parents getting older and arrangements for "disabed" sibling - how much do I need to know/prepare?

[Anonymous]

un-enmesh yourself. Stay far away from the situation, and from her. Once your parents are dead, she can be dead to you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:un-enmesh yourself. Stay far away from the situation, and from her. Once your parents are dead, she can be dead to you too.

I agree with this. If you don't care about your inheritance, and don't want to get tied up w/ helping her (which I don't blame you for in the slightest), and your parents know your wishes - I don't see what action there is to take. When both your parents are dead, that's it. Don't take her calls, don't let her in your house. You can say, "I love you but I won't support your drug habit like mom and dad did. Call me when you've been clean for 1 year." Or whatever. I am confused as to what planning needs to take place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23:57, thank you. I appreciate your time in laying all that out - I need to re-read and digest everything but there are definitely aspects of this that I have not thought about previously.

Part of the issue is that Jenny's problems stem from both deep-rooted emotional problems (okay, yeah, they're real) and serious, long-term, enabled-by-my-parents drug use (which I hold her accountable for, frankly - "I love heroin" is not a disability in my book). She is fully capable of holding down a (PT anyway) job and has done so many times in the past (actually has done it WHILE receiving SSDI...). These issues have played out since childhood and frankly I can't think of a single family member who isn't frightened of/disgusted by her and her actions at this point. Maybe I should add that she is a convicted felon.
Case in point: You know how, at Christmas or a family bbq, all the ladies will generally find a corner to stash their purses etc in? In our family those purses are often kept right on the shoulder through the whole plarty - b/c Jenny will rifle through purses and break into cars to steal money for drugs. She has exhibited violent behavior toward my parents (along with many threats) whenever she doesn't get her way. I locked my bedroom door at night, during HS, in order to feel safe enough to fall asleep. Nobody's going to volunteer for this, and my parents are completely aware that I am not taking over her care. However, I think they are just sticking their heads in the sand on this (ie, THEY won't be around to deal with it, so it's not their problem?)

They (parents + Jenny) currently live in a 55+ community. Don't know what happens when parents die/move to nursing home (gah another situation I can barely stand to contemplate).

Re: PP suggestion for therapy - yeah, I need it badly. DH has requested it but I just have a hard time initiating it (lots of bad memories surrounding "family counseling sessions" ergh).

I hear ya. Just go for yourself, OP. You don't have to share it with anyone else. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Hi there, 23:57 again here...hope you are up for another long one! : )

OP, I totally get how you want to stay as far from this as possible. Believe me, I do too with my brother's situation, as I just got a phone call from my parents saying that he is getting psychotic again...and talking about how God wants to cut off his balls...Oh joy.

However, what drives me to care for him is my love for and obligation to my parents. I love them, and so I am going to care for my brother, much as it pains me. He was severely physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up -- I was his punching bag on a daily basis. I didn't have a locked bedroom door growing up (though I desperately wanted one) because he had busted the lock so many times, and after a while my dad quit fixing it cause he would just break it again. So I resonate with what you said.

Let's say, hypothetically, that I was raped (I haven't been). In my mind, caring for him, to me, is somewhat akin to having to care for my hypothetical rapist. I know that probably sounds over-dramatic, but it's the best analogy I can come up with. For me, it's having to care for the one person who's been the most hurtful and abusive to me across my whole life (so far). Frankly, I hate that I feel I have to do this and I really struggle with it. But I also know that I couldn't live with myself long-term if I didn't honor my parents' wishes that he have a roof over his head, and the basics. And I couldn't live with myself, much as I hate so many things about him and what he's done, if he were suffering in a gutter somewhere. I still feel I have to honor the fact that he's a human being and that outweighs my own unwillingness to care for him, even though many would say he doesn't deserve it.

So I urge you to do some reflecting on your own, probably even better with a therapist to help you process it, and talk through: 1) If you want to have a role, or not at all; 2) If so, what can you handle and what are your non-negotiables? (Two NNs for me are I will never be alone with my brother and he will never know where I live).

You should probably also have some frank discussions with your parents -- what do they think is best? What do they want for Jenny? What kinds of scenarios are possible, whether or not you are involved? And at the very least, you need to push them to get their heads out of the sand! It won't do anyone any good if they don't prepare for after they are gone, and it almost certainly will cause a major crisis for Jenny if preparations are not made. And those preparations don't have to coddle her, they can involve giving her notice that once your parents die, here's what she can count on, and here's what she will have to figure out herself. If she can get drugs for herself on a regular basis, she is probably somewhat resourceful!

Please hear me -- I am not pushing you to get involved at all, or push yourself beyond what you are willing to do. What I am encouraging you to do is think this through.

I think you might later on realize that you may have a really hard time just completely walking away and having no guilt or grief about that decision. If Jenny ends up homeless, or prostituting herself, or dead in a gutter somewhere, are you going to be ok with that, in terms of your own peace of mind? Forget about her well being for a minute, what about you? Are you going to be wracked with guilt later on? Do you want to take that chance? There is nothing worse that looking back and feeling guilty that you didn't help. I just encourage you to think that through now so later on you can tell yourself, with a clear conscience, "I did my due diligence. I really weighed it out and came to a place where I knew that I could not have any involvement and I am ok with that. If things change, I will deal with it then." Right now, I don't hear that you have done that deep reflecting, so I just worry that if you don't, it will come back to bite you. And I also think you have to hold your decision about your level of involvement somewhat loosely, because your feelings may change later on. You may decide to walk away and be comfortable with that for years, but then later on feel compelled to help. So it's wise to emotionally prepare that that could occur.

Also, deep down, Jenny probably feels a lot of shame, embarrassment and frustration that she can't get clean and live a "normal" independent life on her own. As a child, no one says "I want to be a drug addict when I grow up." I am not saying she isn't responsible for her actions -- she is -- but I just hope you can recognize that her life probably is no picnic for herself, and she probably has many regrets. She probably hates herself when your relatives clutch their purses (though I don't judge them for doing so, not in the least). Unless she is a sociopath, she feels probably feels guilt for what she has done to all of you, and the mess she's made of her life, though it may be deeply buried and she may be in denial about it.

Even though I will care for my brother, I will only do so at a SIGNIFICANT distance, and I am so grateful that my parents get this and understand that I need that distance to keep my own sanity. Thankfully my parents have been blessed financially, so there will be money I can use to essentially "buy" distance by getting other caregivers involved if the county won't cover it. Our plans are still forming, but it looks like our family CPA will be the SNT trustee and I will have the ability to see financial reports and hire/fire the SNT trustee if necessary. I'd also like her to become Rep Payee at some point. I also envision a scenario where I have hired a care manager who will take his phone calls, give him allowance, check in on him, make sure he gets to the grocery and the doctor, and take care of whatever life needs he has, but with my behind the scenes input and approval. My hope is that I have to see him as infrequently as possible. Of course that is something I will have to try out, perhaps it's totally unrealistic, but that is my hope. I say all that to show you that I do think it's possible to play a more behind the scenes role.

Also, most 55+ communities won't let someone live there if they aren't 55+. So Jenny may not have a choice. Did your parents get some kind of exemption for her to live there with them? Or is she over 55?

Here are two books by Dr. Jeanne Safer that I think would help you start with your own reflecting should you choose to do that. Both were INVALUABLE to me:
I'd read this one first: The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling
And this one second: Cain's Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy, and Regret
http://www.amazon.com/Jeanne-Safer/e/B000APRXLO/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

I wish you the best.