Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have hit it off very well.
he asked, I said yes
I feel happy to have found someone again
kids, 9 and 12. They get along my finance' very well!

Remarriages that happen quickly--whether after a death or divorce--are complicated. Rightly or wrongly, relatives and close friends of the new couple feel involved in the decision. In my own family, I know of several cases where people rushed into a new relationship and family members still feel that they made a bad decision. (In some of the cases, the 2nd marriage ended in a painful divorce, and in those cases, the person who rushed into marriage has regrets.)

Personally, I'd want to be sure that you aren't rushing into marriage. You sound like you are blaming your ex too much for the divorce. (Certainly you blame him a lot in your initial post.) And maybe you didn't want to give us all the dirt, but but nothing in your posts screams out that this new guy is the love of your life.

What's the hurry to get re-married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have hit it off very well.
he asked, I said yes
I feel happy to have found someone again
kids, 9 and 12. They get along my finance' very well!

Remarriages that happen quickly--whether after a death or divorce--are complicated. Rightly or wrongly, relatives and close friends of the new couple feel involved in the decision. In my own family, I know of several cases where people rushed into a new relationship and family members still feel that they made a bad decision. (In some of the cases, the 2nd marriage ended in a painful divorce, and in those cases, the person who rushed into marriage has regrets.)

Personally, I'd want to be sure that you aren't rushing into marriage. You sound like you are blaming your ex too much for the divorce. (Certainly you blame him a lot in your initial post.) And maybe you didn't want to give us all the dirt, but but nothing in your posts screams out that this new guy is the love of your life.

What's the hurry to get re-married?

Yes it's almost as though she wants to prove something by getting married.
You are an adult by all means do what you want, but as an adult you should know that family will not always approve of and celebrate our choices.

Personally I think you can never think to much about marriage and this is doubly true for a 2nd marriage with children involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the mom who posted a month ago about how your boys' dad does not want them listening to your new serious boyfriend? And you think that they should because you think he is more of a dad to them?

If you are and you have this going on, plus your family is seeing things about your relationship that alarm them, I think you are on a too fast rebound or this guy is actually part of the break up of your marriage, and you need to slow way down for your kids' sake.

At the very least have a one year or longer engagement. It sounds as if you are in the selfish, unrealistic rebound phase and perhaps your judgement might be clouded a bit by lust over logic.

No, I'm a new poster to this site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have hit it off very well.
he asked, I said yes
I feel happy to have found someone again
kids, 9 and 12. They get along my finance' very well!

Remarriages that happen quickly--whether after a death or divorce--are complicated. Rightly or wrongly, relatives and close friends of the new couple feel involved in the decision. In my own family, I know of several cases where people rushed into a new relationship and family members still feel that they made a bad decision. (In some of the cases, the 2nd marriage ended in a painful divorce, and in those cases, the person who rushed into marriage has regrets.)

Personally, I'd want to be sure that you aren't rushing into marriage. You sound like you are blaming your ex too much for the divorce. (Certainly you blame him a lot in your initial post.) And maybe you didn't want to give us all the dirt, but but nothing in your posts screams out that this new guy is the love of your life.

What's the hurry to get re-married?

I plan on a long engagement. Not getting married in the near future. The divorce was both of our faults. I was not great with money and probably worked too much.

Yes it's almost as though she wants to prove something by getting married.
You are an adult by all means do what you want, but as an adult you should know that family will not always approve of and celebrate our choices.

Personally I think you can never think to much about marriage and this is doubly true for a 2nd marriage with children involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you post about this a few months ago?
A while back, there were repeated posts about this same situation.

There are huge problems here.
A family that chooses not to be believe their own child.
A family that believes something serious without evidence.
A family that "does not agree" to a 40 year old woman's engagement.

It's hardly credible. If they're not religious fundamentalists or from a different, severely conservative culture, I don't understand it at all.

Go ahead with what your believe is right for your happiness. If it means breaking off contact with your family, then do so.

