Encouraging 7 year old to speak - suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I'd leave her alone. She is just shy, she will come out of her shell on her own timeline. I was like this as a kid, the more anyone focused on it, the worse it got. Now I'm a normal outgoing adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave her alone. She is just shy, she will come out of her shell on her own timeline. I was like this as a kid, the more anyone focused on it, the worse it got. Now I'm a normal outgoing adult.

I agree. I was a shy kid and the more adults focused on it the worse it became. Unless your daughter seems unhappy with it I would leave it alone, and don't let other adults chastise her for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave her alone. She is just shy, she will come out of her shell on her own timeline. I was like this as a kid, the more anyone focused on it, the worse it got. Now I'm a normal outgoing adult.

I agree. I was a shy kid and the more adults focused on it the worse it became. Unless your daughter seems unhappy with it I would leave it alone, and don't let other adults chastise her for it.

OP here. Thanks for this!! I do come to her defense when other parents mention it to me. But at the same time, I am trying to encourage her to just say "hello" and "thank you" audibly. We do model basic conversation skills with strangers. We are also have friends over often.

She's, of course, more comfortable with adults who are better at speaking with young children (i.e., open-ended questions, speak more slowly, use humor).

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters that say OP's daughter is just shy.

DCUMers as a group overreact to any sign of imperfection and recommend professional help and a diagnosis for pretty much everything. It might be worth mentioning to the pediatrician at the next visit, but that's about it.

Some kids are just shy, some kids work hard for Bs even though they don't have a learning disability, some people are clumsy and don't have gross motor skills deficits, etc. It's almost as if individual differences aren't allowed and everyone's child must either be perfect or have a diagnosis to explain the lack of perfection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posters that say OP's daughter is just shy.

DCUMers as a group overreact to any sign of imperfection and recommend professional help and a diagnosis for pretty much everything. It might be worth mentioning to the pediatrician at the next visit, but that's about it.

Some kids are just shy, some kids work hard for Bs even though they don't have a learning disability, some people are clumsy and don't have gross motor skills deficits, etc. It's almost as if individual differences aren't allowed and everyone's child must either be perfect or have a diagnosis to explain the lack of perfection.

You have it the wrong way round. Most of us parents whose kids have neurological, learning, or motor skill deficits aren't going around broadcasting this. My friends with SN kids and I do get rude comments and blunt questions from strangers all the time though, "What's wrong with him?" "Why is she so slow?" "Is your kid autistic?"

Why do strangers concern themselves with their perceived imperfections of my kid?

Yes, there's definitely a range of normal, but at 7, I would definitely be a little more proactive than sticking my head in the sand. If it is anxiety related, it's harder to just over come with maturity. OP, I'd definitely mention it to your pediatrician, but have you asked DD's teacher about it? He/she might have a good perspective.

P.S. PP, my kid is perfection even with diagnoses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is just normal behavior. Yes, you should encourage your child, but many kids are like this. I remember being 16 and having my first job at a store. It was part of my job to great new customers -- omg --- it was so hard! I had no trouble talking to teacher or other adults that I knew at school.... but I just wasn't in the habit of speaking to unknown, older adults. Hard to do, but I had to do it. I generally don't have a problem speaking up to anyone anymore -- probably to a fault!

We all admire the engaging little kids who can talk to anyone, but I think it's very normal for kids to be reticent with adults. I think you just continue to encourage and to cultivate confidence in other ways. Eventually she will come around.

NO -- to the people who think this is Asbergers or selective mutism! I know a girl with selective mutism... being shy with speaking to adults is NOT the same.

PP, selective mutism does not necessarily mean that a child who can speak refuses to speak in all circumstances.

"consistent failure to speak in specific social situations (in which there is an expectation for speaking, such as at school) despite speaking in other situations."

So yes, it can be just in a particular setting (like school) or just with a particular group of people (kids or adults) not just no talking to anyone all the time.

