HS Freshman - No motivation

[Anonymous]

It seems perfectly reasonable to me that a 14 year old is not interested in theater, sports, debate, math club, science olympiad, model UN, etc. If I had to join one of those as a freshman, I would probably just shrug my shoulders, too.

I have a freshman who is in orchestra, takes guitar lessons and doesn't particularly want to do much else. I can't think of a good reason to object to that other than "but college admissions blah blah blah." Some people are just not joiners - that doesn't mean they won't be productive members of society or that they are mentally ill. Despite feeling this way, I still feel pressured to harass my kid into choosing something. Since the school year is just getting started, I'm hoping one of his friends joins something he finds at least tolerable and he'll try it out. If not, maybe he'll discover something he likes by next year at least.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that you bring up AP classes for a 9th grader as an example of "unmotivated" concerns me. A lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids went through magnet programs in MCPS. And while they did great and continue to do great, I spent a lot of time with them ensuring that they do their work.

I realized that studying, doing homework etc. - is a matter of habit and discipline. These habits need to be formed and this discipline needs to be instilled.

What normal child will choose work (study) over play? So, it is important to set up a schedule and adhere to it. Lack of motivation and procrastination is normal and even the so-called high achieving child has to work through them.

Even as adults - if we were given an option not to do any work or chores - we will take it. It is only that we know that there are long term consequences of not doing the work that pushes us to tackle them. So, setting goals and schedules and adhering to it is how you get started. Motivation will build up over time when these efforts will bring success.

Oh, screw you for taking the credit for having motivated kids. We had motivated and unmotivated kids, high achievers and low achievers, and we neither took credit for their achievements nor blame for their failures. So get off your high horse.

My advice to the OP is that there are lots of unmotivated students out there in their early teens. Many will kick it up a notch, but some won't. And many, many, have lower grades than your daughter. If your child keeps a 3.0 to 3.5 and tests well enough she'll have plenty of good college options without any extracurricular activities. Truly only the very top colleges really care about that. I'd be very careful about sending her to a private college, though, because the risk is too high that she'll drop out.

My further advice is that if she doesn't want to get involved in any extracurriculars than don't make her. Insist she get a part-time job. The benefits to her self-esteem are just as good if not better than most ECs, and she'll feel good making money.

I am taking credit for having motivated kids? Where did you get that from? I had to sit with them to make them do their work. They have got into a habit of doing work now, because they know that the consequences are not great for not doing their work. If they could get away with being slackers even now, they would. We all would.

OP can either sit with her kid and have some standards for her or keep lamenting about lack of motivation. Her choice.

And considering your low reading comprehension and your low class potty-mouth - OP should be careful taking advice from you. Because your path leads to making french fries in McDonalds.

[Anonymous]

Try to find something she loves: a pet, painting, yoga, karate, walking outdoors, and make sure she has plenty of opportunity for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to find something she loves: a pet, painting, yoga, karate, walking outdoors, and make sure she has plenty of opportunity for that.

This is on the money. My DD, now a HS junior, didn't want to do much as a freshman. She went to classes and tried one or two activities, like Model UN, but didn't like them. She isn't sporty and just wasn't much of a joiner. It's gotten better as she's developed confidence in HS. Also, we learned she has a mild LD that was sapping a lot of energy from her -- just keeping up with classes was about all she could handle. Now she's getting help and developing more of a positive sense of self. Last year she decided to take guitar lessons and join the school chorus. This year she's in advanced chorus, still taking guitar, and is enthusiastic about a couple of her elective classes. Still not that interested in school clubs, but she wants a part-time job.

All this is obviously just my experience with my kid. Your child may be different, however, at least consider that not all kids are real "go getters", especially at the start of high school. I have two older children, and both of them belonged to a million activities while maintaining a 4.0 or higher GPA. This was not difficult for them and they did it with little prodding from me. DD is a different kid and I think it's important to let her develop on her own schedule, even if she doesn't get into a top Ivy.

[Anonymous]

Suggest to your DS that she " try" a few school clubs. Trying doesn't mean a yearlong commitment, just go to a meeting to see what it is all about. Once clubs are established, kids do not want to join so get in early at the first meeting (probably in Sept). Often, the school's website lists all the clubs and sports selection offered. Also, if your school posts the morning announcements, they can verify a clubs meeting date and time. Also, what are her friends doing? They can be a source too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids went through magnet programs in MCPS. And while they did great and continue to do great, I spent a lot of time with them ensuring that they do their work.

I realized that studying, doing homework etc. - is a matter of habit and discipline. These habits need to be formed and this discipline needs to be instilled.

What normal child will choose work (study) over play? So, it is important to set up a schedule and adhere to it. Lack of motivation and procrastination is normal and even the so-called high achieving child has to work through them.

Even as adults - if we were given an option not to do any work or chores - we will take it. It is only that we know that there are long term consequences of not doing the work that pushes us to tackle them. So, setting goals and schedules and adhering to it is how you get started. Motivation will build up over time when these efforts will bring success.

Oh, screw you for taking the credit for having motivated kids. We had motivated and unmotivated kids, high achievers and low achievers, and we neither took credit for their achievements nor blame for their failures. So get off your high horse.

My advice to the OP is that there are lots of unmotivated students out there in their early teens. Many will kick it up a notch, but some won't. And many, many, have lower grades than your daughter. If your child keeps a 3.0 to 3.5 and tests well enough she'll have plenty of good college options without any extracurricular activities. Truly only the very top colleges really care about that. I'd be very careful about sending her to a private college, though, because the risk is too high that she'll drop out.