No, new poster. My family is challenging, very opinionated. I've sat at the table and listened to my family berate my sisters actions. We lack support of each other. It's sad. I'm not relying on them financially at all. I am able to take care of myself and my kids financially.

[Anonymous]

You got divorced because you were bad with money ?

You solved all your issues in 13 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you post about this a few months ago?
A while back, there were repeated posts about this same situation.

There are huge problems here.
A family that chooses not to be believe their own child.
A family that believes something serious without evidence.
A family that "does not agree" to a 40 year old woman's engagement.

It's hardly credible. If they're not religious fundamentalists or from a different, severely conservative culture, I don't understand it at all.

Go ahead with what your believe is right for your happiness. If it means breaking off contact with your family, then do so.

No, new poster. My family is challenging, very opinionated. I've sat at the table and listened to my family berate my sisters actions. We lack support of each other. It's sad. I'm not relying on them financially at all. I am able to take care of myself and my kids financially.

PP you were responding to.
OK, I believe you.

Two things:
1. First, we're all getting the impression that you're still not marriage material (too soon, need more time to mature and think about money and other possible issues you had in your first marriage). Thank goodness it's going to be a long engagement, but perhaps there shouldn't have been one at all right now!
2. Second, your family sounds horrible and you should limit contact severely. BUT. Even if they're expressing it badly, once you separate the delivery from the message - do you think they may have a point? The point being you're not a good judge of what's best for you? Do you have a history of making poor choices?

So, proceed with caution. Think twice about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your post was very carefully worded. Was new fiancee someone you were friendly with before the divorce? Something must have cause your family to suspect you cheated on your husband with him. You didnt actually rule that possibility out either.

I didn't know him before the divorce. I met him 2 months after my ex moved out. He asked me out on a date a month after that.

[Anonymous]

How do your close friends feel about your fiancé? Are you living together now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do your close friends feel about your fiancé? Are you living together now?

My friends like him, we are not living together yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You got divorced because you were bad with money ?

You solved all your issues in 13 months?

I was bad with money. He was disengaged in our life together. It's not an excuse, but I shopped too much. I couldn't sit around the house and do nothing with him. Some people drink, some do drugs, some have affairs - I went to the mall. I've righted myself now. We met with a mediator twice and agreed on all factors at the 2nd meeting. The divorce paperwork was drawn up, filed and finalized. We didn't fight over anything, we just agreed to end it and tried to do it as painlessly as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moved out is not divorced or separated. You were carrying on while you were married--and you have kids. So it's understandable that your family feels this relationship contributed to your divorce. Because there's no way it didn't.

But what's done is done. They should realize that you've gotten a divorce, and now you are getting married again, and that is that.

But what is your question/point? They have the right not to be thrilled. They have a right to their feelings. That can't stop you from getting remarried. But don't expect them to fall all over themselves to buy you china or throw you a party. They should attend the wedding, but that wedding should be small and tasteful.

Your fiance does not need to know their feelings, because their feelings aren't relevant to your choice. But if they "act out," he'll probably figure it out on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem is your family blaming your fiancee for the divorce rather than you.

Even if they think you cheated with him, not saying you actually did, that would be your fault.

So your family has raised you to not take responsibility for your actions which leads me to conclude you most likely did cheat--because hey its either your husbands fault or your fiancees fault but not your fault.

I didn't cheat. I take responsibility for my actions. The divorce was BOTH of our fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got divorced because you were bad with money ?

You solved all your issues in 13 months?

I was bad with money. He was disengaged in our life together. It's not an excuse, but I shopped too much. I couldn't sit around the house and do nothing with him. Some people drink, some do drugs, some have affairs - I went to the mall. I've righted myself now. We met with a mediator twice and agreed on all factors at the 2nd meeting. The divorce paperwork was drawn up, filed and finalized. We didn't fight over anything, we just agreed to end it and tried to do it as painlessly as possible.

You seem manic.

I'm glad you're going to have a long engagement during that time please seek premarital counseling.