DEPRESSED about moving for husband's new job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who will take care of your son when you move?

He'll do some half-day preschool and will be with my MIL when he's not at school. I'll be working part time so he'll be with me a lot too. She has long wished for us to move there so that she can keep him while I work, and she has come to visit for weeks at a time and kept him at our house while I worked (from home for the family business), and it's been a great experience for us so far. I know it's not for everyone, but I think that will actually be a good part of the move.

We have family watch our kids too while we work and it has been wonderful. That alone would keep me from moving. My kids have such a strong and special bond with their grandparents.

That is great to hear. I'm really hoping that this positive aspect will help overshadow some of (what feel right now like) the negative ones. I'm really nervous about working so closely with my family, but excited for my son to spend lots of time with his grandparents and some of his cousins.

[Anonymous]

The reality is for most people, life revolves around the job that supports the family. We don't all end up living in our dream cities because it is not affordable or practical. I think every city has something positive to offer. What is best for kids is that parents love them, and try to minimize stress in their lives. One of the most stressful things for a child is poverty. So just tell yourself daily that you are making a good move for your family because of a good job opportunity that will provide a good childhood for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when we moved to DC it was originally my idea to encourage DH to apply for the job here. But when he got it and reality really sunk in about leaving my job/friends/family it was tough. I read it takes about three years to adjust to a new place. It might be a little less for you since you're moving to a place that's familiar, but still...give it time. We've been here four years and DH is looking at an opportunity that will move us back to where we came from and after four years missing it I suddenly realized I'm pretty happy here and not so sure I want to go back. It will all work out.

Maybe this is part of it - we've been here for almost 5 years, and I FINALLY feel really connected. It took a couple of years to make friends and figure out our lives here, a couple more years to develop close friendships and connections, and to really find our groove. We've had maybe a year of really feeling totally settled and like this is "home", and bam, we're moving. I'm realizing it's the little things I'm saddest about - our favorite used bookstore, drives over bridges and beautiful water on the way to the grocery store, our independent pizza delivery place and coffee shop and taco spot, all of the amazing playgrounds and little water parks in this area. We're moving from a pretty hip mid-sized city at the beach to a small-ish mountain town, so we're starting over AND there won't be as many great places and things to do in our new home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aw. I get it OP. My husband and I used to live in Austin and he mentioned a job posting for a job there he applied for. I love Austin (and more relevant to your situation, I love the town we are from) and would in theory be happy there but I would be SO SAD leaving the kids' schools, their friends, our neighborhood... You just have to remind yourself good things are on the horizon. New friends, new experiences.

But I confess that in my pessimistic moments I remind myself that the saying "this too shall pass" refers not only to the bad stuff, but also to the good stuff. Life just comes and goes like that. The good stuff will pass, replaced by more good stuff, and one day too that will pass. You just have to enjoy yourself while you can and hang tight to the memories. Good luck, friend.

This is actually a lovely sentiment, not really pessimistic at all. Thanks...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any directly relevant experience, OP, but I am hoping my post may provide something helpful or some encouragement. In my experience, any really major life change (like moving, or having a child) takes a full year to fully adjust to. It's a process and things get better incrementally over time, of course, but for me it has always really taken a full year to feel adjusted to my new normal. My point being: if this move is already planned and set, expect that you're going to feel out of sorts for a while, and give the new situation a full year before you consider making any further major changes in your life.

I really agree with this advice to take an incremental approach. You might want to focus on very little short-term goals (rather than looking at the whole picture: we're losing our home, our garden, our friends, our community). For instance, you sound worried about the merger of work and family. I agree you're going to want to meet some people who aren't your family! You could have a short term goal of finding an activity --hiking? yoga? book club?-- or a class that gets you meeting some new people. Another example might be that you think about which room (after your LO's of course) in the new house would give you greatest comfort. Focus on that room. Get the furniture right, buy the stuff that makes that new room the room you feel most "at home." It's a long road, but if you approach it room by room, small project by small project, I really think you'll feel less depressed and overwhelmed.

GL!

