Can my in-laws afford to move? Financial gurus, we need your opinion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you'd need to sell your house and buy something bigger further out for it to be feasible.

+1. And CCRC's are not cheap.

You want the OP to sell her house and buy a bigger one to take care 24/7 of 2 frail 80 year old people? She will still have to hire help as they age and require more assistance, especially 2 people, that is a TON of work. They are only going to get older and more frail, with more health issues and care required. Times 2. I don't think that is a good idea at all. Op will have a higher mortgage and more expenses in addition to all the transportation, shopping, health management needs for 2 aging people. We don't know if OP works, but that is a really big commitment regardless. There may be a point where she can't physically manage (toilet ing, dressing, bathing, changing, feeding) and would really benefit from planning for the next 10 years or so realistically

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to make this decision for them. What do they want to do?

They are like leaves in the wind, changing direction constantly. It depends who they talk to. Ideally, they would like us to buy a large house and put a large extension on it that they would live in for the rest of the days, with skilled nursing care and with me becoming a stay-at-home parent to care for them and the house. That is not feasible financially, nor is it something we have any desire to do. My FIL was abusive to my husband as a child, and bringing him in to live with our immediate family is not an option. Beyond that choice, they talk about moving here and living independently in an apartment (but it must be brand new, have in-unit WD, be near our house, etc.), moving into assisted care (which I am not sure they have the resources for), and staying put where they are. They have been very resistant to getting help in their house.

My husband and I are trying to get a better understanding of the finances of it all, so we can present them with some realistic options, and they will then be able to make a decision for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you'd need to sell your house and buy something bigger further out for it to be feasible.

+1. And CCRC's are not cheap.

You want the OP to sell her house and buy a bigger one to take care 24/7 of 2 frail 80 year old people? She will still have to hire help as they age and require more assistance, especially 2 people, that is a TON of work. They are only going to get older and more frail, with more health issues and care required. Times 2. I don't think that is a good idea at all. Op will have a higher mortgage and more expenses in addition to all the transportation, shopping, health management needs for 2 aging people. We don't know if OP works, but that is a really big commitment regardless. There may be a point where she can't physically manage (toilet ing, dressing, bathing, changing, feeding) and would really benefit from planning for the next 10 years or so realistically

OP here - Yes. Us moving and taking care of them in our home is not an option (financially, emotionally, and so on...).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to make this decision for them. What do they want to do?

They are like leaves in the wind, changing direction constantly. It depends who they talk to. Ideally, they would like us to buy a large house and put a large extension on it that they would live in for the rest of the days, with skilled nursing care and with me becoming a stay-at-home parent to care for them and the house. That is not feasible financially, nor is it something we have any desire to do. My FIL was abusive to my husband as a child, and bringing him in to live with our immediate family is not an option. Beyond that choice, they talk about moving here and living independently in an apartment (but it must be brand new, have in-unit WD, be near our house, etc.), moving into assisted care (which I am not sure they have the resources for), and staying put where they are. They have been very resistant to getting help in their house.

My husband and I are trying to get a better understanding of the finances of it all, so we can present them with some realistic options, and they will then be able to make a decision for themselves.

BTW, the 9:03 posting is from me (OP).

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that you need some kid of assisted living--Ideally that has a nursing facility, so when they need it, it's there.

At mid-80s and frail, you might not need too many years...what does a place like Leisure World in MoCo cost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to make this decision for them. What do they want to do?

They are like leaves in the wind, changing direction constantly. It depends who they talk to. Ideally, they would like us to buy a large house and put a large extension on it that they would live in for the rest of the days, with skilled nursing care and with me becoming a stay-at-home parent to care for them and the house. That is not feasible financially, nor is it something we have any desire to do. My FIL was abusive to my husband as a child, and bringing him in to live with our immediate family is not an option. Beyond that choice, they talk about moving here and living independently in an apartment (but it must be brand new, have in-unit WD, be near our house, etc.), moving into assisted care (which I am not sure they have the resources for), and staying put where they are. They have been very resistant to getting help in their house.

My husband and I are trying to get a better understanding of the finances of it all, so we can present them with some realistic options, and they will then be able to make a decision for themselves.

Ok, seeing that... find assisted living where they are. Don't move them here for you to end up their primary support.