Actually, OP's kid meets all of ASHA's criteria for selective mutism:

--not speaking interferes with school or work, or with social communication.
--lasts at least 1 month (not limited to the first month of school).
--failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort, with the spoken language required in the social situation
not due to a communication disorder (e.g., stuttering). It does not occur exclusively during the course of autism spectrum disorder, schizophrenia, or other psychotic disorder.

So this doesn't seem like just shyness.

[Anonymous]

So this doesn't seem like just shyness.

I agree but it's up to OP........

[Anonymous]

I was a shy kid and now I'm a selective introvert (my own terminology). Please respect that she does not want to interact. Perhaps you can find out why, but don't push her into it because there is no net gain in that. She may be very good at watching and observing. She may be holding it in until she feels like she will be ready. It's hard to tell, but she may just be expressing her natural, NORMAL personality. Perhaps it will take a while to figure out, but I caution the suggestion to pathologize shyness and introversion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave her alone. She is just shy, she will come out of her shell on her own timeline. I was like this as a kid, the more anyone focused on it, the worse it got. Now I'm a normal outgoing adult.

I agree. I was a shy kid and the more adults focused on it the worse it became. Unless your daughter seems unhappy with it I would leave it alone, and don't let other adults chastise her for it.

OP here. Thanks for this!! I do come to her defense when other parents mention it to me. But at the same time, I am trying to encourage her to just say "hello" and "thank you" audibly. We do model basic conversation skills with strangers. We are also have friends over often.

She's, of course, more comfortable with adults who are better at speaking with young children (i.e., open-ended questions, speak more slowly, use humor).

She sounds completely normal to me. My 6year old son has a hard time talking to adults he doesn't, but once he's been around them a little he opens up. He tends toward the anxious side, which runs strongly in his dad's family, so I just make sure I'm at ease with every situation. Any adults who think this is impolite are crazy. Just smile easily and tell them your daughter tends to be a bit slow to warm up to new people. Say it affectionately so that your daughter think it's a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

^^ ack. Typing on my phone is a bad idea. Sorry for the typos!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a shy kid and now I'm a selective introvert (my own terminology). Please respect that she does not want to interact. Perhaps you can find out why, but don't push her into it because there is no net gain in that. She may be very good at watching and observing. She may be holding it in until she feels like she will be ready. It's hard to tell, but she may just be expressing her natural, NORMAL personality. Perhaps it will take a while to figure out, but I caution the suggestion to pathologize shyness and introversion.

PP here: AMEN!
It's starting to seem the only acceptable personality in this country is outgoing/extrovert and over the top reality show version at that.

I reiterate that unless your daughter seems to be upset by it let it be. Keep encouraging her gently and always model good manners, but don't make her feel like their is something "wrong" with her she doesn't need to be chatty with every person she meets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a shy kid and now I'm a selective introvert (my own terminology). Please respect that she does not want to interact. Perhaps you can find out why, but don't push her into it because there is no net gain in that. She may be very good at watching and observing. She may be holding it in until she feels like she will be ready. It's hard to tell, but she may just be expressing her natural, NORMAL personality. Perhaps it will take a while to figure out, but I caution the suggestion to pathologize shyness and introversion.

PP here: AMEN!
It's starting to seem the only acceptable personality in this country is outgoing/extrovert and over the top reality show version at that.

I reiterate that unless your daughter seems to be upset by it let it be. Keep encouraging her gently and always model good manners, but don't make her feel like their is something "wrong" with her she doesn't need to be chatty with every person she meets.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posters that say OP's daughter is just shy.

DCUMers as a group overreact to any sign of imperfection and recommend professional help and a diagnosis for pretty much everything. It might be worth mentioning to the pediatrician at the next visit, but that's about it.

Some kids are just shy, some kids work hard for Bs even though they don't have a learning disability, some people are clumsy and don't have gross motor skills deficits, etc. It's almost as if individual differences aren't allowed and everyone's child must either be perfect or have a diagnosis to explain the lack of perfection.

Sure, she's shy. Speech therapy focused on social issues can still help. Heck, all kids could benefit from it.