Bro is an enabler

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me just start ofF by saying I dislike my SIL very much. The reasons are many..way too much to share on here. Recently my BRo shared with the family that she has a drinking Problem. They have been married three years. He threatened to leave her and although we dislike her, we all encouraged him to stay .Two months later, I see pictures of her taking shots with him by her side and she drinks wine at all the family functions. I'm not sure if my bro is trYing to push her over the edge or if he somehow thinks its right for her to still consume alcohol but only when they are together. It's really odd. Just a few months ago he was ready to leave her because she promised she wasn't drinking anymore and he found out this wasn't true. Evidentially, he knew she was in AA before they were married. Thoughts?

You don't like her, there's no kids it seems, and she's having problems staying on the wagon.

Why'd you encourage her to stay with her, and why do you offer her wine at family functions?

Our family doesn't really believe in divorce outside of a spouse cheating. I also never offered her any wine after finding out she had a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you all suggest he stay if she is terrible and he wants to leave her? Do you somehow think he should solve her drinking problem? BEcause that is not possible.

I don't think he could solve her problem but I believe a part of him thought he could at the onset of their relationship. Now I'm just confused as to what he thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB, your brother chose to marry her and they are adults. I get that she seems shady but not your business. Your brother chose her although your family "warned him about her" kwim. His business.

I'm thinking that he is blood and so I won't mind my business, at least not to he extent you suggest. I intend to stay out of their relationship which is why I chose to turn to a forum and ask what others thought rather than approach him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB, your brother chose to marry her and they are adults. I get that she seems shady but not your business. Your brother chose her although your family "warned him about her" kwim. His business.

I'm thinking that he is blood and so I won't mind my business, at least not to he extent you suggest. I intend to stay out of their relationship which is why I chose to turn to a forum and ask what others thought rather than approach him.

DP here. I agree, OP, that your brother's behavior is confusing but that's how alcoholism can play out in families. In 12-step programs, they describe alcoholism as "cunning, baffling, and powerful" and that's what you're seeing with your brother. OP, you might want to attend some Al-Anon meetings to hear other people's experiences with it in their family. If Al-Anon does not appeal to you, you might consult a professional or read some books about this. Good luck. I can tell you care about your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB, your brother chose to marry her and they are adults. I get that she seems shady but not your business. Your brother chose her although your family "warned him about her" kwim. His business.

I'm thinking that he is blood and so I won't mind my business, at least not to he extent you suggest. I intend to stay out of their relationship which is why I chose to turn to a forum and ask what others thought rather than approach him.

DP here. I agree, OP, that your brother's behavior is confusing but that's how alcoholism can play out in families. In 12-step programs, they describe alcoholism as "cunning, baffling, and powerful" and that's what you're seeing with your brother. OP, you might want to attend some Al-Anon meetings to hear other people's experiences with it in their family. If Al-Anon does not appeal to you, you might consult a professional or read some books about this. Good luck. I can tell you care about your brother.

Thanks for the input. I'm going to look into this. I
Really can't see him as an alcoholic but truthfully if he never told me about her I would've never known she had a problem.

[Anonymous]

... So your husband doesn't want you involved in YOUR brothers problems? Sounds like you have marriage issues of your own.. Myob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB, your brother chose to marry her and they are adults. I get that she seems shady but not your business. Your brother chose her although your family "warned him about her" kwim. His business.

I'm thinking that he is blood and so I won't mind my business, at least not to he extent you suggest. I intend to stay out of their relationship which is why I chose to turn to a forum and ask what others thought rather than approach him.

DP here. I agree, OP, that your brother's behavior is confusing but that's how alcoholism can play out in families. In 12-step programs, they describe alcoholism as "cunning, baffling, and powerful" and that's what you're seeing with your brother. OP, you might want to attend some Al-Anon meetings to hear other people's experiences with it in their family. If Al-Anon does not appeal to you, you might consult a professional or read some books about this. Good luck. I can tell you care about your brother.

Thanks for the input. I'm going to look into this. I
Really can't see him as an alcoholic but truthfully if he never told me about her I would've never known she had a problem.

