Those with children, did your relationship with in-laws change after kids were born?

[Anonymous]

My DH got super close with my mom after our kids were born. Honestly I think he is more comfy around her than his own mom- who is lovely but just a bit more stiff/boring I suppose if I were being honest.

NOthing really changed on my side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expecting my first, and have never clicked with in-laws. I've tried everything under the sun but they don't like me. I've accepted it and try not to let their little jabs bother me. Everyone has told me the relationship with in-laws got so much better after the grandchildren came. Is this true? They have shown no interest so far. But Ive got my fingers crossed!

My MIL rarely spoke to me. It actually became a family joke among the brothers our age, that I would be ignored. In one case I was cut out of a family wedding picture. I didn't know why, and it hurt, but it was what it was. I dealt with 15+ years of this.

Then our son was born.

Now, MIL and I get along well. She talks with me, we share jokes, she asks my opinion on stuff, never criticizes my parenting. My H and I joke all I had to do was give birth! I still don't know why she treated me that way before my son arrived, but I decided not to dwell on it and move forward. I guess you won't know until the time is here how it will work out for you.

Good luck and congrats on your first.

[Anonymous]

Initially getting pregnant made them really warm up to me. However, once they found out DC would not be raised Jewish, it was back to the tundra.

Oddly, they are nicer to me as an XDIL than they ever were when their son and I were married.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws and I have very different boundaries- I felt violated a lot.

What changed is that I no longer felt like I needed their approval or that I had to impress them.

So, our relationship changed because I basically no longer care.

[Anonymous]

Oh, it definitely changed. When my DH and I were dating, engaged, and newly married, we would have dinner with his parents (mom and dad are divorced and each remarried, so I have two sets of in-laws) maybe once a month or once every 6 weeks or so. Maybe a special outing like a baseball game once in a while.

Then we had our first child. The first grandchild and great-grandchild. Suddenly, they wanted to see us constantly. I remember having a two week old and still trying to get the hang of things, and my father-in-law started calling every Friday, saying things like, "So what are we doing this weekend." I thought I was going to throw up – my DH and his father's >third< wife barely speak to one another, so keep this in mind. But suddenly, we lost our old life and everyone wanted a piece of us. It took a lot of laying down boundaries and being very firm about our needs and expectations. My DH's mom and stepfather finally began to back off a little by the time we had our second child. But my BIL and his wife decided that they are not having kids, so we are it in terms of providing grandkids.

[Anonymous]

before kids, MIL ignored two of us,
now she ignores all four of us. So,
No change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and I have very different boundaries- I felt violated a lot.

What changed is that I no longer felt like I needed their approval or that I had to impress them.

So, our relationship changed because I basically no longer care.

+1

[Anonymous]

Not really. She's still a cold bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and I have very different boundaries- I felt violated a lot.

What changed is that I no longer felt like I needed their approval or that I had to impress them.

So, our relationship changed because I basically no longer care.

+1

Yes this. Though it wasn't really impress them, but I stopped feeling like I had to cater to or anticipate their feelings and moods. My child is my priority. If their plan doesn't work for her, I'm out. If it does, great. They are learning, slowly.

[Anonymous]

Mine changed, but it had nothing to do with the birth of our child. It had to do with MIL's official dementia diagnosis that came the same month.

[Anonymous]

Yes, mine lives with us and annoyed the daylights outta me. She's very sweet but just always HERE. In the early days after DC was born, she drove me insane -- DH had to tell her to back off and let us figure things out for ourselves. She didn't really get it -- "When I first had my first baby I wanted all the advice I could get" -- but she listened and eventually caught on. Then, she was extraordinarily helpful and still is to this day. She still annoys me sometimes, but I'm very grateful for all her help.

There is no FIL, he lives in another country and while he knows of DD he has done little to acknowledge her.

[Anonymous]

It got worse. Single sibs had fits. FIL became withdrawn & judgmental. However, it's nobody's fault but their own.

Find your own separate peace. Enjoy people who enjoy your kids. Ignore people who ignore them. Avoid anyone who stresses you out as a parent.

Your family (not either parent's family of origin) is your focus now.

Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I always say that as a mother-in-law, mine was a nightmare, but as a grandmother, she's great. After we got married, she wanted to spend every waking moment with us and I was deeply unhappy in my marriage. My husband set some boundaries, and things got a little better, but we still argued a lot. After we had kids, she suddenly found a place in our lives where it worked well for all of us. I very hesitantly started letting her babysit when my daughter was about 5 months. I realized how good she was as a grandmother, and now, she is always my first choice for sitting. She's in her 70s, so we realize her babysitting days are limited, but it actually did help our relationship. I think finally, she also respects me as a mother. It took a long time, but yes, things got better for us.

[Anonymous]

Yes, for the better.

[Anonymous]

No. They were as absent as ever. I guess I was more offended by that though. I can take them ignoring their son, but not his children.