MIL can't bring herself to say anything nice.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Glad I'm not alone, seriously.

MIL will praise random people she does not know well. She goes overboard on her own two DDs and their families. Somehow, she thinks DH has it easy, or something crazy like that, and doesn't "need" the praise. I have news for you, everyone "needs" a normal mother - NOT a robot!

I guess it is more about DH and DC than me. I don't need the praise, frankly. Not from anyone who clearly hates themselves. DH has been extremely generous to his family in the past, so I guess that is the thanks he gets from greedy people.

MIL is very flat affect, and it is a little distracting. Combine that with smug and snarky, and it is far from a great combination.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not alone -- my MIL is a total nightmare and never says anything nice to me EVER. Only criticisms!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not alone, but I'm not suffering from that particular affliction. I wish I could pimp my MIL out to other women.

She never gives me a hard time. She sometimes offers suggestions but is cool if we don't take them. She offers to help. Isn't passive-aggressive.

She could run MIL seminars.

This is how my MIL was. We lost her 7 years ago, my sons never got to know her. It is the worst. It's nice to hear someone else who loves their MIL!! Mine was a great example to me for when my sons marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL asked me to get something from a top kitchen drawer, when I opened the drawer, there were the gifts I given her over the past year, still in their store wrappings: 2 nylon tote bags, 4 cute dishtowels, 2 good knives. Nothing else in the drawer. Message: I will never, ever use these things you gave me.

Wow, that's one mean, messed up woman.

That is harsh. I would have gathered them up and taken them home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not alone, but I'm not suffering from that particular affliction. I wish I could pimp my MIL out to other women.

She never gives me a hard time. She sometimes offers suggestions but is cool if we don't take them. She offers to help. Isn't passive-aggressive.

She could run MIL seminars.

This is how my MIL was. We lost her 7 years ago, my sons never got to know her. It is the worst. It's nice to hear someone else who loves their MIL!! Mine was a great example to me for when my sons marry.

Ack, I'm the follow-up poster here and I IN NO WAY am trying to say that the rest of you shouldn't be bitching about your awful MILs. They sound awful and you sound far more patient than I am! I was just touched to hear about someone like my MIL. Please don't take my post as "judgment" that you should appreciate YOURS - yours sound awful.

[Anonymous]

My mother is what you describe. She calls my DH a jerk. When we were at the end of our rope with unemployment, she told me "you ruined your life".

My MIL is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

9:33 - glad there is a positive "mom" in your life, seriously!

I don't understand grown women who are so blatantly bitter. Why tell the world how much your life sucked? Really.

[Anonymous]

Some people are jerks. Some are just not right in the head. Some are drama queens!

I know someone whose future MIL threw a fit, cried and carried on about a week before the wedding. Why? She said the future bride had hurt and insulted her and the future FIL and family because bride to be did not mail a wedding invitation to their home addressed to their son, the groom. "I can't believe you didn't invite my son to his own wedding.." Now who could anticipate some crazy crap like that? I swear I did not make this up lol.

[Anonymous]

OP, give an example of when you think you MIL should be saying nice things about you. Honest question...are you talking about "who made these mashed potatoes, they are yummy," or more like a random "op, you are a fantastic mother.?"

Because maybe it's just us, but my family doesn't necessarily spend our visits saying nice things about each other for no reason. Maybe a compliment like the mashed potatoes one...but not just random utterances of praise.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Since you asked for an example (MIL is that you?): When we moved into our first house, she could not muster one nice thing to say about it. It may as well have been a crack house in the middle of Detroit, it would have elicited the same response. That is, flat affect, zero.

Given that example, and knowing it is someone's first house, wouldn't most normal people think of something (anything) nice to say? It doesn't have to be high praise, just something simple:"wow, such a beautiful rose garden....front door color....whatever insignificant but nice thing to compliment...." It is *not* as if she is oblivious, because she clearly is not.

It is as if she refuses to say anything nice for fear that I will somehow personalize it as her "losing her rank", somehow. This all sounds nuts unless you know her. She is not the nicest person.

But if someone's cousin's cousin is having a wedding, a baby, a bowel movement - its (rather randomly) "well it was really so, so beautiful - I have never seen anything like it!" In other words, a double jab at me and whatever she is referencing, if I care to look at it that way. And knowing MIL, it is.

A compliment would never be for no reason. But when most people would socially find it acceptable to say something that is not outrageous, just normal. She seems abnormally cold toward me.

[Anonymous]

3:11 here. OP, we may have the same make and model of a mIL. Dear Lord, the are two in this world.

I get the worst, back-handed compliments. Some of my favorites:

"What a pretty necklace! Beat, beat. Did DD or you make that as a craft project?"

"Hey! You finally painted that drab wall. It looks so much nicer now."

The worst compliments are the ones she bestows upon OTHER people who are strangers to me, yet I have to hear how talented, energetic, artistic this person is (compared to me by implication)

OP, could it be a class/jealousy issue? Our HHI and lifestyle is by far higher and nicer than my IL's. I think petty jealously, wrapped up in feigned disinterest, is her way of swallowing her pride, maybe? Perhaps she's threatened by my (perceived) status and thinks tht her power is usurped?

[Anonymous]

Thanks :29! OP here.

I think you may have something here! We are definitely as far apart as you can get, socioeconomically. Which is fine, until she makes a big deal out of it with her predictable games. God forbid she ever thank me or DH or say anything positive. The degree to which it kills her is comical - you can almost see her seething. I can't believe a parent would be so jealous. It strikes me as crazy!

Can you tell me any more? I guess I just need some degree of support. Especially since her favorite communication device seems to be "deflecting". And *WHY* compliment the strangers? What is *WRONG* with our MILs??!! Why make it so obvious? Are they just not that smart?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, mine is also like this, except she adores DH, and my kids. Mine will also not acknowledge when I have contributed to the conversation by indicating that she heard me, asking further questions about what I said, or showing interest of any kind. Often there is dead silence after my comment, even if she and FIL brought up the subject in question.

For example, they brought up RFK stadium, and what might happen with that property, and I knew a little bit about that, so I stated in one sentence the latest. There was not a sign of recognition that someone had spoken, until my DH made a light comment, and there were then gales of fake laughter. I am used to it now, although after they visit I am drained and feel crazy.

If I do not contribute to the conversation then I am being sulky and too quiet, and they will let me know this in various ways.

Actually most of my dealings with them are lose/lose. Nothing I do is right, and now I have committed the ultimate sin after 15 years of marriage to my DH: I have gained weight (about 10 pounds).

Believe me, I know how they feel about that from years of their mean jokes about overweight passersby, and their own eating issues.
Why does your DH allow this.
Your DH should have called this out long ago.



Sorry for the long post but they just left after a 9 day visit and I am fried to a crisp.

[Anonymous]

PP, eating issues are related to daddy issues. You know this, right? Ask any therapist worth their pay.

[Anonymous]

Really 16:26? Or is this just a reason to stay in therapy and not hit the gym?

Therapy is really costly and it is great you are dealing with your father issues but not everyone who is heavy has the same problems.

Just a thought, not a sermon.