reality check - do your DCs grandparents seek to create 'just us' time at expense of family time?

Anonymous
My MIL tried this and the harder she pushed the most distant and reluctant DH and I became and took DS "with" us. Its kind of like the rubber band analogy in "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus". When a boyfriend moves away from you, move away from him too and eventually the distance will snap him back. I really wanted to tell her that or give her the passage to read but it would be too passive-aggressive I think.

DH and I both realized she was trying to re-live or even re-do her relationship with DH. She was a young, divorced mom with him, didn't have much money or sophistication but when we had DS, she did finally have all those things and was trying wayyyyy too hard. She constantly said DS was "just like DH as a child" (I certainly had no genetic relevance). DH kept telling her our DS was his own person, not a carbon copy of him. That helped a bit, I think, and the rubber band thing also ended up happening naturally anyway. We are in a much better palce with her now.
Anonymous
These people sound a little crazy to me. Get it under control NOW -- this is YOUR child and you should not allow anyway to make you uncomfortable with your decisions. FWITW, we do not let DS sleep anywhere. He has a bed at home and we feel best when he is in it and not elsewhere. And as far as a trip -- not a chance that will happen.
Anonymous
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. The undermining and manipulation is VERY disturbing. I would confront this directly and would frankly not want to leave my child alone with these people. I say this not just as a mom, but as a psychologist.
Anonymous
I grew up 10min from my mom's parents and 90min from my dad's. I treasure the times I had with all of them -- from the countless overnights at the nearby grandparents, to the one and two week stays alone with my dad's parents during the summer. I hope my future children have the same amazing bond with my parents and MIL. I got presents from "Santa" at their houses, but always knew they were from my grandparents. And the Easter basket at their house was also from them and not the big Bunny.

I don't know if they argued with or pushed my parents, but if they did it wasn't visible to me. Sure, both sets spoiled me and rules were slightly different at each house than at my own (heck, aren't grandparents supposed to spoil their grandkids a little bit!?), but my parents were never undermined or criticized in any way in front of me. My point being, I think alone time can be an life-changing and beautiful experience for the lucky grandchildren. BUT, you've got your work cut out for you in establishing boundaries to let that be a gift to the kids and not another reason for battles between parents and grandparents.

I don't really have advice. Just wanted to share and wish you luck.
Anonymous
11:47 here. I'm not disputing what 12:21 says, i.e. that time alone with grandparents can be terrific for kids. But I would argue that the manipulation involved here, the "maybe someday your parents will allow you to . . ." and the making you the bad guy, is absolutely unacceptable. (And I doubt these manipulative behaviors manifest themselves only in regard to time alone with the grandchild.) I would draw firm lines here.
Anonymous
OP, I think the issue is boundaries, as others have said. Some people have pointed out that some of these issues are perhaps kind of innocuous, such as leaving kids iwth grandma for an overnight or letting Santa visit multiple houses. Given the fact that you're not being a stickler over one or two issues, but rather have a laundry list of legitimate overstepping incidents, it is completely understandable that you're not eager to accomodate the grandparents.

i only have a kid on the way, but DH and I have already talked about some of our likely boundaries. We actually talked about Santa, believe it or not. I had divorced parents growing up, so Santa used to not only stop by mom's and dad's house, he'd also make a stop at my Grandma's house. So I don't necessarily have a problem with this and I will encourage my in-laws and parents to do the same thing. But Santa sometimes has to be reminded not to outdo the Santa at our house. One big gift and a stocking or a few smaller gifts are okay, 500 dollars worth of presents under the tree when we can't afford to do the same is not okay. Likewise, when we have kids, I imagine we will leave them with my MIL (but not my own mom -- no way) if we want to take a vacation. But only when we are ready -- not when they suggest. I wouldn't think we would allow our parents to take our young children to Europe without us, but it may be the case, as the kids grew older, that we'd allow such a trip if we were included but for some reason could not go. I would NOT feel comfortable, however, if we were intentionally excluded. That is just weird, OP!

None of this sounds healthy to me, and I think you're within your rights to sit the in-laws down and tell them so. Ask them directly why they don't want to spend more time with all three generations. Tell them that you're glad to have Santa bring one or two gifts to the house but no more (if this is ok with you. or if not, put your foot down!) And the most important thing, you (or maybe DH) must tell them in no uncertain terms that the kind of "maybe NEXT time your mean parents will let us take you to Portugal" must stop. Enforce this. If it keeps happening, tell them that they are putting their relationship with the kids in jeopardy because you will not tolerate it.

