How supportive is your husband while you are undergoing fertility treatments?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is necessary to attack OP's marriage. She is simply asking how supportive our husbands are. She in no way asked for marital advice.

I don't think anyone on this thread "attacked" OP's marriage. She asked a question and wanted input and that was what was given to her.

[Anonymous]

My DH is a great guy...warm, loving, kind, loyal....but he didn't do very well during our fertility challenged time. He didn't want to talk about it and wasn't great about dealing with my hormal swings. I had a network of people I relied upon for support - that helped a lot. In retrospect...after having a few years to think about it, that process wasn't stressfree or enjoyable for either of us. He was there when I needed him (collections, transfers, etc...) but I don't think its a bad thing to have a husband who doesn't want to go to every mid-cycle montoring session or doctors appointment. Hubbies come in a wide varity and you fell in love with him for who he is...don't expect him to suddenly be someone else.

Infertility isn't a yours/mine issue...frankly, we women bear the brunt of the work getting pregnant and being pregnant. Just because you husband isn't mister sensitive doesn't mean he doesn't care and won't be a great father.

Find a netword of caring friends to start your village that you'll need when your baby arrives!

[Anonymous]

Second the network of caring friends suggestion---especially friends who have experienced IF---they're the ones who are unfailingly the most supportive to me.

My DH has been supportive but not very good at sharing his feelings about the IF. We married "late", i.e., mid-30s but delayed TTC for a couple of years because DH kept saying he wasn't ready---even though I warned about biological clock ticking away. Now several years and lots of infertility treatments later---the only thing they can point to is our age--and since we're now early 40s--the chances of having our own biological child get more and more remote. So even though I know it isn't useful, and it won't bring the lost time back---I still find myself getting angry at DH for not listening to my fears about waiting. That only makes him clam up worse.

IF sucks.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any friends who have gone through IF (that I know about anyway) so I really depend on DH. I also think going to a Resolve support group with other couples helps both of us -- it helps me see that DH is dealing with all of this in a way that is very similar to other guys and it helps him see that other men feel the same as he does. I also think having both of us go to all the monitoring sessions helps too -- that was never a question that was up for discussion with us. We both always considered these to be our appointments to deal with our medical condition. If all of these appointments were to monitor him, I'd be there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a great guy...warm, loving, kind, loyal....but he didn't do very well during our fertility challenged time. He didn't want to talk about it and wasn't great about dealing with my hormal swings. I had a network of people I relied upon for support - that helped a lot. In retrospect...after having a few years to think about it, that process wasn't stressfree or enjoyable for either of us. He was there when I needed him (collections, transfers, etc...) but I don't think its a bad thing to have a husband who doesn't want to go to every mid-cycle montoring session or doctors appointment. Hubbies come in a wide varity and you fell in love with him for who he is...don't expect him to suddenly be someone else.

Infertility isn't a yours/mine issue...frankly, we women bear the brunt of the work getting pregnant and being pregnant. Just because you husband isn't mister sensitive doesn't mean he doesn't care and won't be a great father.

Find a netword of caring friends to start your village that you'll need when your baby arrives!

I felt the same way about having my husband at every medical appointment. He came to the big stuff (and was super supportive during multiple major surgeries), but we both agreed I would do the monitoring alone. For me, personally, having him there for every little appointment would have added to my stress. Instead of something "routine" in my day, it would have made every appointment seem like a big deal. Even though infertility is not something in the norm for the average woman, it was the norm for me. Treating the sonos and bloodwork as a quick in/quick out helped me cap my nerves, and get on with my day. I think everyone has a different approach, and different needs.

[Anonymous]

"So even though I know it isn't useful, and it won't bring the lost time back---I still find myself getting angry at DH for not listening to my fears about waiting. That only makes him clam up worse. "

Can you say self-destructive behavior?

[Anonymous]

I just reread OP's initial post, and she mentioned that hubby is probably tired of hearing her talk about infertility non-stop. When I received my initial diagnosis, I could not stop talking about every possible scenario with my husband. I am sure it drove him crazy (I am more of a planner, he is a one step at a time kind of guy). I was confiding in a dear friend who had her own three year struggle to conceive, and she gave me a piece of advice she received from her RE: Limit the infertility talk to 15 minutes a day. At first it was really hard, but I realized that infertility was all I ever talked about/thought about. Having that 15 minute window with my husband every day helped me get out my fears, any new information, etc., but also then helped both of us move on to other subjects. It took practice, but over time, it helped us feel like we were taking back our life together. I could vent, but my husband stopped feeling like that was all I ever did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So even though I know it isn't useful, and it won't bring the lost time back---I still find myself getting angry at DH for not listening to my fears about waiting. That only makes him clam up worse. "

Can you say self-destructive behavior?

Is that really necessary? PP obviously recognizes that this is an issue. Let's try to be supportive of people here, rather than bashing them.

[Anonymous]

My DH is a great guy...warm, loving, kind, loyal....but he didn't do very well during our fertility challenged time.
I agree with this a lot. And I think every marriage is different - we're all different even when struggling with the same thing! - so you both have to work together to get the support each other needs. I took DH to a Resolve support group, by far the best thing I did, as seeing other women crying, talking about quitting their jobs, actually quitting, how they wouldn't go to baby showers, all the same things I'd been yapping about, suddenly clicked. He realized we were not alone, my fears and feelings were really common, and that just talking (without doing something) helped. It was a huge milestone in our journey. We talk about that one two-hour meeting almost a year ago frequently, and it really turned him into the supportive DH I need. I don't know what will work for you, but if your great guy isn't 'getting it' then you can certainly help him to do so. Oh, and the other thing I learned to do is just to say flat out "I'm irritable and really wanting to be pregnant, do you love me anyway?" and hear him say, "we will find our path." Don't be afraid to give him a phrase to say (this is DH's!) but the point is, if the support you need looks a certain way, well, guide him there.

[Anonymous]

My husband is incredibly loving and supportive with most things. However, he never knew how to handle things when I was having issues with infertility. His strategy ws loving, but not helpful....telling me not to worry and "at least you have your health". While it was "our" issue, we knew that the medical issues were related to my body. He NEVER looked at it that way...but I did and felt guilty, "broken", etc....Early on, we went to therapy to work on how to communicate during the process. It was only then that he "got" how crippling it was for me to hear that I may never be able to carry a child. Ultimately, I was able to get pregnant and somehow (we later found out it was a miracle!) managed to carry full-term and have a beautiful DD (who we could not love more!). Unfortunately, there were very serious complications at birth and I will not be able to carry again. It brought all the heartbreak back again. Fortunately, because of the work we did early on with communication, he was wonderful about working through this with me.

[Anonymous]

My husband was not "supportive of me." He was in it with me as much as I was. Infertility treatments were something we did together because we both wanted a family. In fact, we often say that IVF is what taught us to work as a team. It solidified our marriage and gave us the ability to deal gracefully with a rough multiple pregnancy and two babies at once!

Seriously, I would be very leery of having children with a man who views infertility or baby-making in general as "your" problem.