Are you a married woman who is friends with a married man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work friends, sure. We've met one another's spouses. But none of us hang out or talk outside work. Just lunch, chatting, etc. at the office.

This.

[Anonymous]

Sure. Both I and my husband have friends of the opposite gender - married and single. Many predate our relationship, some are former girlfriend/boyfriends, some are people we met through work, etc...

We have each met all of these people in each other's lives, and have become friendly with some and left others pretty much to carry on w/ the individual with whom they had the relationship originally.

The key point, as 13:07 so well stated it, is that none of these relationships are hidden, none are covered up, everyone on all sides are friendly with each other, etc... And, of course, my husband and I trust each other fully and have been careful not to do anything that would betray that trust or make the other person uncomfortable in any way.

[Anonymous]

Married woman here. One of my male friends is married to a total mean girl. So yes, I/our other friends, hang out with him without his wife. No one wants to be around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am close with my work husband. We travel together often and do lots of events after work. His wife is horribly annoying so we don't hang out as couples with our families much. My DH doesn't care and I don't think his wife cares either.

What is your issue though?

Wow, that sounds like a healthy dynamic. You travel with a coworker who you call your work husband and find his wife horribly annoying? Yeah....something tells me "horribly annoying" means she doesn't like you because you call her husband your work husband and don't like spending time with her. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the distinction. While you don't have to have your spouses all hang out together, are you trying to hide your friendship from either of them? I have been friends with several married men, and the ones I didn't have to worry about were the ones who introduced me to their spouses. Everyone knows everyone. The ones who treated their spouse like a black hole almost always tried to get too "friendly".

Real life example. My car broke down near the house of my male work friend. He wasn't nearby, but he called his wife to come get me and then after we got the car sorted, we went to lunch together. This is a friendship with no hidden motives.

Thanks PP. I think you hit the nail on the head. There's definitely a black hole there. I heard what I needed to hear.

Beyond hiding the friendships - is there anything said between the two of you that you wouldn't want your spouses to know? If the answer is yes, then it is time to end the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Next question should be: How soon after this did you start sleeping together.

BAD BAD IDEA.

[Anonymous]

Definitely. In fact in a few cases I am friends with the husbands, and I introduce my husband to them, and become secondary friends with their wives. In one case we joke that we all four get along because the husband-friend and I are so much alike, and my husband and friend's-wife are so much alike.
Why is this a question? Is there something more going on than concern for a married friend?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Nothing more than friendship. Friend does hide spouse though my significant other knows all about friend, our conversations etc. lately I've gotten a weird vibe though. It's what caused me to post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nothing more than friendship. Friend does hide spouse though my significant other knows all about friend, our conversations etc. lately I've gotten a weird vibe though. It's what caused me to post.

Friend hiding spouse = bad juju. Abort mission.

[Anonymous]

It would depend on how deep the friendship actually ran.

If it was a co~worker or a neighbor, then that is one thing.

But if it was a friend that I go out w/and perhaps meet for lunch, go shopping w/ or see a movie w/, then that might be kind of inappropriate. But if my spouse was a okay w/it, then why not?

I just do not think men + women can be platonic w/out any sexual undertones at all. Eventually things may go "there" and that is not a pretty thought.

[Anonymous]

Married female here. If I get friendly with a couple I find that most of the time I have more in common with the husband than the wife.

I am mainly looking for good conversation about non-personal issues. Women tend to talk mainly of people and relationships and either they are giving TMI or asking TMI. Besides I feel pressured to agree to their positions. I don't find that with the husbands.

However, I am very conscious of how I may be perceived and most of my conversations happen in a group setting. I am never alone with a man and I never flirt.

There are two or three couple that DH and I get along with where everyone is friends with everyone else and we have fabulous discussions and great time. But these kinds of people are rare.

[Anonymous]

Sort of. I am a single woman who has a few close friends who are married men (I also have plenty of female friends, both married and single.). I know all their spouses and children, even though I may not hang out with them. Presumably, they are all open with their wives about our friendship. When I do see their wives, they ask me about my work or recent trips, which is why I figure they tell their wives about our conversations, which is pretty normal, I think. Sometimes they confide in me about things, and I have no idea if they share those conversations with their wives. That wouldn't be my business. My business is to listen and respond like I would to any friend.

The key is a successful married man and single/married woman friendship is to be open to a friendship and absolutely nothing more. The committed friend is so out of bounds as to not even been considered a possibility. If you decide that from the outset, a friendship is possible. If you can't decide that, then you need to stay away from married people. My relationship broke up because my ex cheated. I would never respect myself if I ever played such a role in anyone else's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure. Both I and my husband have friends of the opposite gender - married and single. Many predate our relationship, some are former girlfriend/boyfriends, some are people we met through work, etc...

We have each met all of these people in each other's lives, and have become friendly with some and left others pretty much to carry on w/ the individual with whom they had the relationship originally.

The key point, as 13:07 so well stated it, is that none of these relationships are hidden, none are covered up, everyone on all sides are friendly with each other, etc... And, of course, my husband and I trust each other fully and have been careful not to do anything that would betray that trust or make the other person uncomfortable in any way.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nothing more than friendship. Friend does hide spouse though my significant other knows all about friend, our conversations etc. lately I've gotten a weird vibe though. It's what caused me to post.

Friend hiding spouse = bad juju. Abort mission.

What do you mean by your friend hides his spouse? How do you know he doesn't talk about you to his spouse like you do to your husband?

Never the less, if you are getting a weird vibe, back off. You are getting it for a reason. You might not have any ill motives in mind but maybe the lines are more blurred for him.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all the PPs. We did a double date this weekend and I think things are okay now. I think male/female relationships can work if spouses are open to it and I think that's key.