Good luck to you. They sound very needy and manipulative. Hopefully it is all just their way of trying to love the grandkids, and hopefully you can redirect it into something more positive for your whole family.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:they plot with DC (6.5 yrs) to do stuff together and if we say no, then DH and I are the bad guys. Then they keep bringing it up! -- well maybe SOMEday Mommy will let you come to Portugal with us. I wish we could go to France together but I guess it's not time yet, sigh.


THAT is not cool. I have that on a smaller scale -- if my MIL tells my daughter one more time to "ask Daddy for a pony," "maybe mommy and daddy will get you a pony THIS year," "oh, poor Janie, no pony for you? Daddy won't get you a pony?" etc, I might slap her. (I mean: DD has no interest in ponies aside from wondering why Grandma is always talking about them; we couldn't begin to afford a pony; we live in the city, where are we going to PUT a pony even if we COULD pay for one?) I have said things like, "Silly Grandma, she is always talking about ponies, isn't she? I think SHE wants a pony! Maybe someday SHE can get a pony!" and that seems to make sense to DD... I am hoping MIL will knock it off as DD gets older, but in your shoes, I think I would call MIL on that divisive behavior -- come on, "Mommy" is not the bad guy for rejecting the Portugal idea. Would your husband tell them exactly that? "It's not good for Johnny to hear you make Mommy the bad guy. She and I agree that Portugal is not a good idea right now, and we'd like you not to talk about it any more in front of Johnny. Thanks for the offer. We'll let you know when we're ready for him to take a trip like that."
Anonymous
OP, my inlaws are crazy controlling this way too. They want to be ALONE with DS. They look for ways to do that.

DH and I talked about this for years. We finally came to the conclusion that his parents are very emotionally needy people. FIL is an only child. MIL has a completely dysfunctional family. Each one envisioned a large family of children and grandchildren to help them 'heal' perhaps.

Their emotional neediness is crippling to us. I will never leave DS alone with them. I can only imagine how suffocating it might become to DS too then.

Be strong and set those boundaries...clearly. Get DH to support you on this.
Anonymous
OP, do you have BIL or SIL who have established another pattern with the grandparents where those grandchildren are spending lots of time with the grandparents? So now they expect the same of you? I had this issue, because my SIL will take whatever she can get from anyone and anywhere and it included constant babysitting by my ILs. It was for weeks in the summer while they worked or long weekends while they travelled, and many evenings while they went out. It became very annoying because when we had our kids, my ILs expected us to hand over the kids and we were not comfortable with it. There was constant, purposeful, disrespectful nagging for sleepovers, coming over while we left for errand, etc. I finally had to put my foot down and tell them not to expect this as we are not doing this with the other grandparents either.

I, like another previous poster, never had alone time with my grandparents so I don't understand the pressure I got from my ILs. Now I simply don't let it get to me. These are our kids and we do not need to submit to handing them over to anyone without our presence.

Also, my MIL undermines me by getting my DD gifts that I expected to buy her at later stages -- beating me to the punch. She has bought (one or two years earlier than appropriate) classic books/movies, jewelry boxes, ceramic tea sets, special jewelry, etc. This behavior is really aggravating me to the point where I take the stuff and put it away right after we get it.

It is hard too because, my husband and I are really close and this is the only topic that I stay away from with him. He does not know how much my ILs aggravate me.
Anonymous
I posted earlier, but the poster at 1:41 is spot-on. My ILs are controlling and manipulative because their childhoods were so screwed up. My FIL grew up in foster care after his father abandoned his mother for an underage girl. FIL is attempting to create the family that he never had - but it is all about him, and not about his children or grandchildren. My MIL will do whatever she can to support his demands in that - even though it makes her the guilt-tripping heavy. She undoubtedly learned to be so co-dependent because of her alcoholic mother.

I love my FIL, I have a great deal of sympathy for him, and I recognize that he has built an amazing life from a terrible start. My MIL is a lovely person who is very accomplished at my things. But it is not my children's job to fill their seemingly endless emotional needs.
Anonymous
OP I hear you. Same problems here. My MIL buys their christmas and easter outfits (I tell her repeatedly not to, because I like to do that, and she gets offended. I have started just telling her I already got their xmas outfits, they can wear this another time or you can return it for playclothes. She actually SECRETLY TOOK DS1 to see santa for the FIRST time without us. She encouraged us to go out to dinner, said she would watch him, then took him to the mall to see Santa for the first time and got us some pictures. I have never forgiven her and now I barely let her take them anywhere at all.
Anonymous
You dont say which grandparents you are talking about but I suspect in-laws. If it were your parents you would prob just discuss it...
Sounds like the in-laws are threatened by you for some reason (probably unjustified) and are not team players; have to be in charge and see you as a threat. You MIL obviously has some issue with her son where she sees you as stealing him away.
Thats my Mr Phil moment.
Forum Index » Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
Go to: