My mother just told me the only way to avoid conflict with her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to please someone who will never be satisfied. Deal with her in whatever manner YOU wish. Speak when you feel like it, ignore her when you want. She has trained you to seek her approval. Don't. It will be hard at first, but press on, ahead lies freedom.

I've mostly moved past hoping to get her approval and now would just like to get through a visit without hearing something negative/critical every few minutes. The children are excited that she is coming and then she ruins it in the first hour. I try to set things up the way she likes it and she finds a reason why everything is wrong, inconsiderate, etc. She has nothing to hurry her home because she has driven her friends and neighbors off. Even extended family avoid her. I feel so stressed out that after she leaves, I think I will need a mental health day before returning to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to please someone who will never be satisfied. Deal with her in whatever manner YOU wish. Speak when you feel like it, ignore her when you want. She has trained you to seek her approval. Don't. It will be hard at first, but press on, ahead lies freedom.

I've mostly moved past hoping to get her approval and now would just like to get through a visit without hearing something negative/critical every few minutes. The children are excited that she is coming and then she ruins it in the first hour. I try to set things up the way she likes it and she finds a reason why everything is wrong, inconsiderate, etc. She has nothing to hurry her home because she has driven her friends and neighbors off. Even extended family avoid her. I feel so stressed out that after she leaves, I think I will need a mental health day before returning to work.

Have you examined why you keep trying? I gently suggest you work with a counselor to help you understand why you do as well as techniques to help you manage when she visits. It doesn't need to be this way.

[Anonymous]

Why spend time with her? Do you get anything out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is to say nothing.

And that is why I have cut my phone calls with the parents down to 1 call per week. Because unless you keep your mouth shut or agree with everything, you're in for an argument.

[Anonymous]

Plan shorter visits with your mom, and make them structured. (As in, if you spend 3 days together non-stop, make time for breaks and don't stay in the same house. Or cut the visits to two days; etc.) Make her aware of any boundaries and hold firm to them no matter how annoying/obnoxious she gets.