Grandparent an unsafe driver

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call DMV and report him. That is what we did and they sent a letter asking my MIL to come to the DMV for a driver's test. She decided to surrender her license instead.

He's not incapable of driving safely. He'll pass a test no problem when his license is on the line. If I'm in the car and I say, "will you pay attention please," he'll be somewhat better for the remainder of the drive. So that would just be a passive aggressive move when I'd rather have an upfront conversation with him about why I don't want him driving the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP - I wonder how you can really leave your kids with your parents unless you can trust 100% that your Dad will not drive your kids once the request is made. Our oldest grandchildren are six year old twin girls who do not behave well with their parents in their own car driving, and I am not comfortable yet taking the two of them out in the car on my own where we live. In this case it is due to their behavior, and I can tell you if they were my kids they would have learned to follow the rules a long time ago, but they are not.
Thus, my husband usually drives them when we are out, though one alone will probably be fine this summer. What I would say then is to squarely tell your Dad that you have reservations about his driving AND that couple with that view and how your young children might just be distracting to him, you do not want him to drive. Tell him - if it is true - that your Mother is just a lot more used to being around the kids and does better with them when and if they must be drive some place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I wonder how you can really leave your kids with your parents unless you can trust 100% that your Dad will not drive your kids once the request is made. Our oldest grandchildren are six year old twin girls who do not behave well with their parents in their own car driving, and I am not comfortable yet taking the two of them out in the car on my own where we live. In this case it is due to their behavior, and I can tell you if they were my kids they would have learned to follow the rules a long time ago, but they are not.
Thus, my husband usually drives them when we are out, though one alone will probably be fine this summer. What I would say then is to squarely tell your Dad that you have reservations about his driving AND that couple with that view and how your young children might just be distracting to him, you do not want him to drive. Tell him - if it is true - that your Mother is just a lot more used to being around the kids and does better with them when and if they must be drive some place.

OP here. I'm sorry you're having this issue but it has nothing to do with my problem. My parents are perfectly capable of watching the kids and my dad wouldn't drive them once I ask him not to. He's not distracted by the kids in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I wonder how you can really leave your kids with your parents unless you can trust 100% that your Dad will not drive your kids once the request is made. Our oldest grandchildren are six year old twin girls who do not behave well with their parents in their own car driving, and I am not comfortable yet taking the two of them out in the car on my own where we live. In this case it is due to their behavior, and I can tell you if they were my kids they would have learned to follow the rules a long time ago, but they are not.
Thus, my husband usually drives them when we are out, though one alone will probably be fine this summer. What I would say then is to squarely tell your Dad that you have reservations about his driving AND that couple with that view and how your young children might just be distracting to him, you do not want him to drive. Tell him - if it is true - that your Mother is just a lot more used to being around the kids and does better with them when and if they must be drive some place.

OP here. I'm sorry you're having this issue but it has nothing to do with my problem. My parents are perfectly capable of watching the kids and my dad wouldn't drive them once I ask him not to. He's not distracted by the kids in the car.

OP, I'm curious why you say here that your dad "wouldn't drive them once I ask him not to."

In an earlier post you characterized your dad with this: "I hope my talking with him about it does send him a message, but given (as I said) that he's already been pulled over by a police officer and admonished for driving aggressively, it probably won't."

Why do you now think you can trust him if you simply ask him not to drive the kids, when earlier, you said he won't get the message? I'm pointing out the discrepancy because it seems you want to be able to, as you put it in another post, just "have an upfront conversation with him" and then all will be well and he will agree with you. But he didn't change after being pulled over, he only changes temporarily if you're right there IN the car pointing out that he's not paying attention, etc. So why hold out hope that a conversation with you will make him agree this time?

I'd be concerned that even if he says yes when you're present -- when the time comes to take the kids somewhere, he might feel he needs to prove a point, so he can say to you later, "Look, I drove the kids X times while you weren't around and they're fine." Maybe he's not like that, but telling him not to drive the kids is frankly going to be a blow to his ego in a big way. Can you fully trust that he wouldn't try to drive them just to show you he's right?

