How to move forward after fight with narcissist MIL?

[Anonymous]

When my parents (getting elderly) come to visit they prefer to stay in a local hotel. They are more comfortable. They don't have to negotiate all our stairs. They have their privacy. WE and the kids have breakfast with them at the hotel and then go off on our tour of the day. But, by 6:00 everyone has had enough of each other. Well worth the cost.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the advice everyone. Basically, we were all out in a shopping mall together, and she took grandchild (age 7) into one store while I was in another. She then left grandchild alone in the store while she went elsewhere to shop, without telling the child that she was leaving. It terrified me when I found my MIL without child and she didn't know exactly where our child was. And, of course, it terrified my child when she realized she was alone and didn't know where any adults were. It also set into action a chain of events with store security, etc. MIL will not apologize - first she claimed she asked the child to come with her and the child refused (a lie, and even if it was the truth, then don't leave the store until the child is with you!) and then she changed her story to that the child didn't tell her that she wasn't allowed to be left alone in a store. In fact, in MIL's version of events, she "saved her grandchild's life" b/c she is the one who ultimately remembered what store she had left the child in (which is where child still was when we reunited). This all happened over the course of only 15 min, btw - but it was a scary 15 min! Anyway ... what MIL did is neither here nor there on some level b/c both my DH and I feel it was very wrong and we can never trust her alone with our children again - mainly I am just trying to figure out how to "be" around her when I am still so so angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice everyone. Basically, we were all out in a shopping mall together, and she took grandchild (age 7) into one store while I was in another. She then left grandchild alone in the store while she went elsewhere to shop, without telling the child that she was leaving. It terrified me when I found my MIL without child and she didn't know exactly where our child was. And, of course, it terrified my child when she realized she was alone and didn't know where any adults were. It also set into action a chain of events with store security, etc. MIL will not apologize - first she claimed she asked the child to come with her and the child refused (a lie, and even if it was the truth, then don't leave the store until the child is with you!) and then she changed her story to that the child didn't tell her that she wasn't allowed to be left alone in a store. In fact, in MIL's version of events, she "saved her grandchild's life" b/c she is the one who ultimately remembered what store she had left the child in (which is where child still was when we reunited). This all happened over the course of only 15 min, btw - but it was a scary 15 min! Anyway ... what MIL did is neither here nor there on some level b/c both my DH and I feel it was very wrong and we can never trust her alone with our children again - mainly I am just trying to figure out how to "be" around her when I am still so so angry.

WOW...that is OUTRAGEOUS. I would be so furious and I cannot believe she is taking this position, although she might be feeling very defensive about it and this is how she reacts when her back is against the wall. When is this visit over?

[Anonymous]

I think I would ask her to leave, you are clearly not going to do anymore family outings on this visit & I'm sure your child doesn't want to spend time with her (I wouldn't if someone left me) on her next visit book a hotel, keep it short and stick to planned tourist actives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would ask her to leave, you are clearly not going to do anymore family outings on this visit & I'm sure your child doesn't want to spend time with her (I wouldn't if someone left me) on her next visit book a hotel, keep it short and stick to planned tourist actives.

Yep. You are showing your child how you treat someone who disregards her own safety.

[Anonymous]

That really is horrible, OP, and I would be furious also. For your sake, I'm relieved your DH is on the same page as you.

I think you are within your rights to ask her to leave, but I also can see why that could create a whole other level of drama for you. So, if you don't ask her to leave, then you and DH should feel under no obligation to do anything more than the bare minimum. Don't feel obligated to entertain her. Obviously you won't be leaving her alone with the child.

Don't let her presence curtail something you would ordinarily do with your child.
Example: it's a nice day, and you want to take kid to park. Park visit doesn't work for Grandmother due for whatever reason: walking, pollen allergies, etc. Too bad. Grandmother can stay home and sulk. Don't let her guilt trip you about it later when you get home. If she starts in, just walk out of the room.
Good luck OP. Glad your kid was safe and sound.

[Anonymous]

NP here. With my narcissist MIL (aren't they fun?) we had to go to a hotel after horrible behavior for it to get through to her that we mean business. Not an option in your own house, but asking her to go to a hotel (and by asking, I mean, pack up her suitcase and have DH greet her at the door with it after she's outside and state that you are taking her to a hotel). In my MIL's case, the thing that pushed DH over the edge was the "my house, my rules" speech (in attempting to get him to fall in line with some craziness of hers, not with regard to something that was rightly her choice). His response was, fine, we won't be in your house.

In your case, you have the opposite position: our house, our rules, our kids' safety comes first. Also, you have the "you have refused to acknowledge how upsetting this was for us, and we need some space in order to enjoy the rest of our visit." She is going to cry, sob, yell, threaten, accuse, blame, blah blah blah, same old same old narcissist mess. Just stay calm, pack her into the car, and take her to a hotel.

