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Am I the only one?
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Anonymous
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There's just not enough time and energy (and money) to do everything. I'm a WOHM and I took a job that gave me the shortest possible work day, though the commute could be shorter and the salary sucks. Every day I'm rushing to get through daycare dropoff and commute, rushing through my day (and sometimes my workout) and rushing to get home so I can see my adored 6-mo old daughter for a whopping two hours before she goes to bed. I hate to cook while she's awake because that's time I'm not really interacting with her, so I either end up with takeout or some sort of gross microwave meal. I rarely get to the gym during the week anymore because that's time away from her. By the time she falls asleep, I am usually so drained that I have energy for no more than zoning out in front of the TV. Consequently, my house is always a little cluttered, there's usually at least one laundry basket with clothes that need to be folded, and I go a little too long without vacuuming or cleaning bathrooms. I'm a single mom, so I haven't had s*x in over a year, and decided recently that dating's just not in the cards because I'd be taking time away from her or paying $15/hour for a babysitter to watch my cable while she sleeps.
I'm trying to figure out how to solve this problem, but unfortunately the only way I see things getting better is if I take a more demanding job that pays a lot better. Then I could afford a closer-in house with a shorter commute, and maybe a weekly maid... but I'd probably see less of my daughter. It's a catch-22. |
Anonymous
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Your post made me feel bad about my DH, because I realized I made time to get two of the three things done and those were exercise and cleaning. Poor DH.
Honestly, I don't have the energy, I just make myself do them. But I have also re-defined what these things mean. Pre-kid, exercise meant a rigourous workout. Post-kid it means anything that gets my body moving for 30 minute. A brisk walk, an easy exercise video, etc. I find that even when I feel totally exhausted, exercise usually makes me feel better as long as I don't try to be superwoman and overdo it. Could you take a brisk walk during lunch at work? Housework - I have no choice. If I don't do it, it won't get done. But I am lucky and work part-time (which is why we can't afford help). I just break it up into small chores, and aim for the house not to be embarressing. And it gets MUCH easier as your child gets older. My son "helps" me dust and clean the bathrooms. He's 2.5. 10 months is a time-consuming age. They no longer sit still but also can't be trusted for a second. It gets much, much easier. I found what improved my ability to get things done was eating with my child, and then doing any chores that need to be done immediately after I put my child to bed. If I sit down - forget about it - I won't get back up. I also write down and plan out what I need to do, so I don't waste anytime trying to remember (sad isn't it). It also helps the motivation - you get to check things off and you can tell yourself "only 2 more things and I can sit down" |
Anonymous
My kids are 5 and 2 and I'm still in the same boat as the OP. When I had the luxury of working a reduced schedule (30 hours/wk) for one year I realized how much a difference a few extra daylight hours at home could make. By getting home at a reasonable time I could run a load of laundry, put a meal on the table, play with the kids and not feel exhausted at the end of the day. Unfortunately, that was a temporary thing and I'm back to the FT grind with the ridiculous commute that gets me home at 6:30 on a good night. Most nights my house looks like a train wreck (and I say nights as opposed to days b/c I rarely spend any time at home during daylight -- how sad). I try to slowly tidy up over the course of the weekend and reestablish a semblance of order by late Sunday night so that we can start the week off on a positive note. And here's the kicker: DH wants to have another child  I'm inclined, so I guess we'll just keep adding to the chaos and clutter. On a positive note, I'll get a 16 week baby vacation, right?
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Anonymous
| Totally with you, OP. You are not alone at all. I must say that I am trying to do a better job with DH, though. Intellectually, I know that life will go on even if dinner doesn't get made and the house doesn't get cleaned, but that a very long term "dry spell" is bad for the relationship, and yet in my actions, I prioritize the relationship piece lower (I always take the initiative on laundry and cleaning, almost never do on the sex front). |
Anonymous
| I see a lot of women are struggling with the sex aspect (like many of us). Anyone successfully overcome this? One of the PPs said that she could not imagine the concept (that she now feels) about really just not wanting to be touched at the end of the day after being pulled on, touched, etc. all day. This is exactly how I feel and I'm really struggling with this. I know poor DH is feeling neglected. I feel bad about that but, honestly, I just can't get into it right now. Ideas? |
Anonymous
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I'm with you guys and looking forward to hear what other say. I feel so guilty about not being a better wife, but after working 10 hour days and taking care of the needs of my 2 young children, I just don't have anything left for him (or me).