And since mom says he's a bad driver but finds if funny.... it sounds like she does not really have your back here. Would she truly fight him on it if they're going out and he's he's there already behind the wheel saying, "Get in or we'll be late, and I"m driving us all!"

You asked for how to word it. The only words are, I'm arranging this trip so you don't have to drive the kids anywhere on the days I can't be around.

You ARE right to want to ban him from driving your kids. My FIL was the same type of driver, only not aggressive--just inattentive and sloppy. Fortunately he gave up driving pretty young for medical reasons which relieved us all, and it happened before we had kids so there wasn't the issue of his ever driving the children. But I do get your desire to ban dad from driving the kids. Stick to it but be ready for him to get angry and plan how you will respond to his anger and his denial that he has issues with his driving. In his mind, it's going to be like you're telling him he's getting too old to drive -- even though that is not the case and not what you're actually saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I wonder how you can really leave your kids with your parents unless you can trust 100% that your Dad will not drive your kids once the request is made. Our oldest grandchildren are six year old twin girls who do not behave well with their parents in their own car driving, and I am not comfortable yet taking the two of them out in the car on my own where we live. In this case it is due to their behavior, and I can tell you if they were my kids they would have learned to follow the rules a long time ago, but they are not.
Thus, my husband usually drives them when we are out, though one alone will probably be fine this summer. What I would say then is to squarely tell your Dad that you have reservations about his driving AND that couple with that view and how your young children might just be distracting to him, you do not want him to drive. Tell him - if it is true - that your Mother is just a lot more used to being around the kids and does better with them when and if they must be drive some place.

OP here. I'm sorry you're having this issue but it has nothing to do with my problem. My parents are perfectly capable of watching the kids and my dad wouldn't drive them once I ask him not to. He's not distracted by the kids in the car.

OP, I'm curious why you say here that your dad "wouldn't drive them once I ask him not to."

In an earlier post you characterized your dad with this: "I hope my talking with him about it does send him a message, but given (as I said) that he's already been pulled over by a police officer and admonished for driving aggressively, it probably won't."

Why do you now think you can trust him if you simply ask him not to drive the kids, when earlier, you said he won't get the message? I'm pointing out the discrepancy because it seems you want to be able to, as you put it in another post, just "have an upfront conversation with him" and then all will be well and he will agree with you. But he didn't change after being pulled over, he only changes temporarily if you're right there IN the car pointing out that he's not paying attention, etc. So why hold out hope that a conversation with you will make him agree this time?

I'd be concerned that even if he says yes when you're present -- when the time comes to take the kids somewhere, he might feel he needs to prove a point, so he can say to you later, "Look, I drove the kids X times while you weren't around and they're fine." Maybe he's not like that, but telling him not to drive the kids is frankly going to be a blow to his ego in a big way. Can you fully trust that he wouldn't try to drive them just to show you he's right?

And since mom says he's a bad driver but finds if funny.... it sounds like she does not really have your back here. Would she truly fight him on it if they're going out and he's he's there already behind the wheel saying, "Get in or we'll be late, and I"m driving us all!"

You asked for how to word it. The only words are, I'm arranging this trip so you don't have to drive the kids anywhere on the days I can't be around.

You ARE right to want to ban him from driving your kids. My FIL was the same type of driver, only not aggressive--just inattentive and sloppy. Fortunately he gave up driving pretty young for medical reasons which relieved us all, and it happened before we had kids so there wasn't the issue of his ever driving the children. But I do get your desire to ban dad from driving the kids. Stick to it but be ready for him to get angry and plan how you will respond to his anger and his denial that he has issues with his driving. In his mind, it's going to be like you're telling him he's getting too old to drive -- even though that is not the case and not what you're actually saying.

When I said I hoped it sent him a message, I meant that maybe he would try to not drive so aggressively and pay better attention. I'm thinking about how he drives himself and my mother in the future. That sentence had nothing to do with him driving my kids. When I tell him I don't want him driving the kids, he won't drive the kids. My dad would follow my wishes when it comes to this, I have zero doubt, as he would follow them with almost anything else. I don't know why everyone keeps reading into my posts that he's just going to go out and do whatever he wants. He won't. That's just not his personality.