Is this considered molestation by a family member?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everyone. OP here. No I haven't spoken with him about it, but we rarely see each other as he lives across country. When we do see each other I can tell he remembers and feels the shame and remorse even without saying it. It's one of those unspoken looks that we exchange if that makes any sense. I don't think exposing it to the family or talking with him about it in a formal way will make things any better for me... it would probably cause a huge rift in the family actually. My parents were great parents and did the best they could. I'm sure they would feel extremely guilty for not knowing or not being able to protect me, and it's really not their fault, so I don't want them to have to carry that burden as well. To the other question -- yes he has several kids who are all loved by all of us. I think you're right, had it gone beyond the fondling and kissing I might have felt more traumatized.

PP here 16:44 on 5/6/15

If you are correct about your brother remembering and feeling of shame then perhaps you might want to broach the subject simply and directly. Forgiveness, even though you might not feel it necessary from your standpoint, might be an awesome lifting of his burden and I think it just might help bring this to a conclusion for you.

If this is something you might want to explore let us know.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in a similar situation. I've never mentioned anything to my parents or spoken to my brother out loud about it. They were barely functional as parents and I couldn't imagine burdening them with anything more than they already had on their plates - our fragile peace in our house was too, too precarious. And now, it seems like such old news. My brother has never expressed any remorse or the shame yours seems to, but he's turned into a halfway decent person who I rarely see and so I don't really see any benefit to raising the issue. I don't get any sense that he's predatory beyond what happened when he was an adolescent. We had a really troubled home. I'm not excusing what he did - it damaged me - but I'm still in sort of "minimize the damage" mode in my mid-40's. Not sure what good can come of dredging it all up again.

[Anonymous]

At his age yes. If he was like, 6 or something and maybe didn't know better it would be a little different.

Someone probably molested him too, though .

[Anonymous]

Yes, that was molesting.

While I understand that you have great feelings of shame, therapy with him could actually help you heal and finally get answers. Secrets fester. I also agree with another poster that his children could be at risk if he has not worked through his own issues.

[Anonymous]

OP and the other who was in a similar situation, do your spouses know? I think it would be harder for my spouse than for myself, if I were you, as you both seem very stable regarding the situation.

[Anonymous]

I think you should find a qualified therapist and talk this through.
There may be consequences in your life that you do not realize. Or, not.
I had something similar going on and it was just part of a dysfunctional family situation that I really did not appreciate or understand until I started looking at it objectively, since it was all "normal" to me.
In any case, before even thinking about bringing it up with your sibling, you'd want to know your own personal reason for doing that and prepare for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a 11-year old boy inappropriately kisses, touches, and fondles his 7-year-old sister? This happened to me for two or three years as a child when my parents were not present and I'm still not sure how to process it. Of course it made me uncomfortable, but this wasn't an adult, it was another child. Was I molested?

Yes, it is molestation.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Find a therapist, it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a 11-year old boy inappropriately kisses, touches, and fondles his 7-year-old sister? This happened to me for two or three years as a child when my parents were not present and I'm still not sure how to process it. Of course it made me uncomfortable, but this wasn't an adult, it was another child. Was I molested?

Your ambiguity about what happened is normal under the circumstances. If you felt coerced or manipulated, it was molestation. Some sibs engage in sexual exploration with each other, instead of age mates. It's not abnormal, but when the age range between the sibs is 3-5 years or more, it raises issues of molestation for the younger child. There isn't an agreed on age difference as to when it becomes coercion, and it probably depends on the specific facts of a situation.

You might want to talk to a therapist to process how you felt about it.

[Anonymous]

More info here:

http://www3.aifs.gov.au/acssa/pubs/researchsummary/ressum3/rs3c.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At his age yes. If he was like, 6 or something and maybe didn't know better it would be a little different.

Someone probably molested him too, though .

Disagree. My daughter was molested by her 5 yr old cousin when she was 3, he basically tried to go down on her. He knew enough to wait until adults weren't around to do it, he bribed my daughter with potato chips when she said no, and he lied when asked about it in a rational manner.

It was molestation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and the other who was in a similar situation, do your spouses know? I think it would be harder for my spouse than for myself, if I were you, as you both seem very stable regarding the situation.

PP here. My DH knows and it's hard for him because my brother comes off as a really decent fellow. He sort of wanted to hate him. I actually did hate him for many years as an adult because he was staggeringly self-centered and didn't help at all with elder care with my very needy parents. But then our other brother died and e has really stepped up to the plate by sharing responsibility for our elderly mom. He actually does way more than I do now. So my DH has only known him in helpful mode. Other serious exes joined me in despising him in my 20's.