This is definitely my plan! I just have to get over myself enough not to be wallowing in so much self pity that I have trouble putting myself out there. But finding some activities and meeting new people is priority one after finding somewhere to live (yeah, that hasn't happened yet) and getting moved in. I think that will be really key, to have my own life outside of work and family. It doesn't come naturally to me to put myself out there - where we are now it took awhile to make good friends because I sort of let them come to me for the most part instead of being proactive - but I will have to be proactive in our new town. I also LOVE home stuff, so focusing on a room is a really great idea, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is for most people, life revolves around the job that supports the family. We don't all end up living in our dream cities because it is not affordable or practical. I think every city has something positive to offer. What is best for kids is that parents love them, and try to minimize stress in their lives. One of the most stressful things for a child is poverty. So just tell yourself daily that you are making a good move for your family because of a good job opportunity that will provide a good childhood for your kids.

I think this is true, and it's how I convinced myself in the first place that we should do this. The move is absolutely the best thing for our family. We mostly just "get by" where we are now, which is a source of a lot of stress for me, and we will be so much better off financially after the move. I feel really frustrated that we couldn't make it happen here, but I should just feel thankful that there are good opportunities for us where we're going. I am thankful, I guess I'm just also a little scared and a lot sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree about giving yourself time and recognizing there is an adjustment period.

Another thought. Consider that just because you are moving back to the area your family is from, it doesn't mean you are "moving home."

You aren't mentioning where it is you are headed for, but consider that the town/city probably has neighborhoods, activities, etc. that you didn't have exposure to when you lived there previously that you could tap into now. Try to approach the move with really open eyes, as if you were going to a completely new city.

My husband has been able to think of it this way. I think because it's a small town, it feels like it is what it is - BUT there's a pretty cool small city about 30 minutes down the road, which has grown and changed a lot since I lived in the region before. We've actually thought about moving to the small city instead of our hometown, but my husband will have an hour commute either way, and I'd rather that at least one of us didn't have a long commute with the toddler. My job and childcare are in the small town, so I think it makes the most sense to live there even though we'd probably enjoy the neighboring city more. Either way, I can try to think about the region in general as somewhere new.

[Anonymous]

We did this a year and a half ago, and It was terribly difficult for me as it is not a city I ever wanted to live in and our pre-move neighborhood set up was just about perfect. But we weren't close to family, and DH's high-travel job was taking a real toll, so while not ideal for me as an individual the move was clearly the right choice for the family as a whole.

I won't lie - the first ~year was really, really difficult for me. But I am slowly settling into the new city, making new friends, and am no longer depressed about being here. And the proximity to family has really been a positive. Just last night I asked ILs for some last minute child care help, which they happily did, and kids wound up spending the night at their grandparents. I think that kind of opportunity is really special and valuable.

So give yourself permission to grieve the things you are losing, but also try to acknowledge the real value of what you are gaining in the move.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would move anywhere to be close to family. Seriously, it's a wonderful privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would move anywhere to be close to family. Seriously, it's a wonderful privilege.

Totally agree. At the end of the day, that's what you're going to end up remembering. Grandparents get to see kids grow up rather than just a couple visits a year. Kids get to know their grandparents and other family. So many people regret that not happening with as disbursed as many people are now from their families. You won't have that regret. So feel fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for everyone's thoughts on this. They are really helpful and I have bookmarked this thread to read again when I need perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for everyone's thoughts on this. They are really helpful and I have bookmarked this thread to read again when I need perspective.

OP, I did exactly what you did a couple years ago. Left a wonderful situation with tons of friends, city we really loved. Relocated in large part to be closer to family.

1. Transitions - even good ones - are hard. Even though it's wonderful to go back home and to be near family, and for DH to have his dream job, transitions are difficult. Remember that! It doesn't mean that your new situation isn't a good one.
2. Being near family has been a tremendous help. Frees up a lot of vacation time, and I am so happy to see the close relationships developing between my parents and the kids. I didn't have that growing up, I am so grateful that my daughter will have grandparents in her life.
3. It definitely takes a couple years to adjust. If you ever feel bummed about leaving your old city, remember that it takes awhile to get settled.

Good luck!