un-friending someone on Facebook

[Anonymous]

I think it's extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's extreme.

Thank you, PP. It helps to have other perspectives (why I posted obviously).

[Anonymous]

I think you're being oversensitive. If it was actually something that this friend overtly did to offend you that would be one thing, but to be so angry over something she didn't do, and to not actually raise the issue but resort to middle school style "you're not my friend anymore" is kind of dumb. "not acknowledging your kids" is your biggest complaint? if she did not acknowledge your kids to their faces i could understand. but if you want her to comment on your kids on facebook.... that's a weird expectation.

[Anonymous]

OP, if the two of you had met for coffee and she had never asked about your kids, I would be right there with you. But Facebook is many things to different people. I have friends who use it purely for career networking (and this may not be your friend, but nevertheless). And what about those miscarriages. I say, let it go...

[Anonymous]

how post-partum are you? when you're pretty newly post-partum, the hormones are still running really high so things that might seem like a REALLY BIG DEAL are not that big of a deal. I know that I was taking things really personally for awhile, and now that I'm 6 mos PP, I'm much more chilled.

Also, try to have some compassion about her situation. She may be having a really hard time right now. Odds are good that you are not the only person in her circle to have kids, so she might be starting to feel like everyone around her gets to have a family but her. She's miscarried several times, so there's that grief, then she got divorced and now she has to start over, be single for the first time in awhile (probably when none of her close friends are single) and try to find a new guy so she could maybe, just maybe, actually get to have a family. If she doesn't miscarry again. If she doesn't get too old before she meets "the guy." (which is really hard to do, something not everyone who met their spouse young realizes.) That's a lot of pressure to put on oneself. In her mind, people like you might have it easy, so there might be some resentment there. Not against you, but against the unfairness of other people having what she wants, and her not being able to have it also. You can be happy for others, but sometimes their happiness can make you sadder for yourself too.

I am saying this from the perspective of someone who became a single mom unexpectedly at the age of 36, but my last 15 years have been spent watching everyone around me meet their husbands or wives, date, get engaged, marry and start families, while I've struggled to find/keep a boyfriend, while worrying that I'd never ever get to have a baby. It can be really hard. And no matter how sincerely happy I was for my friends who found happiness, it still weighed on me - "why them, and not also me?"

Keep her as a friend. At some point, she might be there in the capacity you want. Or not. Or she might not realize she hasn't acknowledged your kids. She might not be on facebook much, some people just aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how post-partum are you? when you're pretty newly post-partum, the hormones are still running really high so things that might seem like a REALLY BIG DEAL are not that big of a deal. I know that I was taking things really personally for awhile, and now that I'm 6 mos PP, I'm much more chilled.

Also, try to have some compassion about her situation. She may be having a really hard time right now. Odds are good that you are not the only person in her circle to have kids, so she might be starting to feel like everyone around her gets to have a family but her. She's miscarried several times, so there's that grief, then she got divorced and now she has to start over, be single for the first time in awhile (probably when none of her close friends are single) and try to find a new guy so she could maybe, just maybe, actually get to have a family. If she doesn't miscarry again. If she doesn't get too old before she meets "the guy." (which is really hard to do, something not everyone who met their spouse young realizes.) That's a lot of pressure to put on oneself. In her mind, people like you might have it easy, so there might be some resentment there. Not against you, but against the unfairness of other people having what she wants, and her not being able to have it also. You can be happy for others, but sometimes their happiness can make you sadder for yourself too.

I am saying this from the perspective of someone who became a single mom unexpectedly at the age of 36, but my last 15 years have been spent watching everyone around me meet their husbands or wives, date, get engaged, marry and start families, while I've struggled to find/keep a boyfriend, while worrying that I'd never ever get to have a baby. It can be really hard. And no matter how sincerely happy I was for my friends who found happiness, it still weighed on me - "why them, and not also me?"

Keep her as a friend. At some point, she might be there in the capacity you want. Or not. Or she might not realize she hasn't acknowledged your kids. She might not be on facebook much, some people just aren't.

