How to deal with in-laws that over shop for baby

[Anonymous]

It sounds like shopping is the expression of her love....something for her to do to feel useful. I have this same problem with a friend who's about 15 years older than me who does this to her daughters, and who gave me a really expensive wedding present that was not something we wanted or needed or had registered for. It's sitting in our basement, and I don't know what to do with it.

But perhaps you can gently push her toward putting that money in say, a college fund? And like one of the previous posters said, find ways to get her involved that don't involve shopping, like asking for her advice on stuff. That's free -- and she'll feel needed and loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tread very lightly here. I am in the exact same position as you (same SIL, niece, she has a larger house, etc) except 5 years down the road, with more kids now. It's difficult to explain, but quenching her excitement and desire to give (which in our case also included a desire to help and be a part of things) in the early days ended up making my MIL sad and insecure about her grandmother role to her son's kids (versus her daughter's). It translated in all sorts of little ways over the years, and now my kids are definitely second place to my SIL's kids. It's not a huge deal but my oldest does notice it a little. My MIL is also a very complicated person -- I know now that to she loves to be loved and needed and is a little shallow about this kind of stuff, but I would have tred more carefully early on to avoid this dynamic.

So my advice is to go with it, it at the most, have your husband mention something to her along the lines of how much you love everything but are strictly worries about space. Eventually you/he could ask her to get a class or event or activity as a gift when your child is a bit older. Or clothes. I'd just accept gracefully and donate a few things if you really need to, etc. Good luck!

The thing is, that is on your MIL for her insecurity and and anxiety. I don't see how you and your DH did anything wrong, whereas playing favorites on your MIL's definitely is.

As other PPs have said, sometimes it is best to leave it alone and return, regift, donate, etc. Addressing the over giving is a sensitive topic especially when other grandchildren are involved and it is not worth trying to spar with MIL over this even if she is insecure.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you are an ungrateful wench and you will tell her what is needed and she may only give these soecigic gifts or that you would rather have the money because you are a control freak and how she spends her money on your child is dictated by you.

Good gracious, be grateful she cares. FYI, you do not get to tell other people how to, or how much, money they are allowed to spend on your child.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you are an ungrateful wench and you will tell her what is needed and she may only give these soecigic gifts or that you would rather have the money because you are a control freak and how she spends her money on your child is dictated by you.

Good gracious, be grateful she cares. FYI, you do not get to tell other people how to, or how much, money they are allowed to spend on your child.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you are an ungrateful wench and you will tell her what is needed and she may only give these soecigic gifts or that you would rather have the money because you are a control freak and how she spends her money on your child is dictated by you.

Good gracious, be grateful she cares. FYI, you do not get to tell other people how to, or how much, money they are allowed to spend on your child.

OP here. Seriously? I never said I was ungrateful, nor did I say I was looking for money. I was looking for advice to address a sensitive situation that others have experienced, since I'm trying to avoid hurting any feelings. If you don't have anything nice to say than don't comment.

While I love this site for some of the insights that are gained, I hate the nasty, unwarranted comments like yours that pop up without fail.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks to all for your helpful comments and positive suggestions.
Much appreciated and hope you all enjoy the rest of the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tread very lightly here. I am in the exact same position as you (same SIL, niece, she has a larger house, etc) except 5 years down the road, with more kids now. It's difficult to explain, but quenching her excitement and desire to give (which in our case also included a desire to help and be a part of things) in the early days ended up making my MIL sad and insecure about her grandmother role to her son's kids (versus her daughter's). It translated in all sorts of little ways over the years, and now my kids are definitely second place to my SIL's kids. It's not a huge deal but my oldest does notice it a little. My MIL is also a very complicated person -- I know now that to she loves to be loved and needed and is a little shallow about this kind of stuff, but I would have tred more carefully early on to avoid this dynamic.

So my advice is to go with it, it at the most, have your husband mention something to her along the lines of how much you love everything but are strictly worries about space. Eventually you/he could ask her to get a class or event or activity as a gift when your child is a bit older. Or clothes. I'd just accept gracefully and donate a few things if you really need to, etc. Good luck!

