Push harder or back off?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP.

I am a DW and I think ambivalence is never a clear no.

For what it's worth, I don't understand women who say no so much. I never say no unless it is that time of the month. I can always be "convinced"!

[Anonymous]

DW here. I suspect that a soft no would become a hard no if you were crossing into "rapey" territory. You should maybe be targeting to seduce your wife out of a soft no instead of considering being "forceful" and risking feeling rapey.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I think the seduction option is a 3rd choice between "pushing harder" and backing off.

[Anonymous]

DW here. I think that, in the face of ambivalence, it is perfectly ok to explore a little further (i.e. "push"). Be prepared for that ambivalence to turn into either a yes or a no, act accordingly, and please don't get offended if it turns into a no. But you're really only pushing her for a decision, not strictly pushing her for sex.

Sometimes I am ambivalent because I'm distracted by a million other things, and it takes a pretty strong push to make the mental switch from "chores" mode to "sex" mode. But yes, I do like a strong and confident approach .

[Anonymous]

I have never seen a mom with kids hated attention from her DH. If you only pay attention when you want sex, no wonder she will say no. Welcome her with hugs and kisses knowing that it might not end with sex. Over time she will let her guard down and will behave spontaneously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a mom with kids hated attention from her DH. If you only pay attention when you want sex, no wonder she will say no. Welcome her with hugs and kisses knowing that it might not end with sex. Over time she will let her guard down and will behave spontaneously.

+1! It could be that the tedium of maintaining the household has lowered her drive. PP's suggestions will help make DW feel attractive again and open the door. That and a date night with no discussions of home repair/budgets/school system, but simply being a couple again once in a while, may help reignite the romance. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife here who initiates 95% of the time. In the past, I've tried to push past DH's ambivalence but honestly it's never that good. It's best for me if I wait until he's into it. It took me years to accept that, by the way; it's not easy on the ego. We last had sex on Saturday. I was really horny yesterday but it was clear it wasn't on DH's radar screen. So I took care of myself twice and got on with my life.

You have to know your spouse to know how pushing is going to work out.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. The short answer is that it totally depends on your DW's personality - some people like to be push, some like to get to someplace on their own, etc.

Personally, I very rarely say "no" or avoid sex, so if it happens that means that I'm really not in the mood (probably sick or super stressed or unusually angry), and I would be really irritated if I were pushed further.

On the other hand, I really like my partner to be aggressive - it is a turn on, once we do get going, for him to get a little kinky, suggest new positions, etc.

[Anonymous]

We have this weird dynamic where in the couple of days after sex, my wife has a disposition that's more open to sex -- she responds more positively to my flirtation and is generally warmer. But, intellectually, she seems to regard sex as a back burner issue because we just did it and kind of resists as if somehow it needs to be conserved.

Then, if it's been more than a few days, intellectually she recognizes that we ought to have sex, but her disposition is more distant -- like I have to warm up a cold engine.

Also, time off from sex seems to make me hornier and make her less horny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading various marriages and relationship forums, I've seen women say that when they indicate a lack of enthusiasm toward sex (but not a hard "no") what they really end up appreciating (whether they are thinking it consciously in advance or not) is for their husband to come on stronger - sort of show he's man enough to push through her test and show that he is hot enough for her not to be deterred so easily. His energy is a turn on.

I haven't read many comments where women indicate that "his energy is a turn on." Rather, I've read comments where women indicated that if they went ahead and had sex even though they didn't initially feel like it, in the end, they were glad they did.

But I'm sure different women feel differently . . . you should talk to her partner to see what turns her on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should think about divorce. It could just be a power play on her part. These things do not get better with time.

And, of course, there is a downside to talking it out with Internet strangers. It's not a power play. I'm not getting a divorce. I have a great marriage with a mediocre sex life. I'm trying to make our sex life better.

Kudos to you, OP! It's hard to know what your wife wants if she can't tell you, and women do differ on their responses to attempts to "talk them into it". But I guess some cautious trial and error is in order here. Maybe try pushing a little after the "soft no" and see where it goes? .

[Anonymous]

OP -
I was very much like your wife...not saying yes, but also not saying a definite no...ambivalent and not really feeling turned on. You need to woo her again and get sex on her brain. Sex is mental for women. Read the book "Wanting Sex Again" - I think written by Laurie Watson and ask your wife to read it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have this weird dynamic where in the couple of days after sex, my wife has a disposition that's more open to sex -- she responds more positively to my flirtation and is generally warmer. But, intellectually, she seems to regard sex as a back burner issue because we just did it and kind of resists as if somehow it needs to be conserved.

Then, if it's been more than a few days, intellectually she recognizes that we ought to have sex, but her disposition is more distant -- like I have to warm up a cold engine.

Also, time off from sex seems to make me hornier and make her less horny.

DW here - yes, the more I have the more I want....if it has been a while, I tend to forget about it