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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never had a close relationship with my mom. She just never spent too much time with me when I was little, mainly due to her evening job, and I think she never felt the need to feel close to me. Now that I have children, I find it hard to understand how detached she was.
She is now 74, still in ver good health, and in her hometown last weekend they organised an event dedicated to her, because she is involved in so many community things and helping so many people, and also because in the past, as a music teacher to kids, she was such as innovator and created a method for teaching music, which really takes into account the personality, abilities, sensibility of the child etc. People who used to work with her on this came up and gave wonderful speeches about her work and how much she worked with children and enjoyed it etc.
Wow! So when she was doing this, my brother and I were home by ourselves, fetching our dinner, doing homework etc.
Not only that, but she never taught us any music at all or tried to.

I am. It criticizing her working, but not even trying to get closer to me.

Where was your father? Was he involved with your brother and you? Did your mother work while raising you? As children, were you a bit difficult or unappreciative? If so to any, then these would be the types of reasons your mother may not have been involved with you. There is gratification in helping others who are appreciative.

My husband is very selfish, completely uninvolved with our children, doesn't discipline them, and doesn't hesitate to yell at me in front of them. My children complain when I try to teach them anything and are very unappreciative overall. I am very resentful, mainly because of husband's lack of involvement which I believe negatively affects our children. Who knows, your mother could have felt the same way. BTW - I also do ALL the inside house chores and work full-time. Husband even leaves his dishes in the sink because it is the women's job. As much as I love my children and want them to have the best opportunities; I feel I need to care less and disconnect from them to overcome the depression, hurt, and sadness the situation brings me.

I am sure your mother loves you very dearly, but there may be underlying reasons why she cannot get very close to you.

Yikes, it's sad that you can justify a mother being uninvolved with her children by blaming it on them. Children need their mother, end of story.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Sorry for the typos in my first post.
You ask where my dad was. He also taught in the evenings, gave language classes to adults. We, the kids, were alone.
I have always been a very responsible child, too much for my age. I remember feeling that I had to do things to please my mom. Like I would clean the bathrooms totally spotless and super shiny, when I got paid for my first summer job, the first thing I did was to buy her a gold bracelet.
Makes me feel sick.

[Anonymous]

OP, your childhood sounds so sad. I'm sorry for you and your brother.

Now that you are an adult, could you try to talk to your mother about why she never taught you music? That is the strangest (and very hurtful) thing. I really don't understand how she couldn't involve you and your brother into her work.

Your post about striving to get her acceptance (cleaning the bathroom, buying her a gold bracelet with your newly-earned money) was so sad.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. You deserved better. As did the pps who shared similar stories.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. My mom expended almost all of her energy on her career and got tons of accolades for a great career. Yes, she herself was ignored by her own mom and prob had mental health problems but really that's no excuse for ignoring me. She now has Alzheimer's (like a PP). Who is there to care for her? Not her friends or colleagues. Not my Dad (who she also ignored and cheated on and eventually divorced). Me. Frustrates the heck out of me! I probably need years of therapy but torn between caring for me kids and my mom where's the time? All I can offer you is to try to let it go and love and car for your children as you wish your mom did for you.