Should I take a hint and stop inviting this kid over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Honestly, I am surprised at how much this is affecting me. I feel so sad for him I want to cry. How will I possibly survive the teen years when they are really MEAN to each other?

No snark intended, but why do you think this bothers you so much? Maybe the other kid is just busy? Or maybe he doen't like your son. Does your son want to play with every other boy and girl in his class?

It's a good lesson in friendship. Teach your kid how to let this roll of his back. It's not the end of the world and he's got other friends to play with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify- they are both in first grade. The is just older because he has a summer bday.

Honestly, I am surprised at how much this is affecting me. I feel so sad for him I want to cry. How will I possibly survive the teen years when they are really MEAN to each other? And I have a girl too!

I get like this sometimes when my DD gets picked on by others mainly because she's younger so doesn't always 'get' the game they are playing. It makes me think of times as a kid that I wasn't invited to a party or included in certain activities. I make an effort to make DD stand up for herself and not let her know it upsets me- she'll learn on her own that some kids are just mean.

I would also just encourage your son to invite the kids that do accept.

[Anonymous]

It could be the mom only does playdates with kids of moms she's friends with and it's not about your son at all. But I would stop inviting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think the other mom is going to say if put on the spot?

"Oh you know Jacob mentioned that your Johnny is a bit of a dork. Jacob doesn't hang out with dorks."

She isn't going to be honest. She is going to say that Jacob thinks Johnny is awesome and that they have been busy that's all.

I wouldn't. I would say, "Oh, thanks for asking. I think Steve is focused on other kids right now but I'll get back to you if that seems to change."

Why would it occur to you to mention *why* Steve isn't into the other kid?

Wow, that's really nasty. This is one of those occasions where it is ok to do the little white lie.

[Anonymous]

Just ask the mom "My kid wants to play with your kid after school. Are there any days that work for you?"

See what kind of reaction you get. Is a beat-around-the-bush reaction ("Well..."), a cop out ("let me check the calendar and get back to you"), or an enthusiastic reply ("Sure, yea, great idea, I know the last 3x we couldn't make it, how about Monday?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think the other mom is going to say if put on the spot?

"Oh you know Jacob mentioned that your Johnny is a bit of a dork. Jacob doesn't hang out with dorks."

She isn't going to be honest. She is going to say that Jacob thinks Johnny is awesome and that they have been busy that's all.

I wouldn't. I would say, "Oh, thanks for asking. I think Steve is focused on other kids right now but I'll get back to you if that seems to change."

Why would it occur to you to mention *why* Steve isn't into the other kid?

Wow, that's really nasty. This is one of those occasions where it is ok to do the little white lie.

Wait, which reaction is nasty? If the mother is flat out asking if she should stop inviting Steve she is asking you to skip the white lie.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice.
To answer a PP, I think the reason it bothers me so much is because my son is so sweet and earnest about wanting to develop this friendship. He tells me how they like the same books and same movies and reports to me what they did together during the day. The kid has three older siblings at the school and is the child of a faculty member -- so I think my son sees him as super cool for those reasons too -- he seems to know everyone and everything and my son (new to the school this year) seems to look up to him. And he IS a very sweet kid in all interactions I have had with him.

You are right, I just need to redirect him and forget about it. Perhaps the mom is just really busy with the three older siblings. (To answer another PP, she is very nice -- I don't think it's that she doesn't like us, but who knows.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice.
To answer a PP, I think the reason it bothers me so much is because my son is so sweet and earnest about wanting to develop this friendship. He tells me how they like the same books and same movies and reports to me what they did together during the day. The kid has three older siblings at the school and is the child of a faculty member -- so I think my son sees him as super cool for those reasons too -- he seems to know everyone and everything and my son (new to the school this year) seems to look up to him. And he IS a very sweet kid in all interactions I have had with him.

You are right, I just need to redirect him and forget about it. Perhaps the mom is just really busy with the three older siblings. (To answer another PP, she is very nice -- I don't think it's that she doesn't like us, but who knows.)

This might factor into the situation. The mom might be too busy shuttling older kids to activities or just figure he has enough kids to play with at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ask the mom "My kid wants to play with your kid after school. Are there any days that work for you?"

See what kind of reaction you get. Is a beat-around-the-bush reaction ("Well..."), a cop out ("let me check the calendar and get back to you"), or an enthusiastic reply ("Sure, yea, great idea, I know the last 3x we couldn't make it, how about Monday?).

Didn't your momma teach you to never run after a man?

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's most likely the fact that there are 3 older siblings!! I can barely manage playdates with having two kids. I would give up if I had 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice.
To answer a PP, I think the reason it bothers me so much is because my son is so sweet and earnest about wanting to develop this friendship. He tells me how they like the same books and same movies and reports to me what they did together during the day. The kid has three older siblings at the school and is the child of a faculty member -- so I think my son sees him as super cool for those reasons too -- he seems to know everyone and everything and my son (new to the school this year) seems to look up to him. And he IS a very sweet kid in all interactions I have had with him.

You are right, I just need to redirect him and forget about it. Perhaps the mom is just really busy with the three older siblings. (To answer another PP, she is very nice -- I don't think it's that she doesn't like us, but who knows.)

I'm the PP who asked why this bothered you and I can totally relate! I feel the same way sometimes, but I think kids are a bit more resilient than we give them credit for! Don't bad mouth the kid or his mom. Don't make your DD feel victimized. (not that you would, just saying.....) Let him move on. He'll be fine!

[Anonymous]

Is it the mom who is making excuses or the kid?

I have a different type of issue. There are 2 kids we casually met where the kids hit it off but the moms and I do not click. The kids always want to play but the mom always makes excuses. I can take a hint but my son doesn't understand why when the other kid is begging his mom to come over but the mom says he cannot for XYZ reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice.
To answer a PP, I think the reason it bothers me so much is because my son is so sweet and earnest about wanting to develop this friendship. He tells me how they like the same books and same movies and reports to me what they did together during the day. The kid has three older siblings at the school and is the child of a faculty member -- so I think my son sees him as super cool for those reasons too -- he seems to know everyone and everything and my son (new to the school this year) seems to look up to him. And he IS a very sweet kid in all interactions I have had with him.

You are right, I just need to redirect him and forget about it. Perhaps the mom is just really busy with the three older siblings. (To answer another PP, she is very nice -- I don't think it's that she doesn't like us, but who knows.)

Yes, I would stop inviting this kid over, and explain to your DS that for whatever reason Johnny hasn't been able to accept previous invitations, so he'll need to just play with Johnny at school, and that's ok, let's focus on other friends for after school playdates. If you act like it's not a big deal hopefully he will pick up on that and feel the same way. Regardless, it's a good lesson to learn early on that we don't focus our energies on people who can't or don't want to spend time with us.