appropriate role for grandparents

[Anonymous]

Stop dancing around their bullshit. Call it out remind them who the parent is. If they don't like it *they* can go fuck themselves. No one, and I mean no one, will interfere with my relationship with my child. And anyone who does anything as stupid as riding a lawnmower with my kid and hiding it from me will never be alone with my kid again

Speaking from experience here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say his behavior has gone way beyond disrespectful and you should consider not having him be childcare anymore.

I agree, how terrible for you that you have to hear someone talk to you like this in your own home. I would address it head on with DH there to back you up. Tell him something like " In our house we are teaching DC to respect everyone, when comments are made about DH, and Grandpa being favorites, or how DC prefers to spend time with others over me it undermines what we are trying to teach DC, not only that I feel so disrespected. I am explaining this to you because maybe you didn't know how I felt, now that you do I expect it to change.

Then If they don't change you can let them know DC will be seeing them less frequently, I would not lead with a threat tho, no need to put them on edge. Also you need to demand a more respect from them for yourself not just because of the poor things they are modeling for your child.

This, mostly, but with alterations:

Your husband, NOT you, has the conversation. You should be there in person but your husband, FIL's adult child, does the talking. It's his role here. With the recent blow-up your DH will need to cool down first, and it might help him a lot to script out what he wants to say to his dad and go over it, out loud, with you; that can help him avoid winging it, which too easily turns into another argument. DH will need to be ready to avoid engaging with his dad at all, and just say his piece and not let it turn into a discussion.

As for "if they don't change, you can let them know DC will be seeing them less frequently" advice: Do not wait for change because it won't happen, at least not soon. Don't make any big pronouncements about reducing DC's time with them. Just do it.

You already know that you need to end the deal where FIL's involved in caring for your child, and find another sitter for that one day a week, right? They will make a fuss about it but DH just says that schedules have changed. It's true, really-- your schedule no longer has room for your family to be disrupted by this behavior.

One other thing here: Where is MIL in this whole situation? You refer a few times to how "they" are second-guessing your (correct, IMHO) parenting choices, etc. but you do not give any details about MIL's actual role in any of this. If she is an active participant in the comments about you and the attempts to undermine you and your DH's parenting, there's not much issue in also limiting DC's time with her. But if MIL is actually OK, and it's really FIL who is the problem here (and maybe MIL is cowed by him or scared of his apparent aggression at times?) -- I would talk with DH about whether there are circumstances where MIL sees DC one on one at times, maybe. Such as if FIL is out. But that might be just too tricky to arrange without a blow-up.

I would not necessarily cut them out of DC's life or yours forever but would have very specific exposure to them and always when either you or DH is present. Only see them when there is some activity on which everyone can focus, and which has a specific ending time, and is on neutral turf. Examples: Everyone meets at the park for play, or goes to an amusement park or kiddie play/puppet show/whatever followed by ice cream and then it's time for DC's nap so we've got to go....