If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...

[Anonymous]

Great advice, 6:24. DP here. This thread reminds me of how when my dad quit drinking (after my mom threatened to divorce him) that my mom continued to be dissatisfied with him. Not that he wasn't lacking in many areas but she couldn't see that she needed to work on herself, too, and that she was blaming all her unhappiness on him. Years later, it became apparent that she had a drinking problem, too, but it was insidious and well-hidden from view.

Anyway, OP, this is not to say you are like my mom but just as a precautionary tale for your consideration. Alcoholism affects everyone in a family so you would probably benefit by focusing on yourself for awhile. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sober 20 years. DH is sober 27 years.

I would not recommend Al-Anon at this time. I don't find that Al-Anon is helpful for most people. It focuses on the wrong things and elevates co-dependency to the same level of problem as alcoholism. That's not fair or true.

NP here. This is the perspective of an addict and is not very useful, and I don't mean that offensively. Speaking from the perspective of the family member of an addict, Al-Anon is enormously helpful and you (OP) need a program that is about you and your recovery from the EFFECTS of living with and loving an alcoholic. Codependency is a whole other issue, I don't know why the PP is talking about it (except for resentment at the idea that the problems of people living with alcoholics could be considered "at the same level" as alcoholism?).

Agree with other PPs that you (OP) need to let your husband work his program and you need to work yours, which means trying out Al-Anon. At the very least, it will help you not feel responsible for monitoring and "helping" him with his.

Well, as long as you don't MEAN to be offensive.

Seriously, though, I'm married to an alcoholic, as I said before. I'm also an adult child of an alcoholic. I don't find a 12 step model to be appropriate for dealing with those issues. The model wasn't designed for that and it doesn't work for many people. (Most, I think, but I'm sure you would argue with that because it worked for you. Of course, AA also doesnt work for most people.)

We are in agreement that OP needs to address the effects of living with an alcoholic. I strongly suggest that she seek expert assistance from a marital therapist, who can do both individual and couples counseling. In my experience, the majority of couples who rely solely on Al-Anon and AA to work in the marriage end up divorced.

Proceed with caution, OP. AA/Al-Anon has a strong tendency to group-think and "one size fits all" problem solving. Try it, if you feel like it. (At least it's free.) Don't fret too much if it isn't working for you. Don't be afraid to seek out professional help.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

my parents suggested an alternative to AA that wasn't faith based.

http://www.smartrecovery.org/

[Anonymous]

My husband has been sober two and a half years. He's very proud and talks a lot about it, how much better his life is now, an inspiring thing he learned in the meeting, etc. However, our relationship still is undergoing repair from all that we went through, and we have the support of a counselor or we may not have made it this far. I'd recommend counseling to rebuild and work through the issues. I initially hoped that if he stopped drinking, we'd be fine and happy together. Turns out it's a lot more complicated than that. Good luck.