First heartbreak after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think there are always clues to a person's real temperament and make up. The problem is that we ignore the signs because we want the relationship to work out.

All these topics about failed marriages and how the husband is a jerk, etc ....... don't tell me that in every instance it was a case of the guy suddenly becoming a whole different person.

Think of your failed marriage: looking back, do you really think there were no signs that he had issues?

Of course there were signs, the ones that I really missed:

1) Lack of a healthy social group (usually 3-5 friends and that is it)
2) Speaking bad of ex's - specifically having "crazy" ex's
3) Treating other people badly (harder to know if he behaves in front of me)

1. A guy is supposed to have more than 4 or 5 friends? Thats tough to do as you get older, everyone changes jobs, everyone acquires family obligations of their own.
2. What if the ex really was crazy? I loved her, but she required her share of lithium to keep functioning.

Fair points, but those were the only "clues" I could think about. This particular person worked in a male dominated field and had virtually no friends in the workplace. Expressed hate for a lot of people at work (I thought that given the employer it was possible as a 'normal' person he couldn't tolerate the bad eggs...turns out he was one of the bad eggs.)

Arguably my ex was crazy too...but he would say things like I should lock my doors in case my ex walks in...had lunch with my crazy ex (if she was really crazy why would you get lunch?).

I didn't have many other clues. He sometimes was inconsistent (said we were exclusive but resisted taking down his dating profile). He would ask about me being unfaithful, when apparently he was. Not all of the above things happened while we were together.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you PP.

Maybe that is the problem. I was giving people a chance that openly expressed issues with trust and relationships.[/quote]

Yes, do not do this anymore. The other thing I think is that, at least given my family of origin, there is an expectation that the woman will make the marriage work - that we should compromise and forgive and be flexible, etc. This is also the kind of thinking that leads you to think, even when you see the signs before marriage or spending a long time with someone, that you are "being grown up" because we all know that love isn't like the movies. Then we set about trying everything to make it work, even in the face of abuse, addiction and serial infidelity.

Times may have changed, but when I was growing up men were not socialized the same way.

I am actually preaching to myself as well as you because I have been separated about 6 months, am moving towards divorce, and am trying to figure out how I will ever know what a good match looks like for me and how I can help my daughters not to make the mistakes I did. My therapist says we will work on this, but so far we have been spending most of our time helping me figure out how to deal with a still-abusive ex.

Good luck to us both and everyone else struggling with this.[/quote]

My family of origin is similar. My Dad was not very kind or loving (inconsistent) toward my Mom growing up. She was pretty sure and I don't doubt her that he cheated multiple times over the years. So, yes, I was told that you make it work. No one is perfect, etc. I stayed for 10 years in two relationships that were ok but the men were disasters. You are right I need to re-examine my standards for love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think there are always clues to a person's real temperament and make up. The problem is that we ignore the signs because we want the relationship to work out.

All these topics about failed marriages and how the husband is a jerk, etc ....... don't tell me that in every instance it was a case of the guy suddenly becoming a whole different person.

Think of your failed marriage: looking back, do you really think there were no signs that he had issues?

Of course there were signs, the ones that I really missed:

1) Lack of a healthy social group (usually 3-5 friends and that is it)
2) Speaking bad of ex's - specifically having "crazy" ex's
3) Treating other people badly (harder to know if he behaves in front of me)

1. A guy is supposed to have more than 4 or 5 friends? Thats tough to do as you get older, everyone changes jobs, everyone acquires family obligations of their own.
2. What if the ex really was crazy? I loved her, but she required her share of lithium to keep functioning.

And you saw no signs of this during your courtship or did you choose to overlook them in the hope that things would change and to sustain the relationship?

[Anonymous]

New poster here, I'm struggling so much with all this and several of you say you had excellent help from a therapist - I've tried a handful of therapists, none of whom clicked for me (felt like they were bored with me). I desperately need a therapist that will ask the tough questions about why I married that guy, why I waited so long to split, and why I'm pining for him now even though he is a shit.

[Anonymous]

Continuing from 10:09, can anyone recommend a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continuing from 10:09, can anyone recommend a therapist?

It helps when you can narrow down your location.

[Anonymous]

DC

[Anonymous]

But Bethesda fine too.

[Anonymous]

Sally Madden Ph.D. Has an office at 1616 18th Street NW and in Silver Spring or Takoma Park. I don't know whether she takes any insurance; I know she is out of network for me. She is helping me through right now. I hope she is a good fit for you or you find someone else who is, PP.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much, 18:49. I will call her.

[Anonymous]

My ex is crazy. I have never spoken about him negatively to anyone I've dated. I've accepted that I was drawn to him in the past for unhealthy reasons.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's highly unlikely we we end up with a good match. Most spouses will wind up a bad match, and most try to fake it. If you have no kids, get out of there.