My parents are moving here and I am freaking out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just need to step up and stand up to them.

My parents recently moved nearby with the same setup. It's their vacation home and they come for a month at a time. It's really awesome. I don't have to see them daily, but we still have lots of fun, they can babysit. I see them daily, but DH is busier and sees them mostly on weekends. They cook dinner for us every Monday and we love it.

Did you read the op? Op's parents aren't awesome like yours. Posters who don't have malignant family members never get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny...my parents are moving away from here and I'm kinda freaking out too. Having local parents is SO helpful when you have little kids. Take advantage of the fact they can babysit and enjoy the alone time. Or send them to my house.....

Clearly you have little experience with dysfunctional family. Op has made it clear that her family is overbearing to the point she has avoided them. I bet she would be happy to send them to you if only they would go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just need to step up and stand up to them.

My parents recently moved nearby with the same setup. It's their vacation home and they come for a month at a time. It's really awesome. I don't have to see them daily, but we still have lots of fun, they can babysit. I see them daily, but DH is busier and sees them mostly on weekends. They cook dinner for us every Monday and we love it.

Did you read the op? Op's parents aren't awesome like yours. Posters who don't have malignant family members never get it.

They can't be all that "malignant" if OP was already seeing them five times a year before she had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just need to step up and stand up to them.

My parents recently moved nearby with the same setup. It's their vacation home and they come for a month at a time. It's really awesome. I don't have to see them daily, but we still have lots of fun, they can babysit. I see them daily, but DH is busier and sees them mostly on weekends. They cook dinner for us every Monday and we love it.

Did you read the op? Op's parents aren't awesome like yours. Posters who don't have malignant family members never get it.

They can't be all that "malignant" if OP was already seeing them five times a year before she had kids.

This part didn't really line up for me either. In some ways, it might be easier for OP as now, even though the visits are maybe longer or more frequent, they aren't under the same roof. That distance might help OP? Obviously OP has figured out SOME kind of dynamic that works or the visits wouldn't continue every 4-6 weeks now right? So I don't think to say that they are totally dysfunctional the way that many posters might be projecting is entirely accurate either.

This is a side question and totally serious, not for snark, but when a person is in therapy "for years" regarding the same relationship and issue as OP contended, what is the point after a while? Therapy is intended to be an ongoing process but not really a never-ending one for the same set of issues. Good therapists are there to sort of put themselves "out of a job" eventually, helping with coping mechanisms for the future, no?

[Anonymous]

Never answer the phone when it's them calling. Text back in few hours after you have checked the voicemail. Use email heavily. Decline most if not all invitations. Set up dinners at their house once every two weeks and scoot right after dinner. Whenever they come over, order pizza. Never committ to any invitations. We'll see, check my calendar, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, they treat you like a child because you act like one. So what if they move close to you. It's a free country. Grow up already for christ sake. If they do something you don't like tell them to stop or leave. Get a thicker skin. If they keep coming over make them do work. "Mom, so nice of you to drop by. Here's a mop. Wash the kitchen floor for me. I'll be back in a half hour."

You don't understand what it's like to have overbearing parents. You feel guilty because you know they love you and are trying to "be there" for you, but you also don't like their approach, and they make you feel guilty about it. It's not a matter of how YOU act but how they treat you. No matter how you act, they are likely to see it as a case of you being immature and needing their help -- whether you stand up to them (you're being immature by "acting out") or let them treat you like a child (you obviously "need" to be treated this way).

OP, I feel for you. I would make it very clear to them that you aren't comfortable with the idea of them getting an apartment and visiting this often. Go talk with a therapist if you need help confronting them on this. I know it will not be easy. But you need to be upfront and tell them ahead of time that you aren't comfortable with this decision. Tell them that they should consult with you before making such a big decision, especially since it seems like their assumption is that they are expecting you to spend most of the week they are in town with them every single month.

Tell them that you want them to be in your lives but that you're very busy and that you think it would work out better if you continued to see them according to your original arrangements. Say you think it would be tough on the kids to have them there so often and then leave again or something -- if you feel like you want to use an excuse like this.

If they go ahead with it anyway, make it clear that you do not support this and that you cannot guarantee that you will be available during that week each month. They need to know that you will not drop everything to spend a week with them every month. Perhaps you'll have to travel for work that week, or the kids will have after-school activities or camp or whatever.

Set serious boundaries and stick with them if they do move here. They need to call and arrange with you ahead of time for get-togethers. They cannot drop by unannounced. They will not get a key. Maybe make some specific things for them to do -- like pick up your kids from school/daycare that week or something.