How do you define a 'high needs' child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He is most definitely not on the spectrum. The psych ruled that out. But can't a child still have some other issues that are not just behavioral? As parents we try to only do positive discipline. We try our best to be consistent but maybe sometimes we aren't. We don't do timeout or spanking. We just do time in and reasoning and natural or logical consequences.

I feel for you. My older DD, now 7, is like this. All the time I get the "if you just did......(insert observer's favorite discipline strategy here) she would be different". We waited until she was 7 to have her evaluated, but we are in FCPS. No way would a private school even take her. We were concerned about ADHD and/or anxiety disorder. The psychologist says it is "merely" neurological immaturity and poor self regulation skills. These are things she will grow out of, but she is out of step with her peers emotionally. The psychologist emphasized to us that these are behaviors she does not WANT to have and tries to regulate and can't. She also tested as highly gifted (and I know lots of people here don't believe in that) and this combined with her poor self regulation skills makes boredom very hard for her to tolerate. She tested into the FCPS GT program for next year so we are hoping that will help.

Anyway, we are beginning a combination of therapy and OT to try and help her gain some coping and regulation skills. But mainly it will take time.

Good luck.

I don't think it is accurate to say that "lots of folks here don't believe in that." I think what folks don't believe in is doing the same thing time and again if it is not eliciting results. While time can be a factor, you acknowledge that you are also beginning a combo of therapy and OT for your kid. Having a child who has been clobbered more than once by a neighborhood child with poor self regulation, I feel for the family and I feel for my very sweet DC, who has no understanding why he has been assaulted. I strive to nurture empathy in him, but can't force him to go on a playdate with someone who hits him.

[Anonymous]

I don't see where anyone mentioned physically aggressive behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DC is very nonaggressive. In fact, he's afraid of kids who are aggressive with him. It impacts him so much that he suffers a setback emotionally. So I have to handpick his play dates, friendly warm kids who are nonaggressive, and only then does he thrive. So even though DC does have regulatory issues, it's with sitting still during demanding or boring tasks, it is with touching objects even though told not to, but certainly not with aggression. So I feel for you and I understand. I can't let DC play with children who have aggression issues either.

Time outs can be positive for children and parents, I agree. It just does not work for him. We are not comfortable doing anything other than positive discipline though.

Does anyone know of any schools that are for neurotypical children but that also understand high needs kids too?

[Anonymous]

I mean this nicely, but I've read this thread all the way through to the end and I still don't quite get it. You are making up terms ("high needs") and wanting them accommodated but you don't have a diagnosis or even a concrete, concise definition of what these "needs" are. You only like certain kinds of discipline and yet your (very nice sounding) DC doesn't respond to all of them. I simply don't know how to advise you.

[Anonymous]

He does have a dx - from a psychiatrist. Did I forget to mention that? He has a mild regulatory disorder (that includes mild sensory issues).

Specifically he would need a bit more redirection if he gets distracted. He needs to be kept busy and stimulated because he gets bored easily. He needs to do a project/activity/play with a toy with another child or with a teacher occasionally (because he does not like to do things alone sometimes). He needs the kind of school that values socializing and children making friendships.

I didn't make up the term 'high needs,' I borrowed it from other posts I read on this forum. Thought I mentioned that. For example, there was another poster somewhere else in this forum who described Lowell school as having too many 'high needs' kids for her taste.

I'd like to get off the subject of my disciplining tactics and more onto the subject of finding the right school for him and understanding if he is high needs. Disciplining is a really personal matter for families. He doesn't respond as well to positive discipline sometimes but we have been told by his psych that he's strong-willed. We, along with his psych, don't want to squelch that strong-will. One day it may serve him well as an adult. So it's important for him to eventually learn rules, but not at the risk of squelching aspects of his personality or affecting his self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP who says she still doesn't get it. Your kid seems 100% typical. My kids don't sit still at the dinner table, get bored easily and are VERY easily distracted. They are 4 and 2 and they are KIDS. Older kid got in to 4 really good privates and did exceptionally well on the playdates.

OP I will not comment anymore but I think you are the one that needs the psych. Why on earth you have burdened your kid with having "issues" at such a young age is beyond me. You are being completely played by someone with fancy degrees. Get a life and stop trying to raise a perfect child that should be responding to positive discipline because you and the psych so say.