The thing is, that is on your MIL for her insecurity and and anxiety. I don't see how you and your DH did anything wrong, whereas playing favorites on your MIL's definitely is.

We don't have this dynamic in our family, but there is a lot of insecurity between my mother and my SIL. My mother is very pushy and my SIL has pushed back hard, and it's painful all around. My mother wants to be involved in everything but is unsure where she would be welcomed -- I grew up with my mother and I'm comfortable telling her what is or is not welcomed, but it's very different between for a daughter-in-law.

OP, outline specifically what would be welcome, and say thanks for everything else and keep or donate what you cannot use. Invite her into your family as much as possible, instead of pushing her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tread very lightly here. I am in the exact same position as you (same SIL, niece, she has a larger house, etc) except 5 years down the road, with more kids now. It's difficult to explain, but quenching her excitement and desire to give (which in our case also included a desire to help and be a part of things) in the early days ended up making my MIL sad and insecure about her grandmother role to her son's kids (versus her daughter's). It translated in all sorts of little ways over the years, and now my kids are definitely second place to my SIL's kids. It's not a huge deal but my oldest does notice it a little. My MIL is also a very complicated person -- I know now that to she loves to be loved and needed and is a little shallow about this kind of stuff, but I would have tred more carefully early on to avoid this dynamic.

So my advice is to go with it, it at the most, have your husband mention something to her along the lines of how much you love everything but are strictly worries about space. Eventually you/he could ask her to get a class or event or activity as a gift when your child is a bit older. Or clothes. I'd just accept gracefully and donate a few things if you really need to, etc. Good luck!

The thing is, that is on your MIL for her insecurity and and anxiety. I don't see how you and your DH did anything wrong, whereas playing favorites on your MIL's definitely is.

Ok so how does assigning blame make it better?

[Anonymous]

I have the same MIL. My kids are older. I tell my husband before they get here not to open all of the packaging right away. When they leave I regift them or sell them on craigslist or resale, next I offer them to friends, or set some aside for later in the year. (something new to occupy them) When something comes into our house - something leaves. I told my MIL that one and she now brings less. I did tell her that if she wants to help she can also get the kids the next clothing size up. This way when they are done wearing the size they are in we have their clothes already to go.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my kids were little we lived in small quarters, and sometimes got overwhelmed with Big.Plastic.Stuff. at Christmas.

I would end up either returning it or giving it away. But I (and the kids) would write or draw thank yous.

As time went on, sometimes folks would ask what they needed and I could be more specific, like 'the kids would love a family pass to the zoo'. But in the beginning you do tend to get more Big.Plastic.Stuff. (I'm fine with plastic, I just am referring to bulky baby toys.)

[Anonymous]

You don't. You let them buy stuff for their grandchild and take pictures of the baby in the clothes they have sent and send it to them. Why is this rocket science?

[Anonymous]

Say thank you and appreciate it. I would love a grandma like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say thank you and appreciate it. I would love a grandma like that.

. Which is great. But the OP and her husband don't.

[Anonymous]

I just got back from spending the morning returning things all across town for store credit for things we need later. And most of the rest of these ridiculous amount of grandparent gifts are going on Ebay. My kids got so much stuff they got tired of opening and didn't even look at most of it. So I'm keeping what they have played with and getting rid of the rest. We don't have the space, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be grateful and only use what you want to. Store the rest for a while.

My in laws bought absolutely nothing for DS when he was born. $50 for birthdays, and only when DS turned
3 did they buy maybe $100 worth of stuff. And this is a kid they fawn over like crazy. And MIL shops like crazy for herself and FIL has earned over $400k/yr his whole adult life. Other grandkids were spoiled too by the way. I guess they just decided to cut back when DS was born. For some reason.

Sooo yeah, count your blessings.

Count yours. $50-$100 for birthdays is really nice. Ungrateful person!