My MIL is taking care of her mother in assisted living. It is still a lot of work, and something you'd do as a labor of love, not for unrealistic, demanding former abusers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to make this decision for them. What do they want to do?

They are like leaves in the wind, changing direction constantly. It depends who they talk to. Ideally, they would like us to buy a large house and put a large extension on it that they would live in for the rest of the days, with skilled nursing care and with me becoming a stay-at-home parent to care for them and the house. That is not feasible financially, nor is it something we have any desire to do. My FIL was abusive to my husband as a child, and bringing him in to live with our immediate family is not an option. Beyond that choice, they talk about moving here and living independently in an apartment (but it must be brand new, have in-unit WD, be near our house, etc.), moving into assisted care (which I am not sure they have the resources for), and staying put where they are. They have been very resistant to getting help in their house.

My husband and I are trying to get a better understanding of the finances of it all, so we can present them with some realistic options, and they will then be able to make a decision for themselves.

That FIL was abusive is a big red flag for me and reduces how far I would go in helping.
Help as much as you can but I would not adopt their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to make this decision for them. What do they want to do?

They are like leaves in the wind, changing direction constantly. It depends who they talk to. Ideally, they would like us to buy a large house and put a large extension on it that they would live in for the rest of the days, with skilled nursing care and with me becoming a stay-at-home parent to care for them and the house. That is not feasible financially, nor is it something we have any desire to do. My FIL was abusive to my husband as a child, and bringing him in to live with our immediate family is not an option. Beyond that choice, they talk about moving here and living independently in an apartment (but it must be brand new, have in-unit WD, be near our house, etc.), moving into assisted care (which I am not sure they have the resources for), and staying put where they are. They have been very resistant to getting help in their house.

My husband and I are trying to get a better understanding of the finances of it all, so we can present them with some realistic options, and they will then be able to make a decision for themselves.

Ok, seeing that... find assisted living where they are. Don't move them here for you to end up their primary support.

My MIL is taking care of her mother in assisted living. It is still a lot of work, and something you'd do as a labor of love, not for unrealistic, demanding former abusers.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to a social worker to determine their eligibility for all sorts of support. Do they qualify for in-home nursing care? Could they get into elder housing, like the apartment complex in Columbia Heights or right there on 15th and U Street?

How much space would they need? Would renting a place with a full-time helper be feasible? Are you guys long-living folks? My parents died in their early to mid-70s, which was longer than their family members. You'd need to have a sense, based on their health and abilities, before considering options.

A social worker could help with all of this. I'm sure the Dept. on Aging would have resources that you could tap into as you go about figuring this out. Maybe AARP as well.

Good luck, OP! My parents had a lot to atone for (like your FIL and his abuses), but I tell you, having done right by them during their decline makes sleeping at night pretty damn easy.

Check into social services, basically anywhere, and they can help guide you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to make this decision for them. What do they want to do?

They are like leaves in the wind, changing direction constantly. It depends who they talk to. Ideally, they would like us to buy a large house and put a large extension on it that they would live in for the rest of the days, with skilled nursing care and with me becoming a stay-at-home parent to care for them and the house. That is not feasible financially, nor is it something we have any desire to do. My FIL was abusive to my husband as a child, and bringing him in to live with our immediate family is not an option. Beyond that choice, they talk about moving here and living independently in an apartment (but it must be brand new, have in-unit WD, be near our house, etc.), moving into assisted care (which I am not sure they have the resources for), and staying put where they are. They have been very resistant to getting help in their house.

My husband and I are trying to get a better understanding of the finances of it all, so we can present them with some realistic options, and they will then be able to make a decision for themselves.

That FIL was abusive is a big red flag for me and reduces how far I would go in helping.
Help as much as you can but I would not adopt their problems.

+1 agree. They are adults, their choices put them here, this is their problem to work out. If they ask you to come apartment shopping with them and the realtor, go for it. If they ask you to do all the grocery shopping and cooking and nursing...hello PeaPod and Blue Apron and home health care aides. If they refuse those, do nothing. It's not your fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others that you need some kid of assisted living--Ideally that has a nursing facility, so when they need it, it's there.

At mid-80s and frail, you might not need too many years...what does a place like Leisure World in MoCo cost?

Leisure World has different types housing at different price points, so they can probably find something that works within their budget. I don't know how current this is, but I read that they offered snowbird rentals for six months, beginning in November, so seniors could try out the place and see if they like it.