Easier said than done, ha! But that is likely all that will get through to her.

[Anonymous]

Scary. Any chance MIL is showing early signs of dementia? She may have forgotten when she left the store without grandchild.

[Anonymous]

I would be polite to her, put this behind you thanking God nothing happened and make sure you never allow Grandma to be alone with the kids unless you or your husband are there.

No need to say anything but you can make sure it never happens again.

[Anonymous]

Wow.
You said she's halfway through the visit. How much longer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That really is horrible, OP, and I would be furious also. For your sake, I'm relieved your DH is on the same page as you.

I think you are within your rights to ask her to leave, but I also can see why that could create a whole other level of drama for you. So, if you don't ask her to leave, then you and DH should feel under no obligation to do anything more than the bare minimum. Don't feel obligated to entertain her. Obviously you won't be leaving her alone with the child.

Don't let her presence curtail something you would ordinarily do with your child.
Example: it's a nice day, and you want to take kid to park. Park visit doesn't work for Grandmother due for whatever reason: walking, pollen allergies, etc. Too bad. Grandmother can stay home and sulk. Don't let her guilt trip you about it later when you get home. If she starts in, just walk out of the room.
Good luck OP. Glad your kid was safe and sound.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Narcissism--the new catchword for anyone we don't like. Geez. People do crappy things but that leant make them a narcissist. I eon fear what "diagnosis" our kids will have for s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism--the new catchword for anyone we don't like. Geez. People do crappy things but that leant make them a narcissist. I eon fear what "diagnosis" our kids will have for s?

They will call us bad typers.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is really awful, and I'm sorry you were put through that.

However, in retrospect, it boils down to a huge kerfuffle, and I'm going to recommend that you let it go. Now. She is who she is. A narcissist. You are not going to get anything from her. You've learned you can't leave your child with her. Ever. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Narcissism--the new catchword for anyone we don't like. Geez. People do crappy things but

Well, when applied properly, that term describes pernicious pervasive patterns that are different in very important waysthat can be accounted for by "people do crappy things".

And in fact if that term IS being properly applied (and I suspect it does based on a few things and my experience with this diagnosis) then the details actually did NOT matter in the way we normally think of.

OP, I can tell this is the straw that broke the camels back. However, let me assure you that knowledge is power. If you are truly versed in the patterns of a narcissist, you will find that you have powers over them that you would never consider taking because you are in fact a normal person with normal expectations. But here goes: Narcissists do not understand dealbreakers. YOu know this, it seems. The negative for you is that you cannot ever get the satisfaction of acknowledgement by the narcissist of wrongdoing. The PLUS is, you can literally completely ignore the topic and it will not come up again. Why this is a plus: you dont need to take te responsibility of addressing it. Instead, you have all the info you need, and now she never gets to be with your kids alone ever again. But rather than making a grand statemetn about it, you just make it so. She does not need an announcement. Just make it so that they are never alone again. THAT is both your strategy and your satisfaction.

Its not a normal way of dealing with problems and conflicts, but its the ONLY way if you have a narcissist in the family.

MY dad married one after my mother passed, and let me assure you, its been QUITE the education. But once I understood what I was dealing with _exactly_, my life became much easier. I also had to let my father go, for his sake, as I knew she punished him severely every time I pointed out to him what she was doing. (I never used the term narcissist. And dont you ever let her know you have this term for her, because you are buying yourself a world of pointless grief if you do).

As a result, my father and I now finally have a relationship again. I am completely OFF THE RADAR of the narcissist. THAT is how you move forward. You just set the limits and feel free to make excuses each time. Master the "easy breezy". its your go-to survival tool. All conversations are to be kept superficial. YOu will save yourself so much time and grief if you follow this advice. Please please please. I went through years of pain to arrive at this knowledge. I hope to spare you the same.

So, place the kids in ANY activity while the N is around and never give her unattended access. And just go onto the internet every night after the N is sleeping and verse yourself in what pathological narcissism is. The stories you read will make your blood run cold, but I swear, you will find stength and wisdom in the experiences of others.

Ignore the topic, know that you know everything you need to know about her and what she did, which was not just careless and stupid BUT highly arrogant in the way only a narcissist can be. You already know what you need to know. There is NOTHING MORE TO KNOW.

Just be easy breezy and she will TOTALLY RESPOND IN KIND. That is their nature.

Your husband is aware, and he has had to live with it his whole upbringing, I imagine. So he knows all about the easy breezy and deflecting confrontation. REMEMBER: You are NOT avoiding confrontation to help the Narcissist. You do that to SAVE YOU AGONY AND POINTLESS STRUGGLE. So, as you do the easy breezy, remember you are doing this for YOU and not HER.

Good Luck OP. You will do this fine.