I keep thinking that I need to (1) carve out time for me to exercise so I'll feel better about myself, which hopefully will lead to (2) spending more quality time with husband. |
Anonymous
| In terms of finding time for sex, DH and I have carved out weekend nap time for our time. We will do anything to have our two DS (2.5 and 4.5) nap at the same time. I am the same as the rest of you -- after a whole day of work and kids I can not think of sex. But at least knowing that we will have time together one or two times over the weekend helps us both. It is temporary, as I am sure our older son will give us his nap any day, and I'm not sure what we'll do then. And, of course, that means the laundry doesn't get done and the house doesn't get clean during that time .... |
Anonymous
I don't know how you single moms do it. It is really admirable though!!! Every time I read a post like this I vow to stop nagging my husband for the stuff he doesn't do! Can you make and freeze some big batches of easy, healthy things on the weekend you don't have to do a microwave meal or take-out? My house is the same way - I have stopped worrying about it. There will be time to clean when the kids are grown. Life is too short to worry about clutter and clean bathrooms... Maybe you can find a job that pays more but gives you some flexibility (like telecommuting)? |
Anonymous
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Suggestions for exercise that dont cut into kid time:
Exercise 2x on weekends and 2x during the week. Aim for 4x total and if you end up doing 3x then that's ok. 1) For weekend: Use a jogging stroller. You can get a used one on Craigslist, single or double, for less than $200. Go for walks/runs with the kid(s). They LOVE it. If you get a good Bob SUV kind you can go run around Rock Creek Park on grass and gravel and sand. So fun. AND SO HARD. You only need to walk fast/jog for 30 min and you will be sweating your butt off. And it's quality time with the kids, too. 2) Exercise in the morning before work. Have your DH do the morning routine 2x week. That's fair. You use elliptical for 30 min. Go fast and hard for 20 of those minutes. You will see a diff 3) Exercise at lunch time and then bring 45 min of work home to do in the morning (get up early) or (if you bus/metro) on the commute. My old company got SO much more out of me in the afternoons because i would exercise at lunch. Just 30 min. And so what if you are disheveled afterwards. People will think you're a badass for exercising. |
Anonymous
| I've decided the only way to make this better (outside of winning the lottery) is to move to a smaller town/city. Less commuting, lower cost of living, VOILA! Sadly, DH seems to thrive in the rat race. I have a relatively "high-powered" job and grad school debt to show for it, but really think I'd be happy working at a store somewhere and actually having a life and seeing my kids. I wondered often if we've all deluded ourselves into thinking this is OK just b/c there are so many of us doing it. |
Anonymous
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seriously, PP.
I fantasize about moving to some small college town. Getting a job as at a cafe or bookstore or daycare center. Getting a big fab house for half the price as what we have here. SEEING my husband occasionally (let alone having sex with him). In Australia, Canada and other countries where the tax is higher and the maternity leave/vacations longer they DO have a better quality of life. Less ga-gillionaires but more happy people. Ive lived in both. We work our asses off here just to afford to live here. Who actually goes to the museums regularly? We dont even eat out in all the great new restaurants around. Such a bummer. |
Anonymous
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I feel better now. I am a single mom and I thought it was just me My days are either exhausting or merely tiring. It is rare when I have a day which doesn't start out w/ me being tired. I do the best I can to keep up w/ the chores but somedays I leave the dirty dishes in the sink and veg out. My house is never clean all at the same time. One weekend I vacuum the whole place. The next weekend I dust the whole place and clean the bathroom. You get the picture. I just keep doing the best I can and nobody has ever had the nerve to say "This is the best you can do?" If they did, they are off the XMAS card list!
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