. My dh knows it's all a joke.

But somehow it doesn't sound as though the Op thinks that her dh is joking. And that's the part that makes it unfunny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I sometimes use flowery language when addressing each other. It's basically an inside joke, but if someone saw it an email they'd think we were whackjobs. I'd be cautious about ascribing it too much importance, my dearest op.

I was going to suggest this as well as my siblings and I are the same.


OP, do you know much about your DH"s childhood? Were his parents around and goof to him and his siblings?

I've seen this kind of dynamic in cases where the kids were abused/neglected and they became exceedingly emotionally dependent on one another. I've also seen in when one or both parent passes on early and one sibling fills the parent role.

[Anonymous]

They don't use the flowery language as a joke. His parents are nice and living and still married. It's weird and I'm just glad she's far, far, far away from me