If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

This is heartbreaking. No easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I ask this because I get the impression (for some reason) that this was a fairly recent accident within the past few years. I'm also getting the feeling that your BIL is feeling depressed and like a burden to his wife. And that makes me wonder if he is seeing his situation clearly or if he is imagining the worst...

I apologize, Op did mention that this all happened a few years ago. So this couple is in their mid 40's now and the wife began seeing the other man about a year after the accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I think you have posted too much identifying information.

No one cares.

[Anonymous]

What a tragic situation! But I don't think your BIL should file for divorce. His wife knows the deal, and she should stop the affair now.

He gave her permission to have a sexual affair, and that was very generous. She should realize that the emotional bond is becoming too strong, so she should end the love affair.

Marriage is for life, people. Any one of us can suffer a tragic accident. Remember the Christopher Reeve story?

http://chicken-soup-stories.blogspot.com/2012/04/youre-still-you-christopher-reeve.html

[Anonymous]

Do you not believe in honoring wedding vows?
"In sickness and in health....."

[Anonymous]

OP, don't have anything to add except your post is truly so sad and I am so sympathetic to all parties involved. : (

[Anonymous]

Very difficult situation. There is no solution to this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just to follow up on a couple of things.

Yes, the affair started about a year after things started to become their new normal after the accident (i.e after rehab, therapy, home improvements, etc).

DH and I moved out of the DC area a long time ago and I doubt anyone would recognize me from my posts. No one I know uses this site so I'm not too worried anyone would recognize me. If someone does, feel free to put my initials and I'll ask Jeff to delete this.

It's a shitty situation all around. It's easy to say she should end the affair or honor the "in sickness and in health" vow, but it is a very difficult life for her too, not just for him.

Anyways, thanks all for the comments. Just nice to have people say nice things as the whole thing just makes me so sad.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been together since I was in my teens. Twelve years later, I know both of us wouldn't be ok with starting an outside relationship with anyone to fill a physical void. Whatever happened to for better or worse and in sickness and health? If this happened to my DH, it would be difficult but knowing that I had another connection with another man over a condition he has no control over would crush him. We would march on.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is all so sad, I feel for all of you. I honestly don't have any advice but if this marriage does end and SIL does choose to go to live with the other man, what will that mean for your BIL? What is his backup plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you not believe in honoring wedding vows?
"In sickness and in health....."

Yea, but do those "vows" mean that you have to live a miserable life? This DW appears to have tried to be there for DH.

Marriage IS supposed to benefit your life. This is a situation where circumsatnces changed due to no fault of either party. I actually commend the BIL for thinking of his DW's needs. If I ever was in his position, I would also tell my spouse that they can seek happiness elsewhere. Life is too short. I would not want to be a life long burden on anyone and I would not want my spouse to resent me. LIVE YOUR LIFE

[Anonymous]

It sounds incredibly sad and hard OP, and I think I would do much what it sounds like you're doing - try to be there and be sympathetic to both of them, don't condemn anyone or their choices or decisions they made, and just be as supportive as you feel able and comfortable being.

I think it's great that you're presenting such a balanced picture of the situation - that speaks well for you, and also for your ability to be a supportive influence in their lives.

Also, try to remember that they are adults and whatever they decide to do it isn't your decision, or your responsibility. It sounds like they have been caring and supportive of each other through this so it is likely that will continue in whatever version makes sense for them.

All the best to all of you.

[Anonymous]

This is what you're promising when you vow to stay together in sickness or health. So no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is all so sad, I feel for all of you. I honestly don't have any advice but if this marriage does end and SIL does choose to go to live with the other man, what will that mean for your BIL? What is his backup plan?

Fortunately, he doesn't really need much of a back up plan. He has full-time care divided between several different nurses, lots of friends and family in the area, and between savings, the ability to do some work from home, and a sizable settlement from the accident, he will be fine monetarily as well as with support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to follow up on a couple of things.

Yes, the affair started about a year after things started to become their new normal after the accident (i.e after rehab, therapy, home improvements, etc).

DH and I moved out of the DC area a long time ago and I doubt anyone would recognize me from my posts. No one I know uses this site so I'm not too worried anyone would recognize me. If someone does, feel free to put my initials and I'll ask Jeff to delete this.

It's a shitty situation all around. It's easy to say she should end the affair or honor the "in sickness and in health" vow, but it is a very difficult life for her too, not just for him.

Anyways, thanks all for the comments. Just nice to have people say nice things as the whole thing just makes me so sad.

I think the PP meant that you posted too much identifying info about your BIL and SIL, who as you said are still in the DC area.