My further advice is that if she doesn't want to get involved in any extracurriculars than don't make her. Insist she get a part-time job. The benefits to her self-esteem are just as good if not better than most ECs, and she'll feel good making money.

I am taking credit for having motivated kids? Where did you get that from? I had to sit with them to make them do their work. They have got into a habit of doing work now, because they know that the consequences are not great for not doing their work. If they could get away with being slackers even now, they would. We all would.

OP can either sit with her kid and have some standards for her or keep lamenting about lack of motivation. Her choice.

And considering your low reading comprehension and your low class potty-mouth - OP should be careful taking advice from you. Because your path leads to making french fries in McDonalds.

LMAO. I'm quite sure I make a lot more money that you . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am taking credit for having motivated kids? Where did you get that from? I had to sit with them to make them do their work. They have got into a habit of doing work now, because they know that the consequences are not great for not doing their work. If they could get away with being slackers even now, they would. We all would.

OP can either sit with her kid and have some standards for her or keep lamenting about lack of motivation. Her choice.

And considering your low reading comprehension and your low class potty-mouth - OP should be careful taking advice from you. Because your path leads to making french fries in McDonalds.

LMAO. I'm quite sure I make a lot more money that you . . .

Actually, the goal is to help kids build intrinsic motivation so that they want to do these things for their own reasons. While it's fine to get the ball rolling by structuring some consequences in the beginning, I promise you this won't work after a while. The kids who fall flat on their faces in college often turn out to have parents who sat with them, structured their work, and basically propped them up all throughout high school. When they hit college they are burnt out and have never learned what it is to do something for its own reward. No gold stars or no mom or dad taking away privileges? They cannot deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Phone and internet go away until she shapes up.

This. I take my child's phone away as soon as she gets in the house.

Take away phone and Internet until she gets a personality transplant?

Many of us have kids who don't do a stack of extra stuff or have great grades. Travel soccer really changes around HS, so if that was what she did, I can see her point and have lived through it with my kid, your daughter won't get I to the college you want for her, but she will get into the right place for her. Judge less, step back and take a longer perspective. Some people just can't cope with the level of human interaction required of pur teens these days. Just love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am taking credit for having motivated kids? Where did you get that from? I had to sit with them to make them do their work. They have got into a habit of doing work now, because they know that the consequences are not great for not doing their work. If they could get away with being slackers even now, they would. We all would.

OP can either sit with her kid and have some standards for her or keep lamenting about lack of motivation. Her choice.

And considering your low reading comprehension and your low class potty-mouth - OP should be careful taking advice from you. Because your path leads to making french fries in McDonalds.

LMAO. I'm quite sure I make a lot more money that you . . .

Actually, the goal is to help kids build intrinsic motivation so that they want to do these things for their own reasons. While it's fine to get the ball rolling by structuring some consequences in the beginning, I promise you this won't work after a while. The kids who fall flat on their faces in college often turn out to have parents who sat with them, structured their work, and basically propped them up all throughout high school. When they hit college they are burnt out and have never learned what it is to do something for its own reward. No gold stars or no mom or dad taking away privileges? They cannot deal.

+1 We learned this the hard way with DC #1. Kids have to learn to schedule and be responsible on their own. It w'ill backfire in a big way if they don't. Doing everything to please Mom and Dad will not help a kid to be motivated. A 3.0 - 3.5 GPA will lead her to the college she should be at and there are plenty of those. Read the Current Bethesda Magazine article on the College Admissions craze. Very eye opening.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 20's and growing up my mom said we needed to either get a job or be a part of one sport and one club. We didn't have a choice. I did swimming and yearbook. I highly recommend yearbook, I learned so much.

[Anonymous]

OP - I do agree that overall it is important for your daughter not to just have too much open time so give her some options. I would second the idea of volunteering, and since you mentioned CCD classes, how about suggesting she do something with the CCD program at your church either on Sunday or if classes are during the week? Also, besides extra-curricular at school, you might bring into view the idea of volunteering perhaps at the library, seeing if she is interested in trying something entirely new with no pressure "t perform" such as private instrument lesson, art lessons etc. Another path is the idea of learning CPR/Basic First Aide and getting the word out she is able to sit - starting out as she is comfortable at least once on a weekend. If you worry about her fitness and time management, would membership - perhaps a family one in a gym be of interest.

If all else fails in offerings, then with a smile say, why great then you will definitely have the time to learn to cook and prepare dinner one or two nights a week for you and DH. She can also learn to take on tasks such as her laundry, cleaning her room etc. The important thing is not too push too hard, but give her a range of choices and tell her yes in your home it is not acceptable for a teen to just "veg out" all the time.

[Anonymous]

My 3.0 student is at a top 20 college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just started 9th grade. She does ok in school, not great and would likely struggle with any type of AP classes.
She dropped playing soccer this year.
She has no extracurricular activities after school. Tried to convince to try crew but not interested.

Anyone else have any experience with unmotivated teens? She will likely already have a tough time getting into a good college with a likely 3.0-3.5 grade point with nothing else to add to her resume.

It's the second week of school, at the most. Adjusting to HS is a huge transition for kids. Give her a little space, and let her discover what she likes and is interested in in her new environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3.0 student is at a top 20 college.

name the college.