Pp, here. Wasn't suggesting your brother is an alcoholic, just that he seems to be caught up in the family patterns that go along with it. Alcoholism isn't just cunning, baffling, and powerful for the alcoholic. It also affects the family members in powerful ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB, your brother chose to marry her and they are adults. I get that she seems shady but not your business. Your brother chose her although your family "warned him about her" kwim. His business.

I'm thinking that he is blood and so I won't mind my business, at least not to he extent you suggest. I intend to stay out of their relationship which is why I chose to turn to a forum and ask what others thought rather than approach him.

I think the overwhelming consensus (rare on DCUM) is that you should MYOB.

[Anonymous]

I'm with your husband - stay out of it. Nothing you have described indicates that your brother currently wants, or will heed, your advice. It sounds like a sad situation that will probably get worse before it gets better, but it is unlikely that you can have a significant impact (at least not for the better) on things, no matter what you try.

I think the suggestion of going to an Al-Anon meeting or two is an excellent one. If nothing else you can educate yourself a bit on the dynamics of family relationships around alcohol abuse. It might save you some anguish and perhaps enable you to be there when/if you brother or SIL are ready.

[Anonymous]

I'm married to an alcoholic who is now sober. When my spouse was drinking and I was encouraging him to stop, I can't imagine I would have been doing shots with him. That said, I also would never judge someone going through this. It's hell. And maybe they are both still struggling and trying to figure out how to handle this. Best thing for family is to be supportive when they need you and not criticize since you aren't in their shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me just start ofF by saying I dislike my SIL very much. The reasons are many..way too much to share on here. Recently my BRo shared with the family that she has a drinking Problem. They have been married three years. He threatened to leave her and although we dislike her, we all encouraged him to stay .Two months later, I see pictures of her taking shots with him by her side and she drinks wine at all the family functions. I'm not sure if my bro is trYing to push her over the edge or if he somehow thinks its right for her to still consume alcohol but only when they are together. It's really odd. Just a few months ago he was ready to leave her because she promised she wasn't drinking anymore and he found out this wasn't true. Evidentially, he knew she was in AA before they were married. Thoughts?

You don't like her, there's no kids it seems, and she's having problems staying on the wagon.

Why'd you encourage her to stay with her, and why do you offer her wine at family functions?

Our family doesn't really believe in divorce outside of a spouse cheating. I also never offered her any wine after finding out she had a problem.

If you don't believe in divorce, then treat spouses kindly.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a meddlesome, nightmareish SIL. Why not contribute positively to this situation and MYOB. It's not your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB, your brother chose to marry her and they are adults. I get that she seems shady but not your business. Your brother chose her although your family "warned him about her" kwim. His business.

I'm thinking that he is blood and so I won't mind my business, at least not to he extent you suggest. I intend to stay out of their relationship which is why I chose to turn to a forum and ask what others thought rather than approach him.

DP here. I agree, OP, that your brother's behavior is confusing but that's how alcoholism can play out in families. In 12-step programs, they describe alcoholism as "cunning, baffling, and powerful" and that's what you're seeing with your brother. OP, you might want to attend some Al-Anon meetings to hear other people's experiences with it in their family. If Al-Anon does not appeal to you, you might consult a professional or read some books about this. Good luck. I can tell you care about your brother.

Thanks for the input. I'm going to look into this. I
Really can't see him as an alcoholic but truthfully if he never told me about her I would've never known she had a problem.

Pp, here. Wasn't suggesting your brother is an alcoholic, just that he seems to be caught up in the family patterns that go along with it. Alcoholism isn't just cunning, baffling, and powerful for the alcoholic. It also affects the family members in powerful ways.

Oh I see! Someone had mentioned earlier and thought you were suggesting the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a meddlesome, nightmareish SIL. Why not contribute positively to this situation and MYOB. It's not your marriage.

Wow! You sure are entitled to your opinion but I'm not clear what makes you think so. My brother came to me a few months back. I've never liked this girl and kept my opinion to myself for years and even encouraged him to stick around to save the marriage. That sounds like a meddlesome nightmare to you! Hmmmm. Interesting. Reading is fundamental.

[Anonymous]

Were they having a rough patch in their marriage and he was just venting to you and maybe blowing something out of proportion bc he was pissed? That is what I would think. I would not bring it up to him.