confrontational spouse

[Anonymous]

I am 16:09. OP, what you write sounds so familiar in terms of family structure. I would really talk to him about it. PEP offers babysitting, so depending on the time offered, you can make it more "fun" -- take the kids out to eat or do something before after and then go to PEP class.

The ADD could really be driving this, not just behaviorally, but also in terms of meds. Have you encouraged him to talk to the doctor again and discuss the anxiety and irritability? It could be that if he is still experiencing these to a significant degree that he needs a different ADD med (a non-stimulant? or one that is more of an anti-depressant? you should also be aware that in some ADD can be misdiagnosed and a better fit would be bipolar depression II with hypomania instead of mania and/or with dysphoria instead of euphoria. In those who are really BP and not ADD, the ADD meds can increase irritability/rage.) You can even ask to go along to the appointment to briefly speak about what you are seeing.

One thing that's really important for ADD (and all of us) is developing routines or habits. If you always do the same thing the same way, you develop a sort of "muscle memory" that helps when your "real" memory is failing. With kids it can be hard to stick to routines, but I've found it very helpful/calming in our family to do so. I also use checklists for DH to help him remember to do kid stuff. (It can come off as bossy, so I don't present it as a tool for me to use and just model using it and DH picks up on it.)

A good ADD coach should be willing to come to the house, so that shouldn't add to the feeling of being overwhelmed too much.

[Anonymous]

I think the only thing my husband knows is to go on the attack. The last 15 years he wont agree to anything any one wants from him. And when a life event like what happened to him in 2009 when he lost the feeling in his legs due to MRSA in his spine and coming back from the Navy in 1985/ He just wont allow a period of time for everyone to process the changes. The Mrsa I asked for a reset to the wait from 1985 to do it right this time and integrate him into family and social life over a couple of years drew a torrent of hate and a big fat no he was taking every right out of our hands into his own. And the confrontations have been violent just trying to get him to back off what he was insisting he was taking like holidays and vacations which I admit we badly failed in 1985 on. And I wish he wont judge the present on the past.