brother cut off parents .... and me eventually?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the age difference?

We are 7 years apart. Interestingly we have always been the closest 2 in the family, although I get along well with my other family members. Perhaps that's why I fear him cutting me off. I was sister and even a little bit of a mother to him growing up due to our family circumstances. As we have both become adults, we have a more equal sibling relationship without the elements of mothering, the latter of which I don't think he needs or wants from me.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe family relationships and pecking orders ever change in a meaningful way. Family dynamics which existed when an individual was four still exist almost identically at forty as well. The difference is at four a person can't walk away, but at forty they can. No one should be compelled to relive the same disappoints throughout their entire lives because of kinship.

I think if you took a survey you'd find most people are estranged from someone because they found a relationship to be unpleasant or unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

What happened to him? I think you would get more helpful advice on this forum with you providing more info.

[Anonymous]

What's his beef about your kids? Is that the only point of contention between you two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe family relationships and pecking orders ever change in a meaningful way. Family dynamics which existed when an individual was four still exist almost identically at forty as well. The difference is at four a person can't walk away, but at forty they can. No one should be compelled to relive the same disappoints throughout their entire lives because of kinship.

I think if you took a survey you'd find most people are estranged from someone because they found a relationship to be unpleasant or unhealthy.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, long story short, my brother cut off my parents and my other brother, several years ago. There was a precipitating incident, to which I felt like he was overreacting. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back from his perspective. IMO, his perception of the underlying contributing factors wasn't accurate (I am older and have memories of his childhood and things my parents did or didn't do that he does not) and he interpreted mal-intent on my parent's part that I don't believe was there. My parents and my other brother tried to apologize, but he wouldn't accept it. We talked about it a little bit when he cut them off, but it was clear that he felt very strongly that he was right and any different view on my part was, in effect, perpetuating their injury to him. So, out of respect for his view, I basically dropped it. I understand that it is not my job to repair his relationship with my parents or brother.

But, I fear that he will do the same thing to me. We still see each other and in general, I enjoy it. I try not to engage on topics of disagreement (politics, family, etc.) but some things are difficult to avoid (usually something having to do with my kids). When we do disagree, I often feel his is doing to me something similar to what he did to my parents -- perceives a situation in very black and white, right/wrong terms, and unable to take the other person's perspective and takes disagreement as a personal disrespect.

FWIW, there is no abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc. involved in our drama, just, IMO, the kinds of every day family disagreements that most people work through.

Are there others who have been through this -- where one member of a family has cut off others, how have you navigated maintaining a relationship without taking sides? Has the family member who cuts ties eventually done it to everyone? Should I just accept that there is no way to disagree politely with my brother and just maintain whatever relationship with him I can, even if it's sort of superficial?

sounds to me as if you want a deeper, closer relationship with your bother, OP.

I'm afraid you are not going to get it. If you can be satisfied with the very superficial relationship with your brother you have now, then this is likely what it's going to be forever.

If you can't be satisfied with the relationship as it is, then yes, it's likely your bother will cut you off. It sounds like you're going in that direction right now. He sounds very rigid (could he be ASD?) and unforgiving. I wouldn't test the relationship, OP, if you value having contact with your brother.

I tried for years to have a better relationship with my brother, but it didn't work. He wanted a completely superficial, see each other once a year and talk about nothing, sort of acquaintance thing. In the end, I cut him off. He was very nasty to me, as a condition of maintaining a "relationship" with me. It always made me feel badly, so I just stopped seeing him.

I'm sorry, OP. I really do mourn the loss of my brother's company, but there's nothing I can do about it. I am not willing to put up with his abuse just so I can see him once a year. You don't choose your relatives, OP. Sometimes you just have to let go of them, sad as it is.

I hope your brother is a little nicer than mine, but he sounds similar in some ways. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

We have a brother who distanced himself from our entire extended family. No real reason, precipitating event -- his wife just doesn't like us or anyone. It is his action and no one has been able to change it despite many tries. If you call him on the phone, first there is a long small talk with the wife (in the course of which I hear hatred), then he finally comes on and frankly he seems a bit mental. Like he asked me who I was several times in a row. Like he would make small talk, then say Who are you again? He works in a field where he is in contact with many people so that does not seem as weird as it would with some, but then he does it again, and I think, mental. There is no changing him -- it has been 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a brother who distanced himself from our entire extended family. No real reason, precipitating event -- his wife just doesn't like us or anyone. It is his action and no one has been able to change it despite many tries. If you call him on the phone, first there is a long small talk with the wife (in the course of which I hear hatred), then he finally comes on and frankly he seems a bit mental. Like he asked me who I was several times in a row. Like he would make small talk, then say Who are you again? He works in a field where he is in contact with many people so that does not seem as weird as it would with some, but then he does it again, and I think, mental. There is no changing him -- it has been 30 years.

Wow, that is scary. Do you realize this is totally not normal, in and of itself? Does your brother have alzheimer's?

[Anonymous]

^^ We had to do some things to close up my mother's estate. I told our lawyer that he was a bit odd. The lawyer gave me that look "... just because you don't get along with your family..." and called him. He was subjected to a ranting diatribe that went on for 15 mins until finally lawyer hung up, and called me back. At least I didn't feel so much that "it was just me" It is just him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a brother who distanced himself from our entire extended family. No real reason, precipitating event -- his wife just doesn't like us or anyone. It is his action and no one has been able to change it despite many tries. If you call him on the phone, first there is a long small talk with the wife (in the course of which I hear hatred), then he finally comes on and frankly he seems a bit mental. Like he asked me who I was several times in a row. Like he would make small talk, then say Who are you again? He works in a field where he is in contact with many people so that does not seem as weird as it would with some, but then he does it again, and I think, mental. There is no changing him -- it has been 30 years.

Wow, that is scary. Do you realize this is totally not normal, in and of itself? Does your brother have alzheimer's?

bipolar with Alzheimer's coming later would be my guess.

[Anonymous]

^^PP about brother