Keeping up appearances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't lie with them, but I wouldn't cause drama either. If they said, Larla was a gifted student, I would comment that she has made great strides in school (truth).

Then I would walk away.

At the end of the day the only harm they do is to themselves. As long as your children know that you ARE proud of them and grandma/grandpa are senile it should be ok.

This. There's no need to cause extra drama on top of what the ILs are trying to create. Just keep things nice and vague, that way there's the smallest chance for embarrassment or awkwardness for anyone -- the grandparents, the kids, and the people who would otherwise be caught in the middle of family drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't lie with them, but I wouldn't cause drama either. If they said, Larla was a gifted student, I would comment that she has made great strides in school (truth).

Then I would walk away.

At the end of the day the only harm they do is to themselves. As long as your children know that you ARE proud of them and grandma/grandpa are senile it should be ok.

This. There's no need to cause extra drama on top of what the ILs are trying to create. Just keep things nice and vague, that way there's the smallest chance for embarrassment or awkwardness for anyone -- the grandparents, the kids, and the people who would otherwise be caught in the middle of family drama.

+2 Don't collude in the lies, but don't make a big scene about it. Just be positive but honest.

[Anonymous]

oh gosh, this has been fun to read. (misery loves company). my parents adore my sister and abhor my brother. (neither did anything to deserve these extreme feelings). but that's the way it is, so all accomplishments of sister are highly exaggerated, and so are any "flaws" of brother. they believe their version of "truth", and if you try, however casually or forcefully, to interject a different recollection or perception, your comments are met with a look of confusion (mom) or disdain (dad). sister must be quite related to dad , because she and her husband love to slash and trash their friends and relatives. it is painful to listen to.

[Anonymous]

If you want a change you need to go and not lie...get rid of the mask, tell the truth, be proud of your kids the way they are and send a clear message to your entire family that that ridiculous family tradition of lies has now come to an end.

Or you can not go, invent an excuse (lie) and know full well that in your absence more lies will be spread...not the option I'd chose but then again I detest lies, especially within close family circles and would NEVER stand for some shitty practice like this in my family. No matter whose feelings get hurt initially, I'd absolutely turn everything upside down to give my family a chance of loving and accepting each other the way we all are from then on out.

[Anonymous]

Don't go to the wedding. Have you thought of the bride and groom? Don't add negative drama to their day, it will take attention away from them.

[Anonymous]

How sad for your children, and for you. Definitely don't lie to protect them from being unmasked. Have you told them that their exaggerations and lies make you sad, because those things make it clear that they can't accept your children for who they are?

How old are your kids? If they're old enough to understand what's going on, that makes it even worse.

[Anonymous]

My family is like this. Have you considered everyone already knows your parents are lying/exaggerating anyway? Don't tell your kids to lie. If someone brings something up, just ask like it is a misunderstanding, "Actually, DS was accepted to Radford rather than Harvard. He is planning on studying art there next year." I agree, there is no need for drama and no need to bring the subjects up unless people ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is like this. Have you considered everyone already knows your parents are lying/exaggerating anyway? Don't tell your kids to lie. If someone brings something up, just ask like it is a misunderstanding, "Actually, DS was accepted to Radford rather than Harvard. He is planning on studying art there next year." I agree, there is no need for drama and no need to bring the subjects up unless people ask.

The magnitude of the lying or embellishing is not clear to me.
Are the ILs making actual events up, like Larla got in to Harvard or Larla won the spelling Bee? Or just saying, Larla is so smart or Larla plays soccer the best.? Lots of parents or bubbly grandparents say the latter. Big deal.
But making up achievements in front of or to a child is silly at best and damaging at worst.

Can you have fun with it and dish it back? ooh, I heard GrM won the state fair pie contest! Then turned around and did a world tour with her choir!

[Anonymous]

OP, not my parents but my aunt does this. I completely understand your ambivalence. My aunt has many excellent qualities and I would like to get together with her more often, if only it did not make me so uncomfortable the way she completely reinterprets reality in a more glamorous way that suits her better. She also just makes things up.

It's kind of disturbing. I think she might be Hyacinth Bucket, American version. I always feel a bit of toward/away when it comes time to get together.

Other relatives probably also know how they are and being polite.

[Anonymous]

What a big mess! I'm glad to say that my family is quite honest. However, every so often I meet someone who cannot seem to tell the truth about anything, even little things that don't matter, and I wonder what kind of environment they were raised in that they have developed such a habit of chronic lying. Now I know. This is how it starts.

[Anonymous]

Can you just go and be honest? When they say "Oh, I hear Johnny's on the honor role!" or whatever the lie is, just say "Oh, actually he's not but he's really loving math and into XYZ right now." In my family, there are enough miscommunications that when I've heard something that turns out not to be the case, I really don't think anything of it. It's frequently just the kind of mistake you get when playing telephone.