Good post. I think it's right on.

[Anonymous]

I dont know what the big deal is about un friending someone who is either not into facebook or has never written/engaged with you on it.

Between living overseas and going to so many schools and being a social person in general - I tend to get friend overload and forget who is even on my friend list. If someone is not "into" facebook - why would they care if they got un-friended, and also if someone is not engaging with you on it - that who cares. I admit - I would be slighted if someone un-friended me but then it would get me thinking "why".

[Anonymous]

I feel like laughing at OP.
Do you think you'll hurt her doing it?
Do you think she won't sleep wondering how you disappeared from her list of friends?

Come on woman, how old are you?
Grow up. You have kids to care for. You're not acting any different than a 4yo that was not invited to a b-day party in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how post-partum are you? when you're pretty newly post-partum, the hormones are still running really high so things that might seem like a REALLY BIG DEAL are not that big of a deal. I know that I was taking things really personally for awhile, and now that I'm 6 mos PP, I'm much more chilled.

Also, try to have some compassion about her situation. She may be having a really hard time right now. Odds are good that you are not the only person in her circle to have kids, so she might be starting to feel like everyone around her gets to have a family but her. She's miscarried several times, so there's that grief, then she got divorced and now she has to start over, be single for the first time in awhile (probably when none of her close friends are single) and try to find a new guy so she could maybe, just maybe, actually get to have a family. If she doesn't miscarry again. If she doesn't get too old before she meets "the guy." (which is really hard to do, something not everyone who met their spouse young realizes.) That's a lot of pressure to put on oneself. In her mind, people like you might have it easy, so there might be some resentment there. Not against you, but against the unfairness of other people having what she wants, and her not being able to have it also. You can be happy for others, but sometimes their happiness can make you sadder for yourself too.

I am saying this from the perspective of someone who became a single mom unexpectedly at the age of 36, but my last 15 years have been spent watching everyone around me meet their husbands or wives, date, get engaged, marry and start families, while I've struggled to find/keep a boyfriend, while worrying that I'd never ever get to have a baby. It can be really hard. And no matter how sincerely happy I was for my friends who found happiness, it still weighed on me - "why them, and not also me?"

Keep her as a friend. At some point, she might be there in the capacity you want. Or not. Or she might not realize she hasn't acknowledged your kids. She might not be on facebook much, some people just aren't.

Good post. I think it's right on.

OP here -- I agree, this was a very thoughtful post. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP-I understand how you feel--Facebook is great but can sometimes can bring up past hurts. I have had this happen--someone "friends" me and asks how things are going. I answer give an update and also ask how their family is what is up with them and then don't hear anything back. It's almost as if someone wants to check the box to see that you are out then and then, now that they have their fill, just moves on and you are like?? Wait..what is going on with you..it leaves you wondering if you said something and believe me..I have read my answers and they are very vanilla. I know the gut reaction on this kind of stuff is to "unfriend" but it kinda makes you out to be hostile--I do think their is something that you don't have to have their face pop up but they aren't unfriended..I am actually going to look into this for the friends who go on and on about politics and I am getting over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is it extreme to want to 'unfriend' someone from my childhood who has not acknowledged my children? before divorcing years ago. But I think a simple "wow, you have kids' or 'how nice for you' is better than absolute silence. I want to delete her from my friend list. Is this extreme? It has been bugging me for the last month to six weeks, but I am PMSing now....

Please don't expect much from a person who had to deal with infertility.

Though I am lucky to be pg with #2 it was a LONG and hard road dealing iwth multiple miscarriages. I found it very difficult to even interact with my pregnant friends or friends who seem to get pregnant so easily. The only comfort I could draw upon was my beautiful toddler. It was so easy to get pg with #1, but #2 was so hard. If I had experienced fertility problems the first time around, i think I would have been eaten away with jealousy.

Give your friend a break. You might now know how much pain she suffers from not being able to have kids. This is a biological drive for many people that when not satisfied can have be really hurtful.

i know she should rise above it and all, but for some people it is very difficult and it a really hard and painful road. I could not IMAGINE my life without my toddler and I got through each day being thankful for the child that I had, and it took my focus (somewhat) away from the child I did not have. Your friend does not have that comfort and now does not have a husband to try again with.

