improving relationship with ILs

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it takes work. You may never be best pals with your ILs or be like one of their own kids, but setting a good example for kids, trying to include family, not being overly critical, and learning to let things go is a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seven years it is better. My MIL finally seems to see me as a person to be respected and occasionally chatted with rather than the woman who stole her son (eye roll). FIL has opened up.

And, most importantly, I let DH take the lead for about everything involving his parents *and* my expectations for my relationship with them are very low. I appreciate the ways that they are flexible and generous, but also still am surprised when I have a relatively pleasant conversation with my MIL. It is what it is.

This. After asking SIL to be in our wedding, her response was "what are we weeeeearing?" (nasal voice here). Yep, that set the stage alright.

I don't see anything wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

My relationship got ten thousand percent better after MIL died. Turns out she was the real antagonist, FIL is really sweet and likes spending time with me. With MIL, we could hardly be in the same room-with her out of the picture, we often elect to do activities together or have long conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My relationship got ten thousand percent better after MIL died. Turns out she was the real antagonist, FIL is really sweet and likes spending time with me. With MIL, we could hardly be in the same room-with her out of the picture, we often elect to do activities together or have long conversations.

Wow I had a nearly identical experience. MIL died fairly young and FIL was suddenly the nicest guy in the world, after calling me trashy and "a throwaway girlfriend" while DH and I were newly married. He spent time with the kids, bought me an awesome cooking class for Christmas, got really interested in my line of work, etc. I felt so bad if I ever voiced it, and it's odd to be grateful for the death of your husband's loved one, but it really has improved our family relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP I am at that point where I am trying to get a lukewarm relationship with them. It started very hot but dropped to ice cold after one year. My inlaws are very open about their business but I am very private so that did not go well with them. My FIL can also be very controlling and overbearing especially on financial matters. There was this cold war that was going on for two years but I guess they realized I was not going to change for them and my husband loves me the way I am so they have been making great efforts to reconnect but it's very awkward so I smile a lot, offer help when they are in need, have them over once in a while but I keep conversations very general and everything else at arms length.

[Anonymous]

Might get better once you have kids, they can spoil them then and continue to forget about you!! Blood is thicker than who your son marries anyhow.

[Anonymous]

When you are carrying their grandchild they are very, very nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are carrying their grandchild they are very, very nice.

Or freakishly weird once they realize that maybe they screwed up and start worrying about their role in their grandchild's life--particularly if you see them less during the pregnancy because you feel crappy.

[Anonymous]

Ours was fine until the first grandchild came along and then they wanted to be around all the time and what used to be small annoyances started to seem much more important. Now that the kids are older, it's a little bit back to lukewarm, but not as good as it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are carrying their grandchild they are very, very nice.

Mine were awful when I was pregnant. They live across the country and used to send me giant boxes of prenatal vitamins-like, enough for twenty pregnant women (I gave them to a local battered women's shelter), ask me constantly whether I was being careful with the baby, refuse to let me lift anything over 3.4 oz, and scream at me for putting alcohol (which burns off!) into a beef stew I made them. Same when we had a newborn, although they've normalized somewhat since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are carrying their grandchild they are very, very nice.

Not always. My relationship started off poorly (I wasn't the daughter mil wanted) got better and blew to hell once our son was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are carrying their grandchild they are very, very nice.

Or freakishly weird once they realize that maybe they screwed up and start worrying about their role in their grandchild's life--particularly if you see them less during the pregnancy because you feel crappy.

I wish my in-laws didn't take out their discomfort and dislike of me on my son, their only grandson.

[Anonymous]

MIL can't get along with any of her DILs, nor her SIL. The common factor is HER. We are civil to her. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My relationship got ten thousand percent better after MIL died. Turns out she was the real antagonist, FIL is really sweet and likes spending time with me. With MIL, we could hardly be in the same room-with her out of the picture, we often elect to do activities together or have long conversations.

Nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are carrying their grandchild they are very, very nice.

If you interpret very, very nice as going off the deep end obsessed.