Not Attracted to Obese Spouse

[Anonymous]

Don't tell him that you are not attracted to him anymore. You can't help what you are attracted to, but I feel that this will backfire. He will just be hurt and defensive, and possibly bitter. It could really poison your relationship.

I guarantee you that he knows that he has a problem, but I think men sometimes have an issue where they need to feel like THEY made the decision to improve themselves. If you complain to him, he'll just get defensive. It sounds silly, but I can be like this, and I am a man who has struggled with my weight for most of my life, so I think I understand the psychology well.

I think the trick would be to somehow get him to see how out of shape he is, but without him perceiving that it is YOU telling him this. I'm not sure how to do this. Maybe put up a full-length mirror in the house so he can see his figure. Maybe do something physical outdoors and invite him to do it with you so he can see how out of breath he gets. Maybe pay a group of school children to point and laugh at him and play a tuba when he walks by.

Just kidding on the last one

[Anonymous]

Make him go see a doctor for an annual check-up. It took me a lot of proding to get my husband to find a doctor. The practice I go to has several doctors so I made him look through the profiles and pick one. I rarely get mad at him, but I did get mad about him not seeing a doctor for almost 8 years (this was at the beginning of our marriage). You can also use the Washingtonian Best Doctors issue or checkbook.org to find a good doctor. But it has to be his initiative to pick one and make the appointment.
Now he goes every year because he's had some medical scares. This week he found out he was pre-diabetic. He told me he was going to cut out sodas, which I support as his weight-loss plan. I got so pissed yesterday when I found out he drank a soda. I told him I will not enable his unhealthy habits. I stuck with him and was very supportive after his car accident, but I will not stick by him if he follows the path to diabetes. He knows I'm serious.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. PP has the best idea. You should INSIST that he see a doctor. Tell him you are worried about his health and you are setting up an appointment and just be completely obstinate about it.

I know you've tried this before, but this time do NOT accept any excuses. Keep pushing him to do it no matter what. Just keep riding his ass until he sees a doctor.

But, keep it about his health. By showing him that you care about his health and you are unbending about it, he will perceive this as loving, even if he doesn't initially appreciate it -- much moreso than if you made it about you not finding him attractive, which will hurt.

[Anonymous]

forget about exercise right now. I'd focus on diet for starters. with all the junk he is eating and 4 or 5 servings of dinner he is probably eating 4 or 5000 calories a day, maybe more. 30 minutes of exercise, while nice, ain't gonna help much...may help psychologically though. signed, fat dh that is working on it

[Anonymous]

Exercise is a natural appetite suppressant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exercise is a natural appetite suppressant.

right but he is over 300 lbs and should probably see a doctor first but you can start changing your eating habits now (diet).

[Anonymous]

He can take walks. Just walking will burn a few calories when you are that heavy.

But, yeah. He needs a doctor to "scare" him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:forget about exercise right now. I'd focus on diet for starters. with all the junk he is eating and 4 or 5 servings of dinner he is probably eating 4 or 5000 calories a day, maybe more. 30 minutes of exercise, while nice, ain't gonna help much...may help psychologically though. signed, fat dh that is working on it

Good point. If I think about it, I think he probably eat several thousand calories. He eats very little at breakfast, but has two whole bags of chips/snacks at night, and then several servings of dinner, and sometimes a pint of ice cream. When he eats lunch, he often eats fast food or pizza, but he often skips meals, which I'm sure it awful for his metabolism. He has said that he doesn't understand my 1800ish calorie a day diet, so he must be way over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can take walks. Just walking will burn a few calories when you are that heavy.

But, yeah. He needs a doctor to "scare" him.

my whole point is that at this point "a few calories", think 300 +/- per 30 min of walking is a drop in the proverbial bucket and it doesn't sound like there is any motivation and this is totally one sided, she isn't going to be able to force much of either the exercise or the diet. she has a better chance with the diet (and more ROI). he needs a doctor to give him a physical and put him on the correct path and make sure he is healthy enough for rigorous activity. even low impact exercising like walking can do a doozy to your lower body.

[Anonymous]

OK. He clearly has a binge eating disorder. Skipping meals and then binge eating fits the pattern perfectly. He doesnt realize it, but he is doing this because eating a lot of food at once triggers a release of feel-good chemicals into his bloodstream.

It's an addiction. And it's going to be VERY difficult for him. It really needs to be treated as a mental health/addiction problem. He needs to accept that he has a weakness and that he needs the help of others to get better.

[Anonymous]

He should have gastric bypass surgery. Don't let all the hyperbolic haters scare you off. The vast majority of patients end up much better off.

[Anonymous]

My wife had a rocking bikini bod when we met but is now obese. The weight bothers me, but what is much worse is the depression that seems to be the cause. It has changed her to the point that she is really not a nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah. PP has the best idea. You should INSIST that he see a doctor. Tell him you are worried about his health and you are setting up an appointment and just be completely obstinate about it.

I know you've tried this before, but this time do NOT accept any excuses. Keep pushing him to do it no matter what. Just keep riding his ass until he sees a doctor.

But, keep it about his health. By showing him that you care about his health and you are unbending about it, he will perceive this as loving, even if he doesn't initially appreciate it -- much moreso than if you made it about you not finding him attractive, which will hurt.

17:24 here
I didn't tell him that I was worried about his health per se, but that it was ridiculous that he hadn't seen a doctor in 8 years. He ended up seeing a specialist for an underlying blood disorder and also found another minor issue. OP doesn't need to mention the obesity at all. After 35 years old, you really ought to see a doctor more than once a decade.
I wouldn't set up the appointment for him. You're not his mother; he needs to take ownership of this. If my husband hadn't followed through I think I might have started planning my life without him. Thank goodness it never got that far.

[Anonymous]

I think his change has to come from within, and nothing you say can speed that along.

[Anonymous]

Could you guys join Weight Watchers together? This would put you on the same page, and you could frame it as an opportunity for him to support you as we'll.