Please try to put yourself in her shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is the kind or person that thinks the world has to revolve around their children.

OP, it's ok for YOUR world to revolve around them. To most of us out here the world revolves around other things, OK?
And it's not a bad thing. Sooner or later your kids learn too that the whole world doesn't revolve around them. Joust YOURS.

This is not true. This is a person I grew up with and I would imagine she would be interested in the fact that I have kids. I think my world revolving around my kids is as it should be and I don't expect more from anyone else, who is focusing on THEIR life. I was surprise and hurt to be treated like a 'facebook friend' by someone I grew up with. I have been 'friended' by a lot of people from childhood and have had email exchanges with them catching up on life. (Not all of them have had kids, either.)

OP, I really am not quite sure why you are so hurt by a Facebook friend not making a comment to you on Facebook about your children. I can understand why people think you might be a little self-absorbed. I have lots of friends on Facebook, some of them are good childhood friends, but we haven't spoken in 10+ years. Many of them have kids. I have not reached out to each and every one of them to tell them how adorable their kids are. Doesn't mean I don't think they are adorable. I just don't use Facebook that way.

Have you tried reaching out to this Facebook friend via a personal email message or something? Or are you just upset that she hasn't commented on your photos or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:by your behavior OP I'm sorry for HER being your friend.
I'd "unfriend" you from my FB

LOL

OP here -- you're an asshole.

Read again all the answers to your question and you'll see who is the real "%&*#%^&" here.

By the way, you have a very dirty mind lady... Sorry for your kids now too.

Sorry, I shouldn't have used the real letters to a$$hole. I'll do it the DCUM way instead: PP, I feel sorry for you, your husband, your kids, your distant cousins, your neighbors and all of your facebook frineds. Oh, and your momma.

LOL! You tell 'em, OP. What is WITH posters who pull out the "I feel sorry for your children" insult? It's like they think it's the Ultimate DCUM Insult when in fact it's just so oversaid, lame, and predictable that people just skim over it and think to themselves "troll!"

Agree that you might be being oversensitive about the issue -- some people simply don't take FB very seriously, and as others have said you don't know her situation in terms of fertility or how much she might be hurting. If you feel like the slight was really intentional, though, by all means unfriend her, but realize it's a little bit passive aggressive if she's a real life friend. If she's a true friend, you might try talking to her in person, which might help you to understand whether the slight was malicious, just insensitive, or accidental. When I was the last man standing (without kids) I did try to make a big deal out of friends having kids, but once you hit mid-30's, so many of your friends have had them that the novelty of congratulating and mkaing a big deal has worn off a bit and sometimes people just forget how important that is to others.

Good luck! And BTW, I'm sure your kids are doing just fine with you as a mama.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs who are saying that a lack of personal acknowledgment on FB is really not a big deal and that you are probably overreacting.

But on your defriending question, I've defriended some really annoying posters who friended me just to build up their portfolio of friends to 400+ or so. I barely knew these people, accepted their "friendship," and then got so annoyed by their constant idiotic posts that I defriended them. No message gets sent or anything like that. I imagine that the more friends you have the harder it is to figure out when someone defriends you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify, this was a real life friend -- someone i grew up with. I have 'friended' lots of people from childhood whom I honestly haven't thought of in years, and we always do an email exchange catching up on life, then move on to regular 'facebook' exchanges -- i.e, occasionally checking or commenting on their wall. I am not talking about her not commenting on how cute my kids are, or making a post to my wall. I am talking about having an email exchange (via facebook) with a former friend, that suddenly ends after "I have kids." I appreciate the PP's who shared how hard it is to suffer with fertility problems, because honestly I interpreted it as her being upset because i had something she wanted and didn't have, and that's not friendship.

Thanks again to the PP's who shared their feelings about how painful infertility can be and I'm going to give my 'friend' a pass.