I hope your completely normal, typical son doesn't grow up to be some nimby pamby mama's boy because you were to chicken-shit to put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

His needs don't seem high to me, but it does seem like his school environment isn't meeting them. I'm tempted to see Montessori as the problem (perhaps because it was not a good fit for my daughter). She found it lonely. Ironically, I chose a Montessori for her because her previous nursery school had been too group-oriented/lock-step and she clearly hated it.

The happy ending to the story is that we found a school that was a great balance of sociable and individualistic for her. At your son's age, she liked to set her own agenda and do things at her own pace, but also to do things in a companionable way (i.e. chatting while she worked, working in small groups). The less-than-helpful ending of the story is that this was a process of trial and error for us and it left me with the sense that you look for a match rather than that there's a right answer to these questions and it's _________.

Honestly, there's no reason (other than teacher convenience) that 5 -8 year olds need to be sitting still at a desk or in a circle at school. In your son's case, I'd start by looking for a school where you see some first graders working standing up or moving around while they work. They need to be working, of course, and not disrupting others' work, but you can have a productive educational environment that looks like this. A mix of students working solo, in small groups, with the teacher or an aide, is probably also a good sign.

[Anonymous]

OP: Does your son have sufficient opportunites each day to play outside, run around, and explore? A lot of high-energy toddlers/children are better able to deal with sitting to eat/circle time if they've been allowed/encouraged to be physically active. Sometimes "circle times" are too long and honestly quite boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Does your son have sufficient opportunites each day to play outside, run around, and explore? A lot of high-energy toddlers/children are better able to deal with sitting to eat/circle time if they've been allowed/encouraged to be physically active. Sometimes "circle times" are too long and honestly quite boring.

That's exactly what I was going to ask. If he's like mine, you need to run him ragged most days physically. "Then" he'll sit for circle time and/or dinner. I made sure he gets exercise before school, and we picked a preschool that had two recesses each day for physical exercise. And his kindergarten has both recess and P.E. every day. Then, i run him ragged after school too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see where anyone mentioned physically aggressive behavior.

Poor self regulatory skills can, not always, but can include physically aggressive behaviour.

[Anonymous]

Their circle times are indeed long. There is a great emphasis on order and calm and slow and methodical movement in this montessori class. In three hours there is oftentimes no opportunity for the children to be active and play. So perhaps it is just asking too much of a 5 year old boy to sit like little adult for three hours.

We took him to Dr. Stanley Greenspan, who has written numerous books on autism and regulatory disorders. Upon evaluation, he was dx as having a mild regulatory disorder(sensory issue). I did not post here to debate my son's dx, but only to find schools that would be good for him.

[Anonymous]

PP with the DD7 here. In looking at schools, I would look at those that are large enough to have multiple teachers per grade. Our psychologist said that in addition to the right type of school, teacher placement is crucial. Teachers are people with different personalities. Some teachers don't mind the kids with these mild (but nonetheless annoying and occasionally disruptive) issues and frankly some have a very hard time with them.

So far for us it has been a bit of a crap shoot. Her 4 yo PK teacher could not handle her (she was the one who initially told us to get an evaluation), but her K teacher thought she was fabulous and had no concerns. Her first grade teacher had a very difficult time with her, but her second grade teacher does not. Also the class mix plays a big role in whether or not your kid is perceived as an issue or if the teacher can deal with it.

Sorry if that is not much help. Like I said before we are in FCPS because private is just not really an option for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with the DD7 here. In looking at schools, I would look at those that are large enough to have multiple teachers per grade. Our psychologist said that in addition to the right type of school, teacher placement is crucial. Teachers are people with different personalities. Some teachers don't mind the kids with these mild (but nonetheless annoying and occasionally disruptive) issues and frankly some have a very hard time with them.

So far for us it has been a bit of a crap shoot. Her 4 yo PK teacher could not handle her (she was the one who initially told us to get an evaluation), but her K teacher thought she was fabulous and had no concerns. Her first grade teacher had a very difficult time with her, but her second grade teacher does not. Also the class mix plays a big role in whether or not your kid is perceived as an issue or if the teacher can deal with it.

Sorry if that is not much help. Like I said before we are in FCPS because private is just not really an option for us.

It's so hard for children who have teachers with little tolerance for them. I wish your daughter the best. But even in private schools teachers can be intolerant of differences in children. DC's teacher is not very understanding about his issues.