Approaching low drive spouse...

[Anonymous]

Wow. This stuff is sad. I feel for you. Just awful.

[Anonymous]

That is a tough situation. Do you think you can tell him how you feel? When you talk to him, you can approach it as a problem you have, "lack of intimacy with him" and tell him how that makes you feel. Don't treat it as his issue, but yours. Then ask him what the two of you can do about that. See what his suggestions are, follow them, let him take the lead and be the fixer.

I know with my husband, I would put together an evening of things that he loves and that leads to a better emotional connection and other things as well. Sometimes it takes more intentional choices and actions to have a thriving relationships. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry I'm asking so many questions. I think I'm personally hitting a rock bottom with this issue, and it's so personal I don't have anyone to talk to about this. This isn't normal, right? I do understand that "normal" is what works for both parties....but shouldn't a healthy adult male have a greater sex drive? I've spent so much time trying to convince myself this situation is doable, I need to see things from different perspectives, appreciate what I have, etc. that I feel like my perspective is skewed. I am attractive, fit, carry more than my share of the load, am generally happy and accommodations. Always trying to figure out if there are ways I can change things for the better. Just feeling confused, I guess.

Really, there is no "normal." You have to be happy with your relationship and not worry about comparing yourself to others. Some people don't have a high sex drive, but this does not mean you should not have other intimacy and togetherness.

[Anonymous]

This really really sucks, and I feel for you. But look on the bright side: if you were a DH and posting the same thing on DCUM, you'd also have to deal with a steady stream of commenters telling you what a terrible person you are.

[Anonymous]

He needs bis testosterone checked ASAP. My DH was the same and his number was the very bottom of the range. Two weeks of daily dream and it he was New man. He touches Me constantly and wants sex at least three times a week now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same issue in my marriage. I went on AM. He knows and now it looks like our kids and family will, too, but instead of going with the "he won't fuck me" line we are going with the "we checked it out together one night out of curiosity line. There is nothing like the hurt of someone you adore rejecting you intimately. I am so sorry. My DH has tried hormones, antidepressants, etcetera. Doc says age and weight. It isn't an erection issue, just lack of desire. Sucks. I empathize OP.

Did you go on AM with DH's permission? Was it a don't ask don't tell thing or did you just take matters into your own hands without getting a head nod?

I asked for a hall pass and offered him one which he accepted but says he never used. I used it. Method didn't come up until later.

[Anonymous]

There will be no getting around it, if you really feel the need to address the testosterone issue, you will just have to.

I know a few men who have this issue and it CAN be treated medically. There should be not an ounce of shame in doing so since it doesn't make one any less of a man.

If your husband refuses (many men won't see a Dr. unless they are having a heart attack), then since you won't disrupt your family your only option is to accept this as your marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you think it might be a medical issue, and he's due for a physical soon, you could contact his doctor and say you want him or her to bring it up during the appointment. Tell his doctor you're not comfortable suggesting it to your husband but you think it needs to be checked.

His doctor won't tell you anything, but he or she should listen to your concerns and act on them. It's even easier if you both go to the same doctor and you have a relationship with him or her already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This really really sucks, and I feel for you. But look on the bright side: if you were a DH and posting the same thing on DCUM, you'd also have to deal with a steady stream of commenters telling you what a terrible person you are.

Yep, that's about right. That steady stream of bashers can be found in the current LL spouse thread, below. It really is all quite sad.

[Anonymous]

Another undersexed DW here. I feel your pain, OP. Therapy has not changed much in this department...except that I am able to accept it more now than before.

[Anonymous]

This blog has some good advice: http://lowtwife.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry I'm asking so many questions. I think I'm personally hitting a rock bottom with this issue, and it's so personal I don't have anyone to talk to about this. This isn't normal, right? I do understand that "normal" is what works for both parties....but shouldn't a healthy adult male have a greater sex drive? I've spent so much time trying to convince myself this situation is doable, I need to see things from different perspectives, appreciate what I have, etc. that I feel like my perspective is skewed. I am attractive, fit, carry more than my share of the load, am generally happy and accommodations. Always trying to figure out if there are ways I can change things for the better. Just feeling confused, I guess.

You sure he's not looking at porn and jerking off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry I'm asking so many questions. I think I'm personally hitting a rock bottom with this issue, and it's so personal I don't have anyone to talk to about this. This isn't normal, right? I do understand that "normal" is what works for both parties....but shouldn't a healthy adult male have a greater sex drive? I've spent so much time trying to convince myself this situation is doable, I need to see things from different perspectives, appreciate what I have, etc. that I feel like my perspective is skewed. I am attractive, fit, carry more than my share of the load, am generally happy and accommodations. Always trying to figure out if there are ways I can change things for the better. Just feeling confused, I guess.

You sure he's not looking at porn and jerking off?

-edit signed, mid 40's DH who looks at porn and jerks off. Mid 40's DW's libido used to be low but is now amping up so I have to back way off the personal fun time to be able to perform.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This blog has some good advice: http://lowtwife.com

Oh, I'm a bit familiar with that author